Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend with benefits

177 replies

Heriam · 30/10/2025 13:26

I am divorced. After a traumatic end to my relationship (ex was physically abusive) I stayed celibate for a long time.

2 years ago, I met a man. I am extremely sexually attracted to him and we get along very well. Thankfully, I have no emotional attachment to him so he seemed like the perfect person to rediscover my sexuality with.

We have had sex three times now (condoms and STI check ups included). He cums fast which isn’t so much the issue. The problem is that he doesn’t acknowledge that on each occasion, he has ejaculated before I’ve reached climax. He lasts less than one minute (last time two so we’re making progress) but there’s absolutely no acknowledgment of me in all of this.

I honestly don’t judge him for prematurely ejaculating but am I unreasonable in hoping that he would atleast say something to let me know that he does care about my pleasure too and that we can work on it?

Is he selfish, embarrassed or both?

OP posts:
TheBlueHotel · 30/10/2025 13:27

Why are you having FWB sex with someone who's rubbish at sex?? What's the point?!

JudgeBread · 30/10/2025 13:27

Selfish lovers and one pump chumps make for bad FWB. What's the point in having a sex buddy who is bad at sex?

DoYouReally · 30/10/2025 13:29

Where do you benefit here?

something2say · 30/10/2025 13:29

I think you probably did have an emotional attachment to him, in denial, because you are seeing him again when he is crap in bed.....clarify what you want.

shhblackbag · 30/10/2025 13:30

TheBlueHotel · 30/10/2025 13:27

Why are you having FWB sex with someone who's rubbish at sex?? What's the point?!

Honestly, this. There doesn't seem to be any benefit to you here.

Catonacoldfridgefreezer · 30/10/2025 13:33

You obviously are more emotionally attached that you’ll admit - why else would you put up with this? A fwb should be about amazing sex, sex that lasts and is mutually enjoyable.

Original poster
Heriam · 30/10/2025 13:38

I have anxiety around sex because of issues with my ex. It makes sense to me to sleep with someone I trust to some extent as I don’t think I’d get aroused if I barely knew the person. He is very sensual so I know he has the potential for great sex. He just doesn’t seem particularly committed to my pleasure which is a shame.

OP posts:
Original poster
Heriam · 30/10/2025 13:45

Does anyone else find sex extremely stressful? I can’t stop wondering whether I’m good enough. I come away feeling terribly insecure and it’s only been made much worse by long persons of celibacy.

OP posts:
shhblackbag · 30/10/2025 13:45

He just doesn’t seem particularly committed to my pleasure which is a shame.

Shouldn't you try to find someone who is? Doesn't matter how sensual or whatever he is if he's shit in bed. And he is shit in bed if he doesn't care about your satisfaction and pleasure.

ForTipsyFinch · 30/10/2025 13:48

Why would that possibly be unreasonable?

Wtf is the point in a fwb whose shit in bed 🤣 these men should stick to their hands.

ForTipsyFinch · 30/10/2025 13:49

Heriam · 30/10/2025 13:45

Does anyone else find sex extremely stressful? I can’t stop wondering whether I’m good enough. I come away feeling terribly insecure and it’s only been made much worse by long persons of celibacy.

Why are you worried about that when he doesn’t even care if you enjoy it?

Arlanymor · 30/10/2025 13:50

I think he's a friend withOUT benefits really if he's just using you for his pleasure. You either mention it to him or you move on I think.

Jellybunny56 · 30/10/2025 13:51

You’re never going to be able to “rediscover your sexuality” when you’re shagging someone who doesn’t give a fuck about your pleasure.

You are irrelevant to him, he could just as well be rutting into a wet sock.

Good sex requires two people who actually do want to have sex, and both care about the enjoyment of the other- you’re not getting that, you’re just saving his hand a job.

Mullaghanish · 30/10/2025 13:53

Bring your vibrator to the sexy time.. make him wait till you come with that.. before he comes with you..

Rainbows41 · 30/10/2025 13:57

JudgeBread · 30/10/2025 13:27

Selfish lovers and one pump chumps make for bad FWB. What's the point in having a sex buddy who is bad at sex?

One pump chump 👏🏼🤣

Lifealwaysgetsbetter · 30/10/2025 13:58

Heriam · 30/10/2025 13:26

I am divorced. After a traumatic end to my relationship (ex was physically abusive) I stayed celibate for a long time.

