Friend with benefits

[Heriam]

I am divorced. After a traumatic end to my relationship (ex was physically abusive) I stayed celibate for a long time.

2 years ago, I met a man. I am extremely sexually attracted to him and we get along very well. Thankfully, I have no emotional attachment to him so he seemed like the perfect person to rediscover my sexuality with.

We have had sex three times now (condoms and STI check ups included). He cums fast which isn’t so much the issue. The problem is that he doesn’t acknowledge that on each occasion, he has ejaculated before I’ve reached climax. He lasts less than one minute (last time two so we’re making progress) but there’s absolutely no acknowledgment of me in all of this.

I honestly don’t judge him for prematurely ejaculating but am I unreasonable in hoping that he would atleast say something to let me know that he does care about my pleasure too and that we can work on it?

Is he selfish, embarrassed or both?

He’s not a good person. You’re feeling bad again. Getting repeatedly involved with him is like some sort of self harm. As others have said you really need good therapy.

Your ex has set the bar way too low. 'Never actively mean' is not enough, and not even true - he's been shit to you in several ways documented on this thread. Your attraction to him is coming from a place that thinks you don't deserve better. Polite and hardworking is not enough, esp when coupled with selfish cheating asshole.

I need help, clearly. He asked me out on a date but I said no. I’m convinced he can do infinitely better than me which is why I don’t waste my time entertaining anything other than casual sex.

My ex husband left me with really deep wounds. He was an incel. Completely red pill obsessed.

What doesn’t help us that this guy who seems nice has followed on from someone who was so vile. I’ve lost my sense of what I deserve and what is ‘normal.’

It's you who can do infinitely better than him.

We humans have a bug in our software: we start to believe what is repeated often enough. Research has shown that even if we know on a conscious level there's no reason to believe it, we will come to accept it on a subconscious level anyway. Your incel ex has programmed you to undervalue yourself.

You clearly know all this at a conscious level, but it hasn't filtered through yet.

I'm still a little confused by some aspects of your interactions with your FWB. He wants foreplay, but you've decided he doesn't have time for it. He wants to go on a date, but makes excuses not to kiss you. Can you elaborate on these?

He just doesn’t seem particularly committed to my pleasure

Because he is not committed to you in any way shape or form, period.

He has no emotional feelings towards you, which causes him to not care about pleasuring you.

He doesn’t acknowledge that he came before you because it would not even occur to him as he does not like you.

You have nothing to offer him other than your body. No safe space for emotional intimacy, no possibility of future prospects. Why would he bother to put the work and effort in to suppress his own pleasure?
The investment is not worth the return.

The fact that you’ve allowed this man who you have no feelings for, cum in you 3 times now after less than a minute of penetration, you are allowing this man to use your body as a pleasure hole. Please have some self respect.

You’re convinced that someone who uses you for sex and cheats on women is better than you. You’re trolling now surely.

He wanted foreplay but was always coming over in between jobs so he’s always rushing. I feel like foreplay is more sensual and intimate than penetration. Although a lack of foreplay made the sex painful as I was never quite ready despite my efforts.

He asked me out on a date because he told me that he had rekindled things with his on off ex or 6 years. I feel like he did it to butter me up and didn’t really want to actually date. He’s always complaining about how expensive his outgoings are as a business owner and his building is being shut down soon. He’s trying to find the money for a new place. A date with his FWB is the least of his priorities. Trust me.

I know I’m going to get flameddddd for this. But, isn’t male cheating extremely common anyway. It’s a depressing thought but that doesn’t stop it being true.

But this is the issue. I spoke to him today about feeling upset by the situation. He asked me what he could do to make it better for me? He asked if I would like him to spend more time with me or call me more often. He said he’s happy to do so as he enjoys spending time with me. I was really really upset and he asked if there is anything else going on that I need support. NEVER has a man offered me support in my life. I’ve never met a man who can be so affectionate.

The problem is, that he is genuinely a good person in so many ways. He just isn’t MY person as we’re in a different phase of life. He’s a few years younger, never married, no kids. I’m a single parent to two children, divorced etc.

It’s fucking shit to think someone who is a good person is not YOUR person.

He has asked me soooo many times for more intimacy during sex via foreplay etc. I am the problem. I have too many hang ups about sex because of previous experiences.

