Unfair treatment from in-laws?

[InLawAgain]

Would these bother you / is it unfair treatment from in-laws?:

BIL's wife was in a car accident (no hospital visit needed). Mil demands we send her flowers and a card.
I am hospitalised for a week with bacterial pneumonia while 25 weeks pregnant. Nothing from BIL or SIL - not even a text message asking how I am.

For DH's aunt 60th birthday MIL demanding we send £25 towards a joint gift voucher. In 10 years of marriage his aunt has sent me nothing - not a birthday card or a text message.

Huge backstory with his family. I have many examples but don't want to make it a long post. DH can't see why I am bothered by these. If I mention this to MIL she always makes out as I am the problem for being bothered by this or denies they even happened.

Sounds like my MiL but we are no contact now. Various reasons but the constant double standards and playing people off against each other was a huge factor. I would stop engaging completely tbh.

I would say

Do what she expects. Exceed every ludicrous expectation until they wither with embarrassment. Hold the line. Smile. Kill them with kindness. Shame their meanness. Then it will all stop. Ideally they begin to be wary of you. Good luck x

I realised a long time ago if you give into the demands then you become resentful and it ends badly so prob best to just politely bat it off and do what suits you.

Never underestimate the power of silence.
You have said your piece, no need to say anything further.
Time to drop the rope and step away.
Help him pzck if he has a problem.

Not entirely sure how this would help! The more you give in to nonsense like this the more they expect… Giving in just fuels the ridiculous demands.

Sympathies OP. This stuff drives me nuts. My DH gets guilt tripped by his DM into doing stuff for his grandmother when she doesn’t give a flying fuck about him (or anyone else). He does it to keep the peace. Irritates me. He did at least point out to his DM that delightful granny hadn’t ever sent me a bday card (when some guilt tripping about her bday was taking place) - apparently the impediment was that she “didn’t know the date of my bday” (however could one find out 🤷🏻‍♀️) but managed to organise a card by the time it came around again 😏

This is very true. The aim is to control, and that doesn’t stop. If you meet one demand, it will simply be overtaken by another. You’re on to a losing game trying to keep up

Unless you specifically told her that you didn’t want her to visit you, then there wasn’t any boundary.
How do you know she didn’t tell your SIL to send you a card and flowers after you’d been in hospital?

Yeah definitely - giving into MIL will make her demands just increase. She will never stop or be grateful.

I Fully expect her to adopt a DARVO approach. She’ll deny, then attack you and then become a victim. Just remain strong and dignified.
be factual with your husband. You are addressing the situation. He knows, he’s just stuck with who he is and not wanting to rock the boat. He needs to prioritise the family he has made not his family of origin.

100% this.

Decide for yourself how you will allow yourself to be treated, without reference to him, and you might find he gets better at standing up to her. As it stands he's letting you absorb a lot of her crap so that he doesn't have to. Block her, ignore her, tell him you're not interested in hearing what she has to say about you, and he might grow a backbone. And even if he doesn't, he'll be the one suffering the consequences instead of you.

No shit, Sherlock!
He’s your problem, not her.

I get this off my SIL! It’s auntie such and such’s birthday have you got her address to send cards. It’s cousins birthday he’s had a hard few months!! Do you think we could all call x this week. I just replied and say speak you your brother (in your case her son) and if he wants to send/call/txt he will. Have a nice day

Oh I can beat you on the demands of in laws when they act like you don't exist.

I can't stand mine, no MIL or FIL as both long gone before I met DH. Instead I have 3 SIL and 2 BIL.
The SIL are vile, literally vile and make no secret of their huge dislike of me, apparently I "made'" DD gay because I used to blog and I persuaded her for "content".
They never acknowledge my birthday, or those of either of my DCs. Not a single wedding gift when we got married and when we had a huge anniversary this year, not a single one came to our party and as a reult none of the extended family. Yet when one of the SIL had the same anniversary about a fortnight later, every one went and gifts were given (I refused to go as did my two wonderful teens)
One BIL I've met 3 times in over 25 years. He's a miserable patronising twat. He visited last year when we had just launched a business, slagged it to death, and treated me like a common assistant not his in law.

