Friend with benefits

[Heriam]

I am divorced. After a traumatic end to my relationship (ex was physically abusive) I stayed celibate for a long time.

2 years ago, I met a man. I am extremely sexually attracted to him and we get along very well. Thankfully, I have no emotional attachment to him so he seemed like the perfect person to rediscover my sexuality with.

We have had sex three times now (condoms and STI check ups included). He cums fast which isn’t so much the issue. The problem is that he doesn’t acknowledge that on each occasion, he has ejaculated before I’ve reached climax. He lasts less than one minute (last time two so we’re making progress) but there’s absolutely no acknowledgment of me in all of this.

I honestly don’t judge him for prematurely ejaculating but am I unreasonable in hoping that he would atleast say something to let me know that he does care about my pleasure too and that we can work on it?

Is he selfish, embarrassed or both?

Oh no. He requires too much effort for too little return. Let him go.

It's entirely possible, but not if you want emotional connection.

I am single and have regular sex, but I'm not looking for a relationship. For me I'm not choosing between heartbreak and sex. I'm choosing what works best for me, and for now, it's freedom and great sex.

If what you want is a relationship, a FWB situation will likely be detrimental for you. And no sex is better than bad sex.

How do you maintain emotional distance?

I'm quite confident in the fact that I wish to remain single (at least for now).

We agree that we're better as friends than foes, so need to remain focused.

We spend time apart, busying ourselves with the other aspects of our lives. I have work, a teenager, very present family and friends so lots of distractions.

Sex is generally confined to a few hours during day time when my daughter is out of the house, which limits the time for romantic stuff.

I don't have sex with anyone else, but I'm also open to a bit of flirting/lunch with other people.

And most importantly, I know that getting back into a relationship would spoil the good thing we have going, so nope nope nope.

He has asked for foreplay several times but he’s always in a rush to get out the door so I don’t feel comfortable letting him explore my body

I don't think you're in a good place when it comes to your own relationship with sex and your own sexual feelings, really.

He wants foreplay because he is aware that he won't satisfy you with a couple of minutes of penetration. You won't let him do anything except penetration because you're telling yourself he's not into it. There's nothing to suggest that he isn't into it.

You talk about finding sex 'stressful'. That's not healthy.

You also talk about not wanting to get emotionally attached but it sounds from your posts that you're in quite an agitated state about all of this, and I think you are, in fact, emotionally attached. If you weren't, you wouldn't be bothered about the FWB thing not working out for you and you wouldn't be worrying about him not texting you.

None of this is good for you and I think you sound really quite vulnerable and have some issues with sex and relationships that you need to work through.

He’s being really off today. I called and he didn’t answer so I text asking if he’s ignoring me

This is not the behaviour of someone who is not emotionally attached and just wants a FWB. It is the behaviour of someone anxious and needy who is very emotionally attached indeed.

You’re absolutely right 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 and I HATE IT.

I get so stressed because I feel like his lack of interest today is a result of me not being good enough. It could have been anyone but it speaks so loudly to my insecurities. I’m like, does he keep cuming quickly because he’s desperate to get out the door?

I am extremely vulnerable and insecure. When I was younger, sex was so much fun. My ex killed that for me.

Sex makes me feel soooooo needy hence my celibacy which was also EXTREMELY unfulfilling

It doesn't seem very beneficial to me.

I wouldn’t bother.

I know a vibrator is no comparison to good sex but if you are having bad sex, a vibrator might be a more rewarding option.

Get back to dating and sex when you aren't as vulnerable and when you've built your confidence back up.

Doesn't even sound like a friend to be fair. Crap friend, crap shag. What's the point?

It doesn't sound like you are suited to a FWB situation. It should be about decent sex, good company and lighthearted fun. No angst or second guessing. It sounds like you're looking for a relationship, but this guy is neither FWB or relationship material

Because he wasn’t interested in a proper relationship- we met online and we both said we were looking for a relationship. Turns out he had massive commitment issues and I wanted to be the one who could make him commit. So I accepted the crumbs. When I wanted something different. Then I started wondering what was wrong with me. The reality was not much apart from my willingness to eat crumbs. He was a nice man but we simply weren’t compatible

Please, please stop putting to yourself into this situation. It’s really bad for you. You’re just not in the right place emotionally for this and you deserve better. It isn’t making you happy.

Have you had therapy? Is that an option for you?

I’ve had so much therapy. I feel that this insecurity is here to stay. Which means I’m destined for a life of celibacy. How depressing!!!!!!

I’m sorry, that sounds rubbish

I'm sorry to say this but it doesn't sound like friends with benefits, it just sounds like straight up being used for a quickie. Friends with benefits would be actual friends, spending time together and sex happening. Not him coming round for just sex and rushing out of the door. You deserve so much better.

What are you getting from this? Does he know that you’re being left unsatisfied?

I’ve always found it completely overrated.

I'd bet my pay cheque he's married, or in a relationship with someone. Sounds like it's more a case of him needing to find 2 free minutes to pop round yours, than he's genuinely working 24/7.

I haven't wanted a full time relationship in years! But have entered into several FWB situations. The emphasis is generally on them being a mate. We chat, go for drinks sometimes, occasionally food. And also have good sex...

Why settle for less?

It's better if you have a lot more sex, often as you can, so he stops being a fast comma.
Afters he's finished does he just roll over 😭, or does he stay on duty (forgive the metaphor🙊), and get you over the line too, which he should.

He isnt your BF, so suspect hes in this FwB thing for his pleasure not yours.

If hes fast and then not finishing you off well... hes neither a friend nor a benefit...

Don’t feel sorry for me - it was a turning point of deciding I’d never do that again. Don’t feel sorry for yourself or try and predict the future (I’m doomed to celibacy etc) - just focus on yourself for a bit and then you’ll attract better things and people..

He's taking what he wants and getting out. Only options are to dump him or do the same. Whether that's brazenly sitting on his face or outright asking.

Your comment isn’t helpful with your “ why is your bar so low “ , that makes someone feel bad about themselves, you’re supposed to be kind & encouraging..
And what are you throwing your eyes up to heaven for !