I’ve been hit, raped, cussed and disrespected by men. I’ve had therapy, I’ve been single years, I’m extremely busy. But still, I approach men in such an unhealthy way.

So many typos!!! I wrote the above upset so please ignore these. I wrote in haste.

But this is the issue. I spoke to him today about feeling upset by the situation. He asked me what he could do to make it better for me? He asked if I would like him to spend more time with me or call me more often. He said he’s happy to do so as he enjoys spending time with me. I was really really upset and he asked if there is anything else going on that I need support. NEVER has a man offered me support in my life. I’ve never met a man who can be so affectionate.

I wouldn’t read too much into that. Men will say/do a lot of things if they feel the opportunity for casual sex is slipping through their fingers.

Unfortunately it appears you’re setting your terrible past experiences as a standard, and this younger man is winning by default. He’s offered to call you more often ? That’s nothing. Especially since he wouldn’t be doing it off his own back, you’d be asking for it. It takes away the sentiment.
All he’s given you so far is words. Words mean nothing.

I think you’d benefit more from therapy than a FWB. It doesn’t sound like you’re mentally stable enough for this right now.

You didn't elaborate on what excuses he gives for not kissing you. To me that's the biggest smoking gun. Everything else is based on vibes and we already know you have a very low opinion of yourself so you might be projecting that onto him.

I feel like you want to get flamed, the same way you get some kind of enjoyment from this toxic affair, so I’m not going to keep feeding it after this post, but cheating being common or not doesn’t excuse it or mean you have to settle for a cheat. Kind men who don’t cheat exist. This man is not one of them. You can keep on making excuses for the bad things he does and what you say you’re willing to put up with, but until you can believe yourself worthy of better, you’re going to keep getting shat on, I’m sorry.

Do they really? I mean, men with options. As a woman in my 20’s I was a magnet for married men who you would have said would ‘never cheat.’ Infidelity amongst men is insanely common and to some extent, it feels like we as a society expect men to be monogamous when clearly, they’re not.

Maybe it’s my ultra low standards. But I’m yet to meet a man who has never cheated. It’s depressing as fuck.

I appreciate you taking time to advise me. I really do. I also really agree that I need therapy and that this situation isn’t healthy for me. At all. Thank you

A lot of men do cheat yes, but that’s no good reason to be there waiting for them with open arms.

He doesn’t like his lips being covered in my lipstick. It’s matt, so greasy and difficult to get off. I refuse not to wear it though because I’m so insecure without it.

Writing this post has really made me realised how messed up I am. I didn’t realise how deeply I have been scared by previous experiences. It sucks.

Having been single for years out of choice, it feels as though women have to choose between being single and celibate or single and sexually exploited. Or, married and cheated on.

I’ve always worn sticky lipgloss and I’ve never had a man refuse to kiss me, during sex or not, he’s not attracted to you. Just because he fucks your doesn’t make you attractive to him. There are countless cases of 20 year old men from undeveloped countries that manage to get erections over their 60 year old overweight British wives who they marry for visas.

OP stop with the self pity on your posts now it’s tiring. At some point it’s time to take responsibility, people treat you how you allow you to.

You say it’s a case of being mistreated or being celibate, well be celibate! You’re not a farm animal on heat.

Why didn't you mention the greasy lipstick earlier:

He even often makes excuses about why he can’t kiss me. I floss, have white, clean, brushed teeth, chew mints regularly, and I have been told I have nice juicy lips. It all just seems like he only cares about himself.

From his point of view, you cover your lips with anti-vandal paint and want sex with no intimacy.

Wow, this is horrible!

He’s asked me to wear lipgloss instead. This is dark pink matt lipstick and he goes back to work after.

Men never refuse to kiss you, good for you. And thank you for comparing me to women who are being used for visas

Are women not allowed to have sexual urges? There’s nothing farm animal like about it

You’re missing my point entirely. When it’s a choice between being celibate and mistreated you choose the celibate route, because you’re not an animal and not suppose to act purely on impulse.

Or it you really do want to be mistreated, don’t shag a man with a partner and come crying on Mumsnet with the self pity like you’re the victim. You willingly walked into it.

jeez he sounds a catch. Rushes sex and doesn’t care that he’s hurting you, shagging you after telling you he’s also shagging someone else. Moaning about money.

A farm animal might back off when someone is hurting it