Anyway, we've now been told- not asked actually told- that in two years time he demands we all go to his for Christmas, no excuses, including all the DCs of all six of the siblings. He lives across the other side of the world. I don't know how many ways I can tell them all to fuck off to the far side of fuck.
According to the SIL who told us of this demand, it will 'only" cost £800 for flights. No it won't. And apparently there's "not enough room" for us four at his house. I looked up this years prices including hotel stays and travel insurance - £20,000 plus at Christmas. At least. Not to mention DD will be 21 by then and DS 19 and at uni. Oh and he's paying for two other of the siblings and their families flights but not ours.

We've already said no and they've commenced bitch at DH until he does what he's told. I've literally threatened divorce if he dares. It's our busiest time of year at our business. Why would I spend that amount of money to sit with people, at Christmas, who act like 3 of us don't exist the rest of the time? Oh won't that be fun?

Honestly, just tell your in laws no. Don't be bullied. Give back what you receive so if you get ignored ignore back.

Not receiving anything while in hospital is terrible.
The aunt part I can understand if she sends things to your husband.

Just block her... You're giving her far too much headspace..

You dont have to interact with her..

Holding onto stuff that she's said and done over the years is not good for you.... Chances are she won't remember most of it/doesn't care a bit...

Can you access some counselling/therapy at all ? As its not helpful to you... If you havd a dc with SEN you mention an autism diagnosis... Then maybe via a local carers centre there is often some support?. Its hard enough being a parent of a child with a disability without hanging on to other stuff....
Your dh sounds like he's not got your back and will just give in for quiet life ...so you need to focus on whats right for you...

I have the same issue with my MIL. She has never sent any cards or called us for my son's birthday. She hasn't a clue when my birthday is or indeed that I have one. Earlier on in marriage, I used to diligently try to visit her, sent her gifts for her birthdays, reminded my husband to call her on her birthdays, never came to her house empty handed so to speak etc, etc... After 15 years of doing that, I stopped bothering. I know we aren't meant to expect reciprocation and all that but it wasn't even that I expected that much from her. Just a thought if you know what I mean. It's not even a thought for me but I would have liked it if she at least remembered my son's birthdays. She never has. So I really stopped bothering.

She is very different with her daughters' kids and my husband's brother's kids. I don't really know what that depends on. Whether it's because they live in the same city or something else but I am wondering if their attitudes are shaped by their attitudes to their own children. I know many people think that parents love all their kids equally but I am really starting to feel that this isn't always the case and in families with more than one kid, every child basically experiences a different set of parents despite the fact that theoretically speaking their parents are the same people.

Update: No reply to my text. On the family chat MIL said:

BTW this will be the last time I'm going to remind or suggest anything for anyone's birthday. As you know for years I've nudged people about others birthdays. I even helped organise Nana's 80th birthday. I invited everyone in the family to my own 60th Birthday and [Step FIL] 65th Birthday. I will not do this again. I'm fed up being the whipping boy. I [DH name] this was a suggestion if you and [My name] don't want to contribute then you should have said. No one is being forced

She has went with ignoring my legitimate concerns and playing the victim once again

The not being forced - they why does she send multiple reminders and guilt tripping messages then?

Just block her. Leave all the family whatsapp groups. If she can’t contact you then it’s not your problem.

👍would be my response if any.
Silence is good too.

I hope you are busy helping your weak mummys boy husband pack and go home to his awful mother.

You deserve so much better than him.

I agree, time to leave all his family groups.

Just ignore her. Shes trying to shame you into back tracking and she’s playing the poor me card.
Now you can switch off from her controlling batshittery.
and yes , she’s deflecting from the issue of how you are treated differently.

You just give a post like that a thumbs up 😁 and tell dh to also! I’d do it for my dh

Just ignore her. Shes trying to shame you into back tracking and she’s playing the poor me card
she’s deflecting from the issue of how you are treated differently.

I don't think she has ever apologised or admitted fault in her life. She is always the victim. Every time you call her out on her behaviour you are the bad guy for doing so. Convinced she is a covert narcissist

This is what the eyeroll or thumbs up emoji exists for

Time to stop listening to MIL. Like others have said, let husband deal with it, not your problem.

She sounds controlling, and yes, how is it fair that she thinking SIL deserves flowers whilst you got nothing?