2 years ago, I met a man. I am extremely sexually attracted to him and we get along very well. Thankfully, I have no emotional attachment to him so he seemed like the perfect person to rediscover my sexuality with.

We have had sex three times now (condoms and STI check ups included). He cums fast which isn’t so much the issue. The problem is that he doesn’t acknowledge that on each occasion, he has ejaculated before I’ve reached climax. He lasts less than one minute (last time two so we’re making progress) but there’s absolutely no acknowledgment of me in all of this.

I honestly don’t judge him for prematurely ejaculating but am I unreasonable in hoping that he would atleast say something to let me know that he does care about my pleasure too and that we can work on it?

Is he selfish, embarrassed or both?

He’s getting what he needs. I had a friend who had a Fwb who couldn’t ejeculste and whilst she was turned on, she never came either. Seemed the most bizarre situation and neither got any outcome! Same with you. Get a Fwb who gives you some of the benefits too!

Lifealwaysgetsbetter · 30/10/2025 14:02

Heriam · 30/10/2025 13:45

Does anyone else find sex extremely stressful? I can’t stop wondering whether I’m good enough. I come away feeling terribly insecure and it’s only been made much worse by long persons of celibacy.

You’re worried you’re not good enough because you’re with someone who isn’t interested in you sexually beyond his own satisfaction nor does he want a relationship. Tbh I’d get some counselling to help you heal and then look for a partner who wants sex and a relationship. I think you’re accepting scraps as you think that’s all your worth. It is possible to heal as I was in a similar Fwb after my marriage broke down and it ruined my confidence. He still tries to connect every few months but I tell him where to go. I deserve better than him and his bad sex..

Original poster
Heriam · 30/10/2025 14:02

I am so petrified of developing feelings because of how it ended last time. At the same time, I don’t think I can truly separate sex from emotion so I worry I’ll end up attracted. I was celibate for far too long because of this. Life without sex is not for me. Life being attached to a pr**k is also not for me. I feel stuck!

OP posts:
Original poster
Heriam · 30/10/2025 14:04

Lifealwaysgetsbetter · 30/10/2025 14:02

You’re worried you’re not good enough because you’re with someone who isn’t interested in you sexually beyond his own satisfaction nor does he want a relationship. Tbh I’d get some counselling to help you heal and then look for a partner who wants sex and a relationship. I think you’re accepting scraps as you think that’s all your worth. It is possible to heal as I was in a similar Fwb after my marriage broke down and it ruined my confidence. He still tries to connect every few months but I tell him where to go. I deserve better than him and his bad sex..

Show quote history

A FWB relationship ruined your confidence? Is there any particular reason for this?

OP posts:
outerspacepotato · 30/10/2025 14:22

There's no benefits if he doesn't make sure sex is pleasureable for you too. He sounds selfish and is shit at sex.

You've known him 2 years and had bad sex 3 times. He's not interested in you. Move on.

Pumpkinsonastring · 30/10/2025 14:32

I wouldn't mention it to him. It's like having to ask your boyfriend to bring you flowers on your birthday. It doesn't mean anything, doesn't count, if you had to ask! I have no idea how you're going to get turned on enough to orgasm if you know he's only trying to do it out of duty because you've asked him to 😵‍💫 . He's selfish, just bin him off. Bad sex with someone who proves time and again he doesn't care about you is never going to boost your confidence.

U53rName · 30/10/2025 14:32

If I were in a FWB relationship, it certainly wouldn’t be with someone who lasts 1-2 minutes and doesn’t care whether I have an orgasm.

Sohelpmegod25 · 30/10/2025 14:34

Heriam · 30/10/2025 13:38

I have anxiety around sex because of issues with my ex. It makes sense to me to sleep with someone I trust to some extent as I don’t think I’d get aroused if I barely knew the person. He is very sensual so I know he has the potential for great sex. He just doesn’t seem particularly committed to my pleasure which is a shame.

This all sounds pointless to me
a friend with benefits who you benefit
him and not the other way round….
why bother

winemonster · 30/10/2025 14:36

Bin. Why is your bar so low. You deserve equal pleasure and orgasms 🙄

Pollqueen · 30/10/2025 14:36

A FWB should be a good sexual connection and fun with none of the emotional angst. Your situation is not this, just crap sex with someone who has no interest in your pleasure. I'd bin and find a new one

Swipe left for the next trending thread