Unfair treatment from in-laws?

[InLawAgain]

Would these bother you / is it unfair treatment from in-laws?:

BIL's wife was in a car accident (no hospital visit needed). Mil demands we send her flowers and a card.
I am hospitalised for a week with bacterial pneumonia while 25 weeks pregnant. Nothing from BIL or SIL - not even a text message asking how I am.

For DH's aunt 60th birthday MIL demanding we send £25 towards a joint gift voucher. In 10 years of marriage his aunt has sent me nothing - not a birthday card or a text message.

Huge backstory with his family. I have many examples but don't want to make it a long post. DH can't see why I am bothered by these. If I mention this to MIL she always makes out as I am the problem for being bothered by this or denies they even happened.

MIL ‘demands’ ?! Presumably you ignore her and let DH deal with the demands?

Well obviously she likes you less and isn't afraid to show it. Is your DH legitimately unintelligent/slow? If he's not, if he holds down a regular job etc, he can see the issue perfectly... He just denies it because he doesn't want to deal with it.

Who does she ask to do these things?

Could it be that she asks her son to send his SIL or aunt flowers or whatever, and he delegates to you and says "we have been told"?

Demands??!!
And do you comply?
Do you contribute?

If DH says no to her - she will use emotional blackmail - "you are treating the family apart", silent treatment and tantrums.

You have to start answering back.
Demands for flowers...tell her you assumed we weren't doing this kind of thing as you received nothing when in hospital.
Cards...tell her you've never received one from aunt so don't reciprocate.

Well let her give you the silent treatment.
Stop being a doormat.

So this is his mum telling him to do it.

Typo "you are tearing the family apart" - this is her go to phrase when DH won't do what she wants

Is she messaging/talking directly to you? If so, respond with ‘Talk to Dh’ every single time, don’t get involved at all. Up to him if he wants to comply. Presumably you’ve explained to him why you feel unfairly treated?

Yes this would bother me. What would get to me the most is the lack of validation from my DH. Is your DH used to being treated differently?

You don’t have to agree to send money or gifts. If she’s contacting you, just say “I’ve passed the message on to DH, contact him about sorting it”. “Unfair” - well, perhaps she also tells other family members to send you flowers and gifts, and they’re just better at being assertive and saying they can’t afford or don’t want to.

Its not just gifts she interferes in - she has tried to pick houses we should live in, jobs DH should apply for, it goes on and on.

He finds it hard to stand up to his family. Biggest issue in my marriage

She's not your boss, she can't make you do anything! Leave DH to deal with her 'demands'.

Well it's down to your husband if he wants to give gifts to his family. Tell MIL any requests of that type need to go to him as they are not your family.

And just because she 'demands' something don't mean she's gonna get it.

BIL's wife was in a car accident (no hospital visit needed). Mil demands we send her flowers and a card.
I am hospitalised for a week with bacterial pneumonia while 25 weeks pregnant. Nothing from BIL or SIL - not even a text message asking how I am.

Yanbu - that sounds like it would have been fucking horrible for you.
Yabu not to have said im hospitalised. Where are my flowers?

For DH's aunt 60th birthday MIL demanding we send £25 towards a joint gift voucher. In 10 years of marriage his aunt has sent me nothing - not a birthday card or a text message

Yabu - its £25 quid and a milestone birthday.

More generally just neutrally redirect your mil back to her son.

"Hi mil, you should text dh about the flowers/money/cake/whatever so he can organise it. I'm very busy this week so cant help you woth that"

From someone with experience of this. Your husband needs to be more upset / uncomfortable/ whatever about upsetting you than her. My DH and I had some WILD arguments in the early years but after a quick hunt around he found his spine down the back of the sofa and normal servi e resumed.
My mil now knows not to come to me with any of her BS

It would bother me … so I would have fun with it… she demands that you do something… send in a group message with DH and her included her message saying DH can you please action.. and then forget about it… if he doesn’t do it and she questions it say I asked your son to do it for HIS family

But that’s his issue to deal with, surely? I don’t think I’ve ever got involved in any presents or cards for anyone on DH’s side of the family, far less in any disputes.

Who is she asking and via what method?

If its DH, his Mother his problem.

If it's you, not your Mother, not your problem. Block her.

Just don’t play the game. You really don’t have to. Silent treatment is a win, they’re not speaking to you so you don’t have to listen to them and can concentrate on people in your life who aren’t dicks.

She maybe making the same demands of sil and bil but they’re not doing what she asks.

I guess the biggest issue is why my husband won't stand up to his family. Why he doesn't care about how I am treated.

Then it's a husband problem. Not a MIL problem.

Either your husband is married to you, or he is a little boy controlled by his mother and therefore should not be married.

He needs to choose to cut the apron strings or leave the marriage and go and live with his mum.

Also when I try to put up boundaries, have privacy and say no to her - she keeps calling and texting DH - lots of emotional blackmail and bribery. Then says how "my behaviour is not normal".

Because the squeaky wheel gets the oil. Men like your husband will acquiesce to the demands of whoever is giving them the most hassle.

Stop rolling over and giving in to MILs demands. Leave your H to deal with her.But as soon as his capitulation to her demands had a negative impact on you, you need to make it very clear to him what you will not tolerate.