Unfair treatment from in-laws?

[InLawAgain]

Would these bother you / is it unfair treatment from in-laws?:

BIL's wife was in a car accident (no hospital visit needed). Mil demands we send her flowers and a card.
I am hospitalised for a week with bacterial pneumonia while 25 weeks pregnant. Nothing from BIL or SIL - not even a text message asking how I am.

For DH's aunt 60th birthday MIL demanding we send £25 towards a joint gift voucher. In 10 years of marriage his aunt has sent me nothing - not a birthday card or a text message.

Huge backstory with his family. I have many examples but don't want to make it a long post. DH can't see why I am bothered by these. If I mention this to MIL she always makes out as I am the problem for being bothered by this or denies they even happened.

Your husband’s issue with his mother is a separate one to yours. If she’s demanding things of him like sending flowers or cards to other family members, then leave them be. Not your problem. He can deal with the fallout. If she gets on to you simply say “I’ve left that to DH to sort out so speak to him”. When it’s something that affects both of you , ie house buying, a firm “thank you for your input but we’ll find our own house “ and move on. Be assertive or she absolutely will walk all over you. I also agree with another poster who said she’s probably tried it on with other family members who are able to stand up to her.

Your husband is part of the problem .

Who cares?
Drop the rope completely and leave it all to your DH

Your DH is the problem really
I had one of these but I managed to train it out of him

Yes, exactly. Not your circus, not your monkeys.

So what is different now that wasn't there when you decided to marry into this family?

Your DH doesn't care that his mum treats you badly. You can't make him change if he doesn't want to. However, you can refuse to visit her and, if he invites her to your house, you can refuse to facilitate the visit, e.g. don't cook any meals for her.

Don't get involved in any card or present buying for your DH's side of the family.

How did you do that? Its a constant battle with DH about his family and they way they treat us and our children

MIL got worse after we got married and then far worse after we had our first child. There was red fags I ignored

If she is calling and texting DH, that is not your problem.
Unless DH is making it your problem by telling you about it and moaning at you about his mother all the time. In which case tell him to keep it to himself as you have had enough of hearing it.

To clarify, is it your MIL telling you that your behaviour is not normal, or your DH?
If it is your MIL, block or mute her.
If it is DH, tell him it is perfectly normal in this day and age for each half of a married couple to deal with their own side of the family, and that you will not be doing the "wife work" of looking after his side of the family for him, that is his job.

It does sound as it your DH struggles to cope with his mother. You can support him to deal with her, act as a listening ear for him (when you have the patience and energy) but don't make the mistake of stepping in to manage the relationship for him. He has to find his own way.

It's so easy to spend other people's money. Maybe she tries to tell the rest of the family as well? And they say no.

I had a friend like this. Full of grand gestures on other people's dime.

If your DH wants to continue he finds the money so it doesn't affect you financially. I know it affects you emotionally but try to withdraw from it. I only now give out as much as comes in, I no longer keep on touch with those that don't make any effort.

You need to take a massive step back and delegate everything to DH. If she is like this now she will only get worse with age. Ignore her pleas and like others have said say you are leaving it up to DH. As far as your personal life with your own family and children you need to start grey rocking her. Minimal information means minimal interference. Do it all with a smile on your face but a hard resolve in your heart. Your DH needs to learn that MIL can try and micromanage him but she will have no further effect on you and your children.

"To clarify, is it your MIL telling you that your behaviour is not normal, or your DH?" She says my behaviour is not normal. When I started putting up boundaries / making sure DH did - she started saying this lots.

"I know it affects you emotionally but try to withdraw from it"
It is really hard to do that - because of they way she treated us after we had our first child and when then again when he was going through an autism diagnosis. Then with the way she treats me because I dared to put up boundaries

Flowers for a car crash that didnt even involve a hostipal trip? I wouldnt hold my tounge on that one i would tell her myself shes being ridiculous.
i would ask if shes holding a funeral for the car. 😆

Go completely grey rock on it
Do not engage other than with vague politeness and "oh dear" to anything and everything, including when your DH whines at you about it.
Only respond to direct questions NOT comments and even then do it with a "you will need to speak to DH" and then nothing else
I am not saying its easy and it took a while but DH rarely gets upset about his families antics now and when he does he recognises the manipulation and can even laugh about it.
The key is not to fight it but just step right back

Did MIL send you flowers/card when you were in hospital?

Silent treatment sounds good, so you won't have to interract!

My ex MIL was like this, constantly pestering us to send gifts and cards to all relatives and family friends for even the most banal of occasions- people who we never heard from usually. It's self serving and reflects well on MIL.

Nope. She came to the house when I got out of hospital and bothered me with questions when I wanted to rest. No respect for boundaries

It's self serving and reflects well on MIL Yes 100% I think this is why MIL does it. We have had the send flowers to people I have not heard of or met before.

SIL probably learned to say no to MIL years ago. About time you did too.

Agree with this 👆

And you said "sorry MIL I am really unwell and need to go to bed so you will have to go, bye"
You have to be VERY direct with people like this and then not care about any consequences, your only alternative is to put up with it and get upset and post on MN

Clearly if he won't stand up to his family then you and your husband need a bit of distance from them - but he needs to be in agreement with this. The first obstacle would be if he doesn't agree that his mother is batshit. If he does then apart from having it all out in a big blow up argument to hopefully clear the air (unlikely to be successful) then you just withdraw a bit. Not every message or phonecall needs to be answered - phone have useful 'block' features and mute buttons that you should not be scared to use! You also don't always have to be available for visits and events. She won't change how she is but the less you all have to do with her, the less you'll have to deal with it. Moving to another country would probably be the ideal solution but it's a bit drastic.

She sounds like one of those self obsessed, performative, annoying people who do 'wonderful things' for others to make themselves look 'wonderful'. In fact, she only cares about herself.
Your DH has clearly been brainwashed by her over the years. I'd keep on pushing back and encourage your DH to do the same. Go as low contact as you can and if she gives you the silent treatment then let her crack on. You and your dH are not splitting up the family she is. You know that and everyone else will know that too.
Give her a very wide berth and tell your DH to do the same for his own sanity. She sounds awful.