Friend with benefits

[Heriam]

I am divorced. After a traumatic end to my relationship (ex was physically abusive) I stayed celibate for a long time.

2 years ago, I met a man. I am extremely sexually attracted to him and we get along very well. Thankfully, I have no emotional attachment to him so he seemed like the perfect person to rediscover my sexuality with.

We have had sex three times now (condoms and STI check ups included). He cums fast which isn’t so much the issue. The problem is that he doesn’t acknowledge that on each occasion, he has ejaculated before I’ve reached climax. He lasts less than one minute (last time two so we’re making progress) but there’s absolutely no acknowledgment of me in all of this.

I honestly don’t judge him for prematurely ejaculating but am I unreasonable in hoping that he would atleast say something to let me know that he does care about my pleasure too and that we can work on it?

Is he selfish, embarrassed or both?

You know he’s cheating and still don’t get turned off. Beyond help now. Honestly yes some men cheat but many don’t. And they cheat with women who usually don’t know. You do. Stop the self pity. You’ve been badly treated but now encourage it. You’re giving yourself and others a pass to be arseholes. You know he’s with someone else and so you’re part of the cheating. He’s worse yes but you’re not innocent

This.

OP you said my post was horrible but it’s what you need to hear. You sound like you need a good shaking.

I’ve met quite a few people in self-destruction mode in my life, and they all lack accountability and pity themselves. Which you appear to do a lot. Molly cuddling these people never helped.
You also speak very much like a teenage girl in some of your posts, but I know you’re not young as you’re divorced and refer to this man as a younger guy. Teenage girls also lack a lot of responsibility..

I don’t particularly care for the male population as a whole and have encountered some nasty characters, but that doesn’t mean I allow they actions to dictate how I treat myself going forward, most people just move on.

Wake up and seek help.

I don’t disagree to an extent- hence why I have been single for 7 years and not having sex for 3 years.

Entertaining the bottom of the barrel, and I say this with kindness will only harm you. These men care only about sex.

You're being used for a quick shag.

He's only offering to date you so you don't cut him off.

He's with someone else.

He's not a friend.

He's not kinda or nice to you.

Please value yourself more. Being on your own is better than taking sloppy seconds.

Life and relationships shouldn’t be this complicated. You’re tying yourself in knots over a FWB you’re not actually getting benefits from. Is he even really a friend? Just draw a line under this.

Do we actually know whether this "is back with his ex-girlfriend" is supposed to be on an exclusive basis?

I think PPs are discounting positive indications e.g. he wants more intimacy and it's OP who's denying him this.

Not saying he's a knight in shining armour but things like "he's only offering to date you so you don't cut him off" is pure supposition viewed through the rather self-loathing lens of the OP.

Thank you!!! He hasn’t actually done anything wrong to me. I’ve been abused, I’ve been mistreated, I’ve been used. He doesn’t display any of those signs. He runs errands for me, he allows me to use his business services free of charge, he rings me several times and a day and sees me every few days etc.

We had a mild disagreement a little while ago. I hung up, he rang me 10 times.

He is ridiculously handsome and I mean model like. He works with models on a daily basis as he’s in the music industry. He doesn’t need to fuck just anyone as he has options. LOTS of them. The guy is stunning.

I know women like to stand for eachother, but pretending a man is horrible when he isn’t just isn’t fair.

This is really about ME and my insecurities, my trauma, my irrationalities, my immaturity, my feelings of low self worth.

I am the one who needs help. This post has only confirmed that.

People can only go off what you tell them. A lot of what you've written in this latest post is completely new information that rather changes the overall picutre.

What would it take for you to let him act upon his clearly expressed desire to spend more time with you in a more intimate way?

The other day, he said he wanted to come by and spend a bit of time with me before his night shift started. He said he didn’t want sex, he just wanted us to talk. I wanted sex, we ended up sleeping together because I was craving it.

Really, he told me about a year ago that he struggles to let people go. I feel like he’s holding into me because of that. I don’t feel good enough for him.

So to answer your question, there is nothing he can do because I’m petrified that I’ll grow even more deeply attached to him. I’m petrified of being hurt again like I was by my ex.

I didn't ask what he could do. I asked what it would take.

It would take me being a whole different person. I’m punching, and I know it.

It’s actually extremely difficult moving on from someone who hasn’t done anything wrong. I feel so so down about the situation.

I almost WISH he would do something so that I can justify cutting him out of my life.

You sound as though you've decided you want this to be over and just need to find a way to do it. Is that correct?

You seem to treat each other as a mere convenience. Why would he be interested in your pleasure? Are you interested in his?

Yes!! That’s it’s

We are interested in each others. I perceiving his actions through a negative lense as a way of leaving. He is always asking me to allow him to explore my body more, oral sex, foreplay, everything. I say no.

Of course I care about his pleasure, I’m in love with him. I’m just intimidated by him as he can do better.

OP he's a loser!

How so?

If you're overthinking if you're good enough at sex with someone that lasts a minute you're not cut out for this shit. I quite literally regained confidence by being direct during sex and I quite literally mortified someone once by telling them just to go home so I can finish alone, he had three warnings that what he was doing wasn't good. It's meant to be scratching an itch not providing community service to the less fortunate lol

And I also "quite literally" need to proof read when multitasking it seems haha!

That's easy, then. It's a solved problem:

"It's not you, it's me".

That's all you need. In this case it has the advantage of being true.

But now what?

Sorry I thought you were just FWB. If he cares about you and you him, you can work on it.

He continues to call me and then I end up answering. I want a reason to hate him, otherwise, I miss him desperately.

They are. This man has a partner, she’s the side piece so they can’t work it out.

She also said in the opening post that she has no emotional feelings towards him and that he didn’t show any consideration towards her because he cums too quickly. That’s how the whole thread started.

Now she’s been told a few home truths she’s completely changed her story and perception of this man. She’s also now saying she’s in love with him.

I wouldn’t encourage her on this man as there seems be something not quite right with the OP.

Why are you talking as if you have no control over yourself?

Don't answer the phone. So what if you miss him desperately? That's just life.

You've said you want this to be over. What else is there to say?

A nice kind man doesn't cheat on his GF OP...