Friend with benefits

[Heriam]

I am divorced. After a traumatic end to my relationship (ex was physically abusive) I stayed celibate for a long time.

2 years ago, I met a man. I am extremely sexually attracted to him and we get along very well. Thankfully, I have no emotional attachment to him so he seemed like the perfect person to rediscover my sexuality with.

We have had sex three times now (condoms and STI check ups included). He cums fast which isn’t so much the issue. The problem is that he doesn’t acknowledge that on each occasion, he has ejaculated before I’ve reached climax. He lasts less than one minute (last time two so we’re making progress) but there’s absolutely no acknowledgment of me in all of this.

I honestly don’t judge him for prematurely ejaculating but am I unreasonable in hoping that he would atleast say something to let me know that he does care about my pleasure too and that we can work on it?

Is he selfish, embarrassed or both?

But how does this not lead to love!!!???

Lots of people have given you good advice about the emotional connection etc.
On a purely practical level, sex is always better for me if I start from a premise of ladies first. Basically, no penetration/oral to orgasm etc for him until you’ve had one…..

It’s wild that your takeaway from his crap sex is that you’re no good. However much therapy you’ve had, you need more because you’re really not in the right place for a relationship yet, especially not with a man who has no time for you or your feelings, which you very much have however much you try to push them down - which is only making them more in turmoil. That doesn’t mean you’re destined for a life alone, that kind of hyperbole is unhelpful. You’re not so long out of an abusive relationship and clearly not ready to manage the emotional pitfalls of a fwb that as many have said does not have the benefits but brings a whole lot of insecurity and angst. If you can keep working on yourself with the right support (maybe a good sex therapist even?) it feels like you may find what you need is the exact opposite of this guy - someone who does care about you and your pleasure and has the time and presence of mind to put you first. Find someone kind and build from there, not someone who you’re very sexually attracted to then it’s all depressingly downhill.

Everyone is different.

The situation described by the poster you were replying to wouldn’t cause me to get feelings, because my emotional needs also need to met consistently for that to happen. Sex and spending time with someone isn’t enough.

If you’re a person who gets attached after sex, any kind of casual set up isn’t likely to work out if the other person doesn’t.

If you don’t want to break up from this arrangement - why not stop worrying about his schedule and work commitments and let him focus on you? I don’t get how you can knock him for not acknowledging that he’s finishing first (and fast) when you are saying no to anything else. Otherwise - you are getting what you are asking for, quick and no foreplay. Stop saying no to foreplay, stop getting yourself ready before he arrives. This really doesn’t sound very fun for him either. Unsatisfying all round.

If you want something different you need to be open to something different (foreplay) and you need to be able to talk about it. Ask him what he wants, tell him what you want. You don’t have to do everything he says he wants (nor does he have to say yes to everything you want) but you need to be able to talk about it.

From your posts I don’t think you are suited to a FWB arrangements. And your trust issues make one night stands and random hookups probably not the best thing to target. Maybe you do just have to accept that for you - if you want more sex - maybe you need to date? Dating means feelings, and feelings leave you exposed. But feelings doesn’t mean you have to accept abuse.

And in the mean time get yourself some good toys.

Thank you sooo much for the advice. I have realised that I am far more attached to him than I was willing to accept. We’ve not spoken today and I can’t stop thinking about him. This is despite being so busy.

I feel really suffocated by my feelings for him. It’s getting me down.

I'm so sorry you are struggling today still.

Do you have plans for the weekend?

Thank you for your response. Yes I’ve been extremely busy but I’m still finding myself thinking about him constantly. It’s horrible

Because I'm in touch with my own boundaries. I do not seek, nor want a "partner". So I don't enter into relationships where the lines blur. I do actively have some relationships obviously, and those have been very fulfilling regarding what I'm specifically seeking.

I very much enjoy "dating" in some aspects, which is for me where the "friends" in a FWB situation occurs. However, I've neither need, want, nor inclination to be in a fully invested relationship with someone. I'm absolutely clear upfront about this, and my expectations that I'll not be seeking a full relationship, living with anyone, nor changing any factor in my life towards facilitating their needs beyond friendship/mutual appreciation.

Why on earth would I engineer my life around a man who isn't my significant other? If they and I do match in times/dates/life admin to spend time together that's enhancing us both? Then that's great... If it's not? Then I'm not prepared to waste my energy or theirs.

The major shift in my "dating/sexual/friendship" mindset was - if it's not easy. Then it's too much like hard work to invest in.

Obviously I'm not talking about anyone sustaining an actual relationship or marriage. In which case it's very different.

Hey OP ..
You have to have a certain personality for FWB..
One which you don’t get attached..
I entered into a fwb relationship before & it ended in tears , my tears..
I got attached, he didn’t 🤷🏻‍♀️ , & it feels like shit ..
So I learnt the hard way ..
It’s clear you’re attached so you have to stop seeing him , you just have to unless you want to be going around tormented & miserable ..
From what you say you’re not emotionally ready for a relationship right now , & if you decide to keep dating you will choose all the wrong men ..
Take a break out , that’s what I did that time & work on yourself ..
You’ll be all the better for it & end up much happier X

Classic MN first post nails it. 👏

This is my dream. Sounds like you’ve got a good thing going. Having your needs met whilst at the same time maintaining emotional distance!

I’m so sorry to hear that 😭😭. Do you still speak? How do you know the feeling wasn’t mutual?

I’ve told him I’d like to take a step back and move on now so we’re not speaking anymore. It’s so tough when you are attached to them.

I’ve been single years because I wasn’t ready to date. I’ve had therapy in various forms. Nothing has helped and I feel that I’m destined to be single forever! I have ADHD so I’m worried that my attachment style is here to stay ☹️

Don’t be sorry to hear that 😂 😂..
He was an asshole , not cause he didn’t get attached, cause he was a selfish prick , he knew I was getting attached, he still would have continued to see me , putting himself first because he was getting sex , it was me who walked away.. I knew then fwb would never be for me going forward ..

You won’t be on your own forever ..
You just have to meet the right person & you will eventually, it’s just best wait until you feel ready ..

Do you acknowledge that he has ejaculated before you’ve reached climax?

Do you tell him what you like and ask for what you want?

He knows. I’ve never claimed to have orgasmed, in terms of what I want, I’ve told him via some sexy text exchanges but as I said, he never comes and just relaxes for a bit. It’s all such a rush.

He even often makes excuses about why he can’t kiss me. I floss, have white, clean, brushed teeth, chew mints regularly, and I have been told I have nice juicy lips. It all just seems like he only cares about himself.

He sounds awful !!!!
Please stay away from this Prick. !
Makes excuses why he doesn’t want to kiss ..
How could you possibly ever look forward to seeing him …

Just ask him! Probably ignorance?

this

Have you ever met a man before?

"He knows x because I have never told him y" is not how men work.

You need to tell him explicitly and directly and tell him it is an issue and that you need to work together to solve the issue.

Telling a man he cums too quickly and you never orgasm. That’ll go down great. I’m really working to go no contact anyway.

if I’m this attached already I’ll be doomed if the sex becomes amazing too.

you say life without sex is not for you.

Why does sex not need to include your own orgasm? Really, why is that ok for you?

maybe some therapy to get to the bottom of that disconnect might be useful to your future satisfaction and happiness

Ah jeez OP. You warm yourself up, he comes in and penetrates you for a minute, won’t kiss you, then leaves because he is so busy and important?

And you love this man?

Back to therapy I’m afraid.