MIL, DD and Money

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MIL gives DD Money for birthdays and other celebrations usually a small amount which DD spends all on sweets and mostly just loses it. She keeps under her pillow and doesn’t let me move it, once or twice it’s gone missing when cousins are around! She goes hysterical when I try to move it so I just leave it. This year MIL has given her birthday money and Xmas money together and it’s a ridiculous amount - £120!!! DD has had it for 2 weeks and no intention of spending just wants to keep under pillow again. I’ve suggested we put into her savings account but she started screaming and me telling me she knows what she wants to go with it. All half term I’ve taken her shopping but she wants to use my money rather than her money that’s sitting under pillow. We’re not exactly rich and £120 is a lot we could do but I’m letting her decide what to do . Tomorrow is Halloween and friends and family are coming over , I’ve asked her to move to a safer place rather than under pillow but she’s having a tantrum again, I don’t know what to do, she could spend it on things she really needs or put in the bank to keep safe but she’s not listening, we’re going Halloween shopping now and she’s not going to use her money on a costume so I’ll have to fork out even though I’m overdrawn. If she puts in the bank we know it’s safe and she can spend on things that she really wants at a later time. She’s 9 years old.she has a savings account with about £5 in at the moment.

Why doesn’t she trust? Do you confiscate other things of hers as a penalty? Is money really scarce? Does she get pocket money? Does she understand bank accounts and debit cards?

Anyway MIL needs to pay the money in a safe way if dd won’t engage -

set up for example - Hyperjar for her and she will get a debit card (it’s free I think) and have MIL pay the money directly to that, if she does not get pocket money pay her some every week through Hyperjar even if it’s just a pound

explain that you will buy her things she needs but things she wants she can buy with her Hyperjar card using own money/card

until she has her own phone show her the app weekly or as often as she wants and explain the values and how they increase and how her spending comes out

Agree that any cash she receives she is responsible for or she brings to you and you transfer that value into her jar immediately. If she won’t and it goes missing then that is the risk she is taking - direct consequences.

This.

Maybe show her an online clip of how dirty money is - not something anyone wants under their pillow!

Stealing by cousins is really, really grim. I'd leave a note for them under her pillow telling them so!

She's 9. She's 'refusing' to use her money and insisting you spend yours? You are the parent - don't be dictated to.

OP, can you speak to your MIL and tell her there’s a bit of a problem around money in that DD wants to keep it under her pillow and there have been problems when it’s gone missing before? I wouldn’t dream of giving my DGC money (other than for immediate expenditure) - I’d give it to the parent to put in their savings account/spend on swimming lessons/whatever.

Totally agree!

Nail on the head.

Um parent? You're on the way to raising a spoilt brat if you don't act now 🙄

You are the parent. She is the child. You understand concepts she doesn’t. So you remove the money. Put it somewhere safe or deposit it for her in an account. You allow the tantrum and ignore it. You speak to MIL and come to an agreement about maximum amount to be handed over eg £5 and the rest goes quietly into a savings account.
that’s being a parent

It’s pretty simple really - take the money and put it into an account or a safety box. Let her have a tantrum

Wrote a long reply and it got deleted agh
when my daughter tantrums like this (she’s a bit younger) it’s usually over some bigger root cause. Why does she want to hold onto the money so much and be able to check it’s still there..I would try sit down with her and have a chat if there’s a root cause to this. Are the family finances tight and is she aware of this and is worried you will need the money to pay bills? Is money discussed openly in stressful situations? Perhaps she wants to save it to buy the family secret Xmas presents or her friends a little present as a surprise. Whatever’s going on here I would try to see if she’ll open up about it

It sounds like "the obvious" needed stating. A 9 year old that throws tantrums and screams at you until she gets her own way? There's no creativity needed. Put your foot down and leave it there.

I’d let her keep small amounts of money under her pillow in a purse, but you obviously need to explain that bigger amounts need to be kept more safely. She’s also old enough to understand the basic principle of interest from a bank so explain it to her.

You should be buying a Halloween costume for her though and providing things for her in half term. Maybe she knows money is tight and is worrying you will spend it. Does she get so attached to other things other than money?

I agree. and with @LookSoPerfect s post
You are the mum. I don't blame you at all. Parenting is difficult and this has slowly developed and is now a problem. Its hard dