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AIBU?

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Original poster

MIL, DD and Money

272 replies

Cookies31 · 30/10/2025 09:19

MIL gives DD Money for birthdays and other celebrations usually a small amount which DD spends all on sweets and mostly just loses it. She keeps under her pillow and doesn’t let me move it, once or twice it’s gone missing when cousins are around! She goes hysterical when I try to move it so I just leave it. This year MIL has given her birthday money and Xmas money together and it’s a ridiculous amount - £120!!! DD has had it for 2 weeks and no intention of spending just wants to keep under pillow again. I’ve suggested we put into her savings account but she started screaming and me telling me she knows what she wants to go with it. All half term I’ve taken her shopping but she wants to use my money rather than her money that’s sitting under pillow. We’re not exactly rich and £120 is a lot we could do but I’m letting her decide what to do . Tomorrow is Halloween and friends and family are coming over , I’ve asked her to move to a safer place rather than under pillow but she’s having a tantrum again, I don’t know what to do, she could spend it on things she really needs or put in the bank to keep safe but she’s not listening, we’re going Halloween shopping now and she’s not going to use her money on a costume so I’ll have to fork out even though I’m overdrawn. If she puts in the bank we know it’s safe and she can spend on things that she really wants at a later time. She’s 9 years old.she has a savings account with about £5 in at the moment.

OP posts:
nicepotoftea · 30/10/2025 12:34

Cookies31 · 30/10/2025 09:19

MIL gives DD Money for birthdays and other celebrations usually a small amount which DD spends all on sweets and mostly just loses it. She keeps under her pillow and doesn’t let me move it, once or twice it’s gone missing when cousins are around! She goes hysterical when I try to move it so I just leave it. This year MIL has given her birthday money and Xmas money together and it’s a ridiculous amount - £120!!! DD has had it for 2 weeks and no intention of spending just wants to keep under pillow again. I’ve suggested we put into her savings account but she started screaming and me telling me she knows what she wants to go with it. All half term I’ve taken her shopping but she wants to use my money rather than her money that’s sitting under pillow. We’re not exactly rich and £120 is a lot we could do but I’m letting her decide what to do . Tomorrow is Halloween and friends and family are coming over , I’ve asked her to move to a safer place rather than under pillow but she’s having a tantrum again, I don’t know what to do, she could spend it on things she really needs or put in the bank to keep safe but she’s not listening, we’re going Halloween shopping now and she’s not going to use her money on a costume so I’ll have to fork out even though I’m overdrawn. If she puts in the bank we know it’s safe and she can spend on things that she really wants at a later time. She’s 9 years old.she has a savings account with about £5 in at the moment.

This is one of those situations where you just have to stick to your guns, and ride out the tantrums.

I suspect you know this and are just looking for moral support.

skyeisthelimit · 30/10/2025 12:35

You don't have to spend your money, you tell her its her money or no costume. Take her round the charity shops and show her how far her money can go if she is careful with it. You then put the rest of the money into her savings account and show her where it is.

Tell her she stays in her room until she stops screaming. Tell her if she doesn't stop then no party/ToT.

AliceMaforethought · 30/10/2025 12:41

MaplePumpkin · 30/10/2025 10:42

All half term I’ve taken her shopping but she wants to use my money rather than her money that’s sitting under pillow.

I bet she does! Have you explained the concept of money to her and how it works? When she “wants to use your money” do you let her, and just pay for things?’

Depends on whether the things should be coming out of the household budget or not. If they are needs like clothes, then she shouldn't have to spend gift money on them, and I would count costumes as that. Toys, not so much.

baffledpuzzledandconfused · 30/10/2025 12:49

theressomanytinafeysicouldbe · 30/10/2025 09:40

Set her up a Childrens Monzo account put it in there, does she have a phone or a tablet where you could download the app then she can physically see the money?

Or a gohenry account but you have to pay a monthly fee for that

Failing that, get her a little lock box with a key, like a little cashiers box, you can get them for a few quid

Came on here to say this. I put pocket money in once a week plus any birthday money. It’s linked to my Apple Pay so he can spend it any time. It’s usually on Roblox though but he’s not wasting my cash it’s his own.
I had a Monzo account first for keeping spending separate from bills, which is really helpful if you are struggling

babyproblems · 30/10/2025 12:57

You’re the adult; she’s nine and doesn’t understand the concept of money clearly.
ask MIL to pay into her bank account to stop this nonsense. You need to do some sort of pocket money scheme to teach her the value of money and how to save and spend x

SemperIdem · 30/10/2025 12:58

Cookies31 · 30/10/2025 09:37

Omg! I thought mumsnet would give me some creative ways rather than just “be a parent”. I’ve taken it off her btw. There’s still screaming happening as I’m writing this but thank you for stating the obvious.

If it is so obvious, just do it.

Overthewaytwice · 30/10/2025 13:05

Cookies31 · 30/10/2025 09:37

Omg! I thought mumsnet would give me some creative ways rather than just “be a parent”. I’ve taken it off her btw. There’s still screaming happening as I’m writing this but thank you for stating the obvious.

She's probably still screaming because she's used to you giving in and letting her keep money under her pillow. Ignore the tantrum and be consistent, after a while she'll learn that money needs to be kept safe.

BMW6 · 30/10/2025 13:06

Often being a parent means saying NO. Explain your reasons of course but at the end of the day your word is law.

