Friend with benefits

[Heriam]

I am divorced. After a traumatic end to my relationship (ex was physically abusive) I stayed celibate for a long time.

2 years ago, I met a man. I am extremely sexually attracted to him and we get along very well. Thankfully, I have no emotional attachment to him so he seemed like the perfect person to rediscover my sexuality with.

We have had sex three times now (condoms and STI check ups included). He cums fast which isn’t so much the issue. The problem is that he doesn’t acknowledge that on each occasion, he has ejaculated before I’ve reached climax. He lasts less than one minute (last time two so we’re making progress) but there’s absolutely no acknowledgment of me in all of this.

I honestly don’t judge him for prematurely ejaculating but am I unreasonable in hoping that he would atleast say something to let me know that he does care about my pleasure too and that we can work on it?

Is he selfish, embarrassed or both?

OMG, I sound seriously insecure seeing it like this. So true 😭😭😭😭😭

When did my standards become so low 😭😭😭😭

He sounds like the least sexualy attractive man alive

You’re at it again , putting yourself down & feeling bad about yourself ‘ saying when did my standards become so low ‘, you’re genuine & he’s not, because good people don’t treat people as he is treating you .. You didn’t treat him bad , so you’re the good guy here ..
He’s the Dick not you ..
No , there is nothing wrong with fwb for the people it suits , but like any kind of relationship In life there has to be respect..
He’s not respectful..
So stop please with the negative thoughts about yourself…
Please talk kindly to yourself..
You will be all the better for it ..

Thank you so much.

He genuinely isn’t a bad guy, we’re just not right for eachother. I have to accept that because it’s fine.

Oh god. I had a fwb for around 10 years and the reason it lasted so long is because he’s so good at what he does. It lasted a while and he always made sure I cum at least twice before he did. What’s in it for you I think you have to ask yourself if he cums so quickly. FWB needs to work both ways

Op he makes excuses as to why he doesn’t kiss you , only cums himself , doesn’t care about your pleasure , he’s an ASSHOLE. !
Makes no odds If you’re not suited , that’s not how good guys behave ..

Did you get attached? If the answer is no, this sounds like the dream. As long as he was single! How comes it ended?

I wouldn't call him a fwb.
You are a two minute booty call.
Back to therapy OP and keep him blocked.

He sounds absolutely awful.

I have a real tendency to make excuses for people. I think the bar was so low from my ex that anything is better.

As I said though, I don’t let him touch me foreplay wise he wise I’m so insecure and he’s always in a rush to get out the door again. I want to feel safe before I left someone touch my body in such an intimate way. I know penetration is intimate, but letting someone explore your body feels so vulnerable. Experiences with my ex always calling me derogatory names if I enjoyed sex have made me so anxious about it.

Ok saying this very kindly ..
FWB will never be for you EVER OP !
You have feelings of attachment for a guy who treats you like absolute garbage ..
That’s not your fault btw , that he’s an asshole , but it does show that you need to work on yourself , & stay away from all types of relationships for the time being x

@Heriamyes he was single as was I and we were really good friends as well as lovers. At the time it suited me as I wasn’t looking to get into a relationship as I had a new ish baby, and we carried on for 10 years in that way. But this year I’ve been actively seeking a relationship and am on dating sites etc. My FWB doesn’t want to be in a relationship so no choice other than me to end it. We haven’t lost the friendship part and still check in with each other from time to time.

Revisiting this thread because I need advice please.
The guy contacted me to rekindle. He told me that he is back with his ex girlfriend but still wants to continue seeing me as he ‘likes me.’

I feel terrible as we ended up having sex last night which was amazing this time. What a mess.

I now feel terrible again 😭 I feel bad for his gf and I feel crappy that I allowed myself to go there because of cravings.

Christ, could he be any more of a twat?? Please block him and get some help, talk to friends or a counsellor or someone who has your best interests at heart. This guy absolutely does not and he will mess you up even more if you let him. Don't let any 'rekindling' be an option. You have agency and you have value. As does his gf I'm sure. Men like that treat women like this because they get away with it. It's not about liking you, sorry but it's not. He only thinks about himself.

I’m confused how can the sex be amazing if it wasn’t before? But amazing sex doesn’t make you feel terrible… although perhaps it’s because you know you’ve been used by an arsehole prick…

Im not going to shame you but please seek professional help/therapy to help you work through your issues that think crap sex with a commitment phobe is worth going back to and even knowing he’s cheating on you. You must have extremely low self esteem to accept such shitty crumbs and I’m not sure anything anyone on here can type can help you. Unless you realise this is your rock bottom and you block & continue with therapy.

FWB are great if that's what you're after and the "benefits" benefit you. He doesn't sound like your guy and I'm sorry, but he is selfish and seems only to want to get his end away.
Move on and find someone decent.

He'll have lasted longer because he's having additional sex elsewhere.

As others have said, OP, you need to get back into therapy.

Actually he could have come straight round after being with his girlfriend 🤢🤮

So you’re sleeping with a man who you know has no intention of being with you, and who is an active cheat? Just why 🤷‍♀️

It all just seems like he only cares about himself

That I'm afraid is your answer.

You are hooked on being wanted / validated by this guy but it's the desire to feel wanted / the fear of being abandoned that is making you think you have 'feelings' for him, it's not because he's actually a great guy (he really isn't and now he's seeing you for sex behind his partners back, what a dick!)

It's easy to mistake the anxiety and adrenaline caused by feeling insecure for butterflies and love!

OMG, this hit hard 😭🤮

😭😭😭😭

Thank you soooo much. This is a really interesting take.

The thing is, he is hard working, easy to talk to me, polite and friendly. He is never actively mean to me (my ex was vile). I also find him extremelyyy attractive so there are things about him that I really like 😭😭

You seem like you’re determined to stick with him, even though it’s blindingly obvious what a terrible prospect he is and what a negative impact he’ll have - and is already having - on you. If you can’t see that and take steps to protect yourself, you really need that therapy. Honestly it’s starting to sound like you’re into being used by him. To knowingly be the other shag in this scenario and still crave his interest is pretty messed up.

He’s polite and friendly as he’s cheating on his girlfriend!? You need to focus on things like that…

Also he's back with an ex ( so he wants a conventional relationship ) and I get its a fwb , but why did he never see you as a potential gf ?
Do you spend any time together other than him knock on your door , go upstairs for sex , and he then leaves because he's really busy ?
Do you spend any time together chatting , having a drink , etc ?