Friend with benefits

[Heriam]

I am divorced. After a traumatic end to my relationship (ex was physically abusive) I stayed celibate for a long time.

2 years ago, I met a man. I am extremely sexually attracted to him and we get along very well. Thankfully, I have no emotional attachment to him so he seemed like the perfect person to rediscover my sexuality with.

We have had sex three times now (condoms and STI check ups included). He cums fast which isn’t so much the issue. The problem is that he doesn’t acknowledge that on each occasion, he has ejaculated before I’ve reached climax. He lasts less than one minute (last time two so we’re making progress) but there’s absolutely no acknowledgment of me in all of this.

I honestly don’t judge him for prematurely ejaculating but am I unreasonable in hoping that he would atleast say something to let me know that he does care about my pleasure too and that we can work on it?

Is he selfish, embarrassed or both?

A lot of women don't orgasm from sex. Delay the actual sex and have him make you orgasm before it.

This isn’t a friend with benefits. This is just casual sex, and not good sex at that.

It's not one thing or the other!

There's the middle ground of starting a relationship and if it isn't working dumping them and moving on to look for someone else.

Accept that nothing worth having comes easy. You have to tolerate the negative emotional side of things when you end a relationship because of course it's going to make you feel sad, that's life, but it's only temporary. You can't avoid the sadness of breaking up by staying in a relationship that's... making you feel sad!

Look at relationships objectively. Understand how hormones work and that if you're sleeping with someone oxytocin is going to make you feel an emotional connection with them. Then ignore all that side of it and make an objective decision about whether the relationship is good for you or not, instead of being ruled by your emotions. If it's not good for you then split up and take the sadness, you'll get over it, people always do.

You're never going to find a good relationship whilst you're in a bad one.

This! What does it matter what the reason is?! He's a crap shag! A crap shag is not suitable for a casual sex arrangement.

What are you thinking OP?! You says its just FWB but you are pondering on his motivations as if you were in a relationship.

I don't think you are in the right headspace at all to have a FWB.

And even if you were, Mr Crap, selfish shag would not be the right guy.

The majority of men that i have been with didnt think about my orgasm. So he is not unusual

I actually enjoy sex without needing to orgasm. So now I don't care if they try or not

Setting aside the fact that he doesn't last for very long, loads of women don't come at all from penetrative sex alone, and others might take longer to get there through penetrative sex than a man is likely to be able to last even if he's not, er, quick off the mark. So are you saying that you don't do anything other than penetrative sex? Isn't he touching you / going down on you / using a toy on you or anything to make you come before he gets inside you? If not, why haven't you asked him to? If you don't feel able to tell him what you want, this isn't a very healthy sexual relationship for you at all.

To be honest, it's not worth having a 'friend with benefits' if the benefits aren't actually very good. I also think, from what you've said, that you aren't in the right place mentally/emotionally for any of this.

He has asked for foreplay several times but he’s always in a rush to get out the door so I don’t feel comfortable letting him explore my body when I know he’s thinking about where he needs to be. He’s a business owner.

I tend to turn myself on before he arrives so that I’m ready for sex but then the sex always feels rushed on his part.

So many women are in shitty relationships or have experienced heartbreak. How do we choose between being a hook up and being in a relationship that is likely to end in tears? The odds are stacked against the happy relationship dream.

I’m TIRED of celibacy but I’m also TIRED of being fucked around by men.

He’s being really off today. I called and he didn’t answer so I text asking if he’s ignoring me because of our sex and his response was:

‘Noo that’s not what I was thinking. I’ve just had a very slow start to my day today.

He hasn’t returned my call.

Sounds like they were FWF - Friends with Frustration!

Your anxiety isn't going to be helped by someone who has no interest in your pleasure. Find a FWB who is interested in the B. This man isn't going to help your confidence, he's just using you.

So he wants foreplay, he wants to explore your body yet you are choosing a quick shag and then complaining he doesn't satisfy you.

Decide what you want and stop sending mixed messages. You can have great sex without falling for someone and becoming emotionally involved.

No I said he’s always in a rush so what’s the point? Foreplay takes time

The point of foreplay? Really?

This is why you are having shit sex. It doesn't need to be hours make him work for it or find someone else

If you trust him but are confident of not wanting more than sex, then tell him (not while youre in bed together) what you would like to be different.
His response will tell you all you need to know.

Sounds like a friend without any benefits.

Friend with negatives.

One pump chump 🤣🤣🤣.

@Heriam , this man is not FWB material, so throw him back.

Well you openly admit that you have no emotional connection to him. Why do you expect him to have emotional connection to you and care about whether you come or not?
I mean, FWB is such a cheap thing to do, and this is largely why. If you don't like the sex, what's the point in doing it?

So you want good sex, but...

You won't allow Mr 1 min to explore your body... If he says he wants to, allow him. If he fails, then get rid.

You think foreplay takes too much time...

You're being a tad passive aggressive/needy with those texts - turn off.

Why is he popping over in between work all the time? 🚩?

If you want to try again, only allow him over after work, when he should have nowhere he needs to be. And let him explore. See what he does with that.

I'd find a new FWB. Ultimately he's benefiting, you aren't and he's unlikely to care about your pleasure if you are just a shag. Find one who gets their kicks off by giving pleasure instead of just taking it.

I mean, this seems like a very limited benefit for you? If you want no strings sex, the sex bit is usually quite steamy, I’d knock it on the head. No pun intended.

FucK him off. A FWB with little of the friendship and unsatisfactory benefits has left you feeling like shit. He’s not worthy of you. Dump

Oh come on op.

No you don’t want that, these kinds of set up’s/situations can be tricky.
Because if it’s a FWB you wouldn’t expect to necessarily spend much time with the person, but then to me that’s like a one nighter only that you see them more often.

It can end up falling between the two, as in not a full on relationship, and not much else but sex. But feelings will get attached it’s natural for that to happen.

I had a situation can’t think what else to call it lol.
But we was in contact every day, and most of the time the opportunity was there to meet most weekends, and stay over etc, which is where it gets complicated.
But the best thing and most importantly in that kind of situation, was that the sex was great, that’s what made it harder to stop it. Plus that I got attached and comfortable with him etc.
But things were up and down and a few times I got upset about things, so probably childishly kept deleting him/turning off last seen on WhatsApp etc.

He wanted to continue on the basis we meet when we both have time, and I was over the moon about that, but then thought, well what had we been doing anyway?! 🤷🏻‍♀️

Anyway I think with these kinds of situations it either works for you or it doesn’t, i don’t think it’s something you can sit discussing.
I know it is hard to then find someone the same.
With my couple of situations it just happened.

Sorry not sure if you said how you met him, but you will just have to keep looking.

He finishes work at 2am sometimes. He works alongside owning his business which runs through the night. There is literally no time that he can come after work as he works 7 days into the night. He’s also at university now. I know this is genuinely the case because I’ve known him two years and longggg before we started sleeping together we spoke regularly. I always told him he needed to calm down he works too damn much.

Asides from that, is it even possible to remain no strings attached? Why do we have to choose between heartbreak and sex 😭😭😭😭