Page 4 | Unfair treatment from in-laws?

Ooogle · 30/10/2025 11:50

Just ignore her. My mil tried to start us having to send anniversary cards and gifts to bil and sil every year. We did it the first year and then ignored it and she hasn’t asked since. Bil and sil have similarly sent us one the first year and then not again. None of us want to send cards, we’re all just happy to text anniversary wishes but mil seemed very into us sending cards which might be a generation thing.

i think maybe your sil and bil were asked to send you flowers and a card too and just said no. You also need to say no. Just say we prefer to text. Or better still, leave it to DH to say no.

itsgettingweird · 30/10/2025 11:54

He needs to text his mum “In-law is in hospital with bacterial pneumonia whilst pregnant and we’ve received no flowers etc. by not caring you’re tearing this family apart”.

Them see what she comes back with!

KarmenPQZ · 30/10/2025 11:55

InLawAgain · 30/10/2025 09:52

If DH says no to her - she will use emotional blackmail - "you are treating the family apart", silent treatment and tantrums.

From the examples you’ve given why would your DH say no to her? He should send his sister a card. And he should contribute to his aunts presents.

linking this to her not sending you flowers seems unnecessary. You’re her daughter in law. And you’re clearly not as close to her as her actual daughter or sister.

if your husband delegates his family admin onto you then you have a DH problem not a MIL one. Same if she’s pushing him to apply for jobs I don’t see why this is a concern. If it’s a good job then why not…. Same if she’s doing the leg work looking for houses then great… you can then discuss if they work for you as a family… let hubby draw his own conclusions by asking open questions like ‘how does this floor pan work for this situation’. Or ‘how does this location work for getting to x,y and z’

Ionlymakejokestodistractmyself · 30/10/2025 11:57

Can't you extract yourself and let DH deal with it?

Leave the WhatsApp group, or mute it

If she can't contact you, she can't bother you out say rude things to you.

MissDoubleU · 30/10/2025 11:59

InLawAgain · 30/10/2025 09:53

Typo "you are tearing the family apart" - this is her go to phrase when DH won't do what she wants

“That’s rather silly, no I’m not tearing the family apart because I haven’t sent a card. X and Y know I care about them and I’ve passed on my wishes personally.”

SquaredCircled · 30/10/2025 12:00

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 30/10/2025 11:46

There is a great saying in Ireland.

I will, yeah. It means No. (You can usually tell from the tone and the delivery 😊)

Maybe say Right or something non commital, and just not do it. If your DH feels he must obey tell him to do it himself. If he try’s to get you to do it, refuse.

Let her get mad, so what. Let her bluster and tantrum go in one ear and out the other. And maybe take a little enjoyment from riling her up by not doing as she demands.

I'm actually wearing my Hairy Baby I WILL YEAH tshirt today. (Under a jumper. It's freezing.)

WhyamIinahandcartandwherearewegoing · 30/10/2025 12:07

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 30/10/2025 09:56

It would bother me … so I would have fun with it… she demands that you do something… send in a group message with DH and her included her message saying DH can you please action.. and then forget about it… if he doesn’t do it and she questions it say I asked your son to do it for HIS family

Absolutely this, let him deal with her demands if he insists on giving in to them.

ResusciAnnie · 30/10/2025 12:22

InLawAgain · 30/10/2025 10:41

It's self serving and reflects well on MIL Yes 100% I think this is why MIL does it. We have had the send flowers to people I have not heard of or met before.

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You haven’t, though. You haven’t had to do anything. Just don’t do it. If you feel you must, don’t do it but tell her you have.

Imagine receiving flowers from someone you’ve never met 🥴 bet they thought you were bonkers, not that it made MIL look good.

Endofyear · 30/10/2025 12:23

MIL can demand all she likes - you don't have to comply. She can rage and fuss and say things about you - that's up to her. You can ignore and let DH deal with her. You cannot control how she behaves but you do control how you choose to respond to her.

99bottlesofkombucha · 30/10/2025 12:31

I think re the flowers I’d just say yep sure. Then next time they checked say yes I assume they got delivered. Then next time say dh your mum keeps asking about the flowers for your random distant relative, do you have a receipt or something? And walk off.
but I also think perhaps you should mute her on your phone, and distance yourself.

Happyjoe · 30/10/2025 12:36

InLawAgain · 30/10/2025 09:52

If DH says no to her - she will use emotional blackmail - "you are treating the family apart", silent treatment and tantrums.

Leave her to it. If it were me, I'd prob just say "I don't respond to emotional blackmail" and shut the door.

LuckyMint · 30/10/2025 12:42

You are not the problem. MIL should mind her own business, and stop controlling people.

Zimunya · 30/10/2025 12:44

TheatricalLife · 30/10/2025 09:52

You have to start answering back.
Demands for flowers...tell her you assumed we weren't doing this kind of thing as you received nothing when in hospital.
Cards...tell her you've never received one from aunt so don't reciprocate.

Yes, this!

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 30/10/2025 12:45

If DH won’t do it, you have to. The word is no-use it. You have to send flowers-no, I won’t be doing that. You have to send money-no I won’t be doing that. You have to answer to me - no I won’t be doing that. Remove yourself from the game. It’s not normal-no, I know your behaviour is not normal and I’m not involving myself in it.
if your DH wants to comply, let him. Just remove yourself from the equation, you’ll be amazed at how freeing it is

SpinningaCompass · 30/10/2025 12:48

InLawAgain · 30/10/2025 09:52

If DH says no to her - she will use emotional blackmail - "you are treating the family apart", silent treatment and tantrums.

Then let her! Refuse to engage and stop feeding the monster.

Original poster

InLawAgain · 30/10/2025 13:09

KarmenPQZ · 30/10/2025 11:55

From the examples you’ve given why would your DH say no to her? He should send his sister a card. And he should contribute to his aunts presents.

linking this to her not sending you flowers seems unnecessary. You’re her daughter in law. And you’re clearly not as close to her as her actual daughter or sister.

if your husband delegates his family admin onto you then you have a DH problem not a MIL one. Same if she’s pushing him to apply for jobs I don’t see why this is a concern. If it’s a good job then why not…. Same if she’s doing the leg work looking for houses then great… you can then discuss if they work for you as a family… let hubby draw his own conclusions by asking open questions like ‘how does this floor pan work for this situation’. Or ‘how does this location work for getting to x,y and z’

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The car accident flowers were for her other daughter in law - not daughter.

OP posts:

Original poster

InLawAgain · 30/10/2025 13:12

Update: I sent this message to MIL

We won't be going in on a joint present for [Aunt's name]. Because in almost 10 years of marriage and 15 years of knowing her - [Aunt's name] has never sent me anything for my birthday, not even a birthday card. I am deeply upset by this. As it seems I am expected to treat people in the family better than they treat me.

She probably won't reply unless she can somehow turn it around on me as the problem or just guilt trip my DH

OP posts:

Tolong · 30/10/2025 13:12

Op stand up for yourself you dont need a man to do it for you.

Just tell them I'll send flowers or gifts, when you lot send me some, if you haven't noticed none of you seem to think i exists in x amount of years, so until then you can all fuck off.
Oh and please take your guilt trips and tantrums with you it doesn't work hear.
I married my husband not his whole family.

If your husband has anything to add just well someone needed to say the truth if he doesn't like it tell him he always has the option to go back with them.

Hoppinggreen · 30/10/2025 13:15

InLawAgain · 30/10/2025 13:12

Update: I sent this message to MIL

We won't be going in on a joint present for [Aunt's name]. Because in almost 10 years of marriage and 15 years of knowing her - [Aunt's name] has never sent me anything for my birthday, not even a birthday card. I am deeply upset by this. As it seems I am expected to treat people in the family better than they treat me.

She probably won't reply unless she can somehow turn it around on me as the problem or just guilt trip my DH

Wrong move but lets see
You just gave her more fodder for claiming you are "tearing the family apart"

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 30/10/2025 13:16

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 30/10/2025 09:55

BIL's wife was in a car accident (no hospital visit needed). Mil demands we send her flowers and a card.
I am hospitalised for a week with bacterial pneumonia while 25 weeks pregnant. Nothing from BIL or SIL - not even a text message asking how I am.

Yanbu - that sounds like it would have been fucking horrible for you.
Yabu not to have said im hospitalised. Where are my flowers?

For DH's aunt 60th birthday MIL demanding we send £25 towards a joint gift voucher. In 10 years of marriage his aunt has sent me nothing - not a birthday card or a text message

Yabu - its £25 quid and a milestone birthday.

More generally just neutrally redirect your mil back to her son.

"Hi mil, you should text dh about the flowers/money/cake/whatever so he can organise it. I'm very busy this week so cant help you woth that"

From someone with experience of this. Your husband needs to be more upset / uncomfortable/ whatever about upsetting you than her. My DH and I had some WILD arguments in the early years but after a quick hunt around he found his spine down the back of the sofa and normal servi e resumed.
My mil now knows not to come to me with any of her BS

Edited

Good points above.

The lack of any gesture when you were in hospital was utterly miserable. I hope other's stepped up for you x

I found it helpful to re adjust my expectations of people like that who expect tributes and homage and consideration but never show any in return, to the very lowest level and then its less of a surprise when they don't show up. There are other people in your life who will and I would make DH very very aware that he is expected to be one of them and needs to make up the deficiency from now on.

Bat all this stuff straight back to DH with a big beaming smile as if this is the Ideal solution, proclaim that he loves doing it, (up to him to say to her that he doesn't!) and let it be known its in his portfolio from now on. Any squawking, send him no more than three links for online shops to help him get started.

I also liked @PivotPivotmakingmargaritas idea of a group post of you, your DH and MIL - so much easier to say no in a text. . What's she going to do? Fire you?

Look up the song "You're not the Boss of me now" by They Might Be Giants on youtube and mentally play it in your head, as required.

kiwiane · 30/10/2025 13:24

Well done - how dare she spend your money for you!

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 30/10/2025 13:25

SpinningaCompass · 30/10/2025 12:48

Then let her! Refuse to engage and stop feeding the monster.

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This.. if she goes down that route, then I'd say silent treatment is a welcome relief. It is also then up to her to unsilence.

ChocolateCinderToffee · 30/10/2025 13:32

InLawAgain · 30/10/2025 09:52

If DH says no to her - she will use emotional blackmail - "you are treating the family apart", silent treatment and tantrums.

The answer to that is ‘no, you are and I’m not going to get involved any more!’

AngelicKaty · 30/10/2025 13:35

InLawAgain · 30/10/2025 13:12

Update: I sent this message to MIL

We won't be going in on a joint present for [Aunt's name]. Because in almost 10 years of marriage and 15 years of knowing her - [Aunt's name] has never sent me anything for my birthday, not even a birthday card. I am deeply upset by this. As it seems I am expected to treat people in the family better than they treat me.

She probably won't reply unless she can somehow turn it around on me as the problem or just guilt trip my DH

Marvellous OP - nice and clear. (I can almost hear your MIL's apoplectic spluttering from here! 😂 )

SapphOhNo · 30/10/2025 13:43

"You're tearing the family apart"

You reply

"That's a bit hysterical. Are you feeling ok?"