Unfair treatment from in-laws?

[InLawAgain]

Would these bother you / is it unfair treatment from in-laws?:

BIL's wife was in a car accident (no hospital visit needed). Mil demands we send her flowers and a card.
I am hospitalised for a week with bacterial pneumonia while 25 weeks pregnant. Nothing from BIL or SIL - not even a text message asking how I am.

For DH's aunt 60th birthday MIL demanding we send £25 towards a joint gift voucher. In 10 years of marriage his aunt has sent me nothing - not a birthday card or a text message.

Huge backstory with his family. I have many examples but don't want to make it a long post. DH can't see why I am bothered by these. If I mention this to MIL she always makes out as I am the problem for being bothered by this or denies they even happened.

Maybe BIL and SIL have better boundaries than you and DH. You shouldn't be giving into demands regardless of the potential fall out.

You don’t “have” to send flowers. You can choose to, to keep the peace, but as you’ve already figured out it doesn’t make any difference to her behaviour. So in future just a polite “oh dear, how awful they’re ill, hope they’re better soon” and move on. If she demands you send flowers just politely nod and smile noncommittally.

And why does this bother him so much that he’ll cave? Does he fear abandonment if he defies her?

Why does it matter?

It’s his family and I assume he has his own money . So let him at it and try not to be upset by it.

Who TF cares, his circus not yours. You have a DH problem - I’d be ignoring the MIL and considering how to sort the real issue.

If DH says no to her - she will use emotional blackmail - "you are treating the family apart", silent treatment and tantrums

Well, that's his problem.

If she wants to ask your DH to buy presents/send money etc then he can.

If he thinks you shouldn't have a problem with it then fine as well-just don't get involved. She can ask him and he can do as he's told, if that's not an issue for him. You don't have anything to do with it.

@InLawAgain YANBU OP. Yes, these things would bother me and it is unfair treatment from your in-laws.
Re. your MIL's "demand" you buy flowers/card for your BIL's wife, I would reply: "Why would I do that when I was hospitalised with bacterial pneumonia while 25 weeks pregnant and I didn't get so much as a text message from her asking how I was?" And what does your DH think about this? Surely he can see there is very unequal treatment going on here? I'm afraid I would tell MIL and DH to go fuck themselves before I would dance to their tune. Unfortunately, your MIL has the mistaken impression she can interfere in your life because your DH hasn't set her straight on this. You have a MIL problem, but also a DH problem.

Why was she able to talk to you after you left hospital? She turns up, you simply say I’m not up to visitors can you leave please.

I had a similar issue with in laws and had to deal with it myself. I’d ask them to leave it they were overstepping, would tell DH not to discuss his family issues/demands/complaints with me. I’d leave the room if they were saying something that irritated me. I great rocked, ignored, pushed back and when all else failed I would nod, agree and then not follow through.

This helped to massively reduce the influence they had on my life, DH was also less bothered by them because their ‘power’ over us is negligible when one person doesn’t engage.

We actually have a much better relationship with them now because they know they won’t get anywhere if they’re arseholes.

Sorry, but you are adults, the answer, when she demands is no. Ignore the texts, and tell your husband to step up as it is affecting you. Your husband sounds weak. I would honestly not have any respect fir him.

So when you speak to your H about this, calmly when it’s just the two of you, what has he to say about it? Does he admit he wants to ignore this behaviour because he prefers a constant drip of stress and dread, to a confrontation (however short)? I actually understand that because I had a difficult relationship with my mother, but he should understand that you will start to assert a boundary if he won’t, and perhaps that over time it will erode your feelings for him. As his wife and chosen family, you should take priority over his mother and birth family.

Boundaries you can assert would include banning her from your house if you’re there, and every time she messages you with one of her demands just give it a 👍, no other response (it’ll really annoy her!). And of course, ignore whatever batshit demand it contains.

No you haven't had to!
For goodness sake, stop being a doormat!

I’m afraid it would bother me . I hate unfair treatment. I hate women like your MIL even more , throwing tantrums when she doesn’t get her own way . My god is she 6. Your OH needs to either find a backbone or he arranges and pays for all this himself .

Next time MIL asks you/DH, say 'We have stopped doing cards and presents as we never received anything. We have opted out.'

You're only hearing one side

Yes, there's no 'have to'. No one is holding you at gunpoint. You are choosing to do this, presumably because you don't want to deal with the discomfort of saying 'No' to someone you sound afraid of. Which means you are seething with suppressed resentment and starting threads on the internet about 'unfair treatment'. Would it not be far better for your peace of mind to recognise that you have been making choices that are ultimately unhelpful, and decide to choose differently in future, save yourself money, and deal with the discomfort of saying 'no'?

Basically, you're choosing between different discomforts.

well there you go, its not a MIL problem, its a DH problem. Either he grows a pair or you take action.

This. Why have neither you or your DH (either together or separately) got enough of a backbone to tell MIL to fuck off?!

Why are you buying flowers for people you've never met?!

Why is she "demanding" money for gifts?!

Seriously, I know your DH is most likely a massive doormat and you can't say no for fear of rocking the boat but you absolutely need to. Otherwise this will never stop.

Your husband is a weak mummys boy.
He cares only for his mummy.
He prefers to upset you than her.

You chose poorly.
You married down.
You had children with a man child.

These are the consequences.
This is your life until it bothers you enough to say, No, nope, not happening to her and him.

Start being a completely unreasonable woman who makes his life hell.
Then tell him to move back to mummy.

How you have sex with such a man is beyond me.

You and your children deserve better than him and his awful family.
Stop caring and find your inner bitch.
Refuse to see them or be involved.

Do the above or accept this is your life, the consequence of choosing a loser for a husband and father to your children.

Apologies if that is harsh, but it is the reality with such people.

DH needs to 'grow a pair' and back you up. I had the same with my parents and my wife. My golden child sister and obnoxious brother got the attention. We just got the passive aggressive, emotional blackmail bullsh*t from my side.

It took a while for me to work through it and navigate how best to deal with it but ended up having conversations asking for fair treatment, until it was apparent that wasn't happening.

We don't see any of them now, and life is far better for it.

It's about him seeing it and then acting on it.

Good luck.

Let her. Who cares?

You’re sick and you’re pregnant. You don’t need to have anything to do with her drama.

Ignore her. Then when she behaves like a psycho ignore her again.

For things like sending a card or flowers, as long as it does not impair the family budget too much, I would leave him to decide how to handle that. From his perspective, it is a way to manage a difficult relationship with his mother. Some battles aren’t worth fighting.

save your and his energy for worrying about actual interactions with her. If she disrespects you in your own home, he should correct her. If she does it again, he should ask her to leave. The same should be true of you are visiting. She behaves or the visit wraps up early. You don’t even have to state why you are ending things, just call an end to the meeting and go. She will catch on eventually.

There is a great saying in Ireland.

I will, yeah. It means No. (You can usually tell from the tone and the delivery 😊)

Maybe say Right or something non commital, and just not do it. If your DH feels he must obey tell him to do it himself. If he try’s to get you to do it, refuse.

Let her get mad, so what. Let her bluster and tantrum go in one ear and out the other. And maybe take a little enjoyment from riling her up by not doing as she demands.

Probably because he wants a quiet life, or doesn’t feel it’s needed. Most men only do things that benefit them. If he wanted to stand up to her he would. But he doesn’t want too. Just step away and leave him to deal with it. Make it his problem.

Id be saying

MIL ill send six exactly the same as she sent me when I was in hospital 25 weeks pg with a terrible illness, absolutely nothing, you do you