Cosyblankets · 30/10/2025 13:09

Cookies31 · 30/10/2025 09:37

Omg! I thought mumsnet would give me some creative ways rather than just “be a parent”. I’ve taken it off her btw. There’s still screaming happening as I’m writing this but thank you for stating the obvious.

If she wants a costume and you can't afford it then she uses her own money or she doesn't have one. She can tantrum as much as she likes. It doesn't make you any richer.

andthat · 30/10/2025 13:09

Cookies31 · 30/10/2025 09:37

Omg! I thought mumsnet would give me some creative ways rather than just “be a parent”. I’ve taken it off her btw. There’s still screaming happening as I’m writing this but thank you for stating the obvious.

I won’t add to the clamour of ‘parent better’… @Cookies31 , it’s been said enough times. (though seriously… you’d get into debt to avoid her spending her money?!)

I will add… sometimes behaviour like this indicates a worry around financial security. Is your DD worried about your financial situation and what this means for her?

SamVan · 30/10/2025 13:10

She's 9 - do what is best for her not what she wants. I am from a culture where I collected money instead of gifts for christmas/new year and my mum never let me have it. She would put it in a savings account for me.

froggybiby · 30/10/2025 13:11

Cookies31 · 30/10/2025 09:37

Omg! I thought mumsnet would give me some creative ways rather than just “be a parent”. I’ve taken it off her btw. There’s still screaming happening as I’m writing this but thank you for stating the obvious.

Well done on getting it off her. We can't let kids rule what we buy...and as for creativity, no way would I use an overdraft for a Halloween custom...have fun by creating one out of old clothes. Children need to learn the value of money. As it goes, it will only get worse.

GAJLY · 30/10/2025 13:12

You can put it on a revolute card and keep that card safe in your wallet, ir bank most of it. I have a similar issue with my children because their grandad gives them £20 each. They were keeping it in drawers and on their desks. Which isn't safe considering how many friends come to play. So I just went round collecting all the £20s and put most of it in their bank accounts. Some were kept in seperate purses in my bedroom, for them to access any time to buy things. When they get more, I bank it periodically for them. It's building up nicely for them. If she wants something you wouldn't normally buy, I'd use her money.

Snorlaxo · 30/10/2025 13:12

There’s no easy solution OP-some kids are stubborn and she’s heading towards a phase of her life where everything you say is wrong (puberty) She tantrums because she has learned that’s how you get your way. Don’t give in.

If it’s in her account and there’s a way to get her a statement, give her a copy so she knows that her £120 is safe

I don’t understand why you’re paying for the costume. She can wear something she has or use her own money- the choice is hers. By giving into her, you are setting yourself up for really difficult teen years because she will refuse to pay for say going out and tantrum until you give her money. You are the parent and a Halloween costume is a nice to have, not a necessity like shoes with no holes.

Mullaghanish · 30/10/2025 13:14

Get MIL to put it into a REVOLUT account for her.. then she can spend half save had off the account on your phone..

Genevieva · 30/10/2025 13:15

Take her to the bank with her money to set up a children’s bank account.

Horses7 · 30/10/2025 13:20

Your daughter needs some life lessons ..and while you’re at it tell her not to scream at you!!!

Horses7 · 30/10/2025 13:21

Mullaghanish · 30/10/2025 13:14

Get MIL to put it into a REVOLUT account for her.. then she can spend half save had off the account on your phone..

Edited

Good idea ….and put a lid on the screaming!!

TheDenimPoet · 30/10/2025 13:27

She's 9. You tell her that anything over a certain amount (£10 is surely enough to keep on her at 9) goes in her savings account. You could then perhaps set her up with a GoHenry so she can spend some of it on suitable things.

She does not get to decide these things yet. YOU need to be the parent and teach her the best way to handle her money. You don't ask her, you tell her.

FreebieWallopFridge · 30/10/2025 13:27

The only problem here is you not parenting her.

She’s 9. Tell her she is not having £120 under her pillow, put it in her bank account, and let her tantrum.

Maray1967 · 30/10/2025 13:29

Cookies31 · 30/10/2025 09:37

Omg! I thought mumsnet would give me some creative ways rather than just “be a parent”. I’ve taken it off her btw. There’s still screaming happening as I’m writing this but thank you for stating the obvious.

You don’t need creative ways, you need discipline. This child is in charge by the look of it because you’re always trying to avoid the screaming. Let her scream. Every time. It will reduce and eventually stop when she learns that screaming is exhausting and unsuccessful. Never give in.

Why would you even consider going into overdraft to buy a Halloween costume when she has some money that she can spend? Give her £30 to spend on the costume etc and put the rest in the bank.

Brefugee · 30/10/2025 13:30

have not RTFT: grow up and act like a parent. Move the money to somewhere safe.

You don't have to spend money on her if it is something she should be buying from birthday money. Don't let that happen again.

And put a stop to the tantrumming generally. You are doing nobody any favours by not parenting this child.

PruthePrune · 30/10/2025 13:36

Stop being ruled by a 9 year old and be a parent.

cannynotsay · 30/10/2025 13:37

You do realise you’re her mum right and you have control over this

Dramatic · 30/10/2025 13:41

When you say she's "still screaming" I'm imagining a toddler rolling around the floor screaming bloody murder, if this is the case then you really have created a monster