Unfair treatment from in-laws?

[InLawAgain]

Would these bother you / is it unfair treatment from in-laws?:

BIL's wife was in a car accident (no hospital visit needed). Mil demands we send her flowers and a card.
I am hospitalised for a week with bacterial pneumonia while 25 weeks pregnant. Nothing from BIL or SIL - not even a text message asking how I am.

For DH's aunt 60th birthday MIL demanding we send £25 towards a joint gift voucher. In 10 years of marriage his aunt has sent me nothing - not a birthday card or a text message.

Huge backstory with his family. I have many examples but don't want to make it a long post. DH can't see why I am bothered by these. If I mention this to MIL she always makes out as I am the problem for being bothered by this or denies they even happened.

So? Obviously, you're not doing this, but you and your husband just need to ignore this kind of comment. Why does it bother you? Be polite, but disengage from all of them.

You have choices, so make them in the way that is best for you!

The one and only problem here is your DH. He is the one allowing her to treat you so badly. It won’t get better, only worse. Read the thread where the op is dealing with this 27years and her dh moved in with his mother!
don’t waste your life on this pathetic man. He is ok with his family treating you badly, why do you want to be with someone like that?

I think the best response is a short and assertive “Ha-Ha-Ha! No”

Marvellous OP - nice and clear. (I can almost hear your MIL's apoplectic spluttering from here!
Thanks.
In 15 years I have never heard my MIL say sorry or own up to her mistakes - she always turns it into her being the victim and never her fault

You have my sympathies OP - my in-laws are like this. Just yesterday DH was told to contribute to a £££££ birthday gift for SIL despite me never receiving a gift/ card in 15 years and DH not receiving a birthday gift/ card for several - and we never receive anything for Christmas despite being expected to buy for all them and other families (there is no financial reasoning for this). We have raised it in the past but get told to not be grabby and that life isn’t ’tit for tat’. It’s not about money - it’s about unequal care, thought and effort in a relationship and it hurts when the effort is made for others and not you - and extra salt is rubbed into the wound when you are expected to fund the effort for others too!
your reply to your MIL is great - I’m going to save it for when the Xmas requests come my way!

Does this aunt send your husband gifts and birthday cards?

It’s not about money - it’s about unequal care 100% how I feel

Don't let your DH guilt trip you into action if MIL says anything to him. So don't be buying cards, flowers, gifts, dropping stuff off etc if he wants to then he can do the groundwork

I think you’re my hero!
i think grabbing the bull by the horns is so much better than compromising/putting up with this crap whilst resentment builds.

@Charminggoldfinch
Just stop. Send birthday card but no gift.
Presents for the kids maybe but none for the adults who don't reciprocate and if they complain.. just say Oh I thought you'd decided not to exchange Christmas presents and I didn't want to embarrass you..

Or send them all an email up front so they can get the arguments and ire out of the way and say.

Hi Folks, Just a heads up, this year we are giving xmas presents to DCs Ie under18s. (or we won't be doing any presents this year) We don't expect any presents in return so please don't trouble yourselves to buy our family any presents this year (laughing emoji)
Looking forward to seeing you all in December.

And let them bluster their way out of that one. And spend the cash you've saved on your own micro family unit.

We have a similar dynamic with some members of my husband's family. For years I made a point of sending cards and presents for the children but with no acknowledgement that our kids even exist, never mind birthday or Christmas cards. I always justified it by saying to my husband that he should be the bigger person, that two wrongs don't make a right blah blah, that one day he might choose to pursue a good relationship with these people and their children and would then be pleased he's done the right thing, and that he can't moan about them not sending us cards or presents when we're not doing it either. However a couple of years ago I just decided to stop bothering. There's just no point. Being the bigger person isn't getting him anywhere. No-one even notices or cares that he's apparently the 'bigger person'. Furthermore there's been enough bad behaviour by said family members that everyone has plenty of other reasons to moan about them and are also good reasons why my husband will never want us or our children to have any real relationship with them. Them not sending us cards and presents doesn't even get a look in compared to some of their bullshit. We didn't even know if the kids were even being given the gifts most of the time or if their shitty mother was just flogging them for her own benefit.

Having stopped I don't particularly feel any great sense of relief or pressure off but I feel it's helped me adjust my expectations of what's realistic with these people. If any comments are made by husband's parents about it I'm now perfectly happy to explain the decision and my husband always was happy not to do it in the first place, so I think it's just better for everyone to accept that you can't choose your family and react accordingly.

Just ignore her honestly. You're a grown adult, you can choose to send or not send flowers as you please.

Thanks - appreciate the comment. Especially with MIL trying to pretend things never happened or make out that my behaviour of putting up boundaries is not normal

Update - no reply from MIL. She will be thinking how can she reply in a way that makes me the problem. Or she will send a sulking message to DH about it

@Charminggoldfinch What's so weird to me is that neither of your in-laws can see the inequality here or, if they can, they think it's perfectly fine and make no attempt to explain it.
I can't stand unfairness or injustice and your in-laws are CFs of the highest order! 😡 I would take great delight in telling them to GTTOSOF on every possible occasion.

Well, your rationale for refusing is perfectly clear and perfectly fair so I don't see how your bat-shit MIL can make this a "you" problem.
Would your DH show you any sulky texts she sends him?

Frankly, keep any response, short and simple, so it cannot be misunderstood. I find, "No." works best and if she persists then, "Not my show, not my monkeys, speak to DH." And I suspect that will close off any further discussion on the topic.

Well done! This has made my day. So often you see people wimping out of things like this. I am lucky that my MIL is lovely but if she wasn’t there is no way I’d put up with any sh1t and I think you should be proud of yourself for not being a doormat.

Then let her be silent. I'm so done with always being overly generous and getting nothing back. I know you're not supposed to want things back, but nobody cares about me at all so why waste my money. I suggest you do the same.

Well done OP.👏👏👏
Send that loser back to his mother if he gives you any guff.
You married down, big time.
Always a mistake!

Sounds like my mil. She pissed both me and BILs wife off at the same time once. Both her sons, our husbands told her her behaviour was not ok and she had really upset us. BILs wife got an apology and a bunch of flowers I got sweet FA! I just know where I stand now and that’s ok with me. Let your husband deal with her nonsense and you back away big time!

@InLawAgain are you me? Coz this seems waaaaay too familiar 🤔 🤣🤣🤣

MIL sounds like a complete narc. Let DH do all the dealings and pay out of his own pocket for any monetary demands. You need to take a step back for your own sanity. Always play the victim after their demands aren’t met. DH needs to step up and support you.

Well done OP!

i have to say though, I recently sent my MIl a similar killer message and got the most disappointing response- “I understand”

😭😭😭

they’re clever these people. There is a reason they manage to spend decades driving others mad 😂

Well done for standing up to her. Only upward from here. Next in your firing line should be your dh if he dares gives you a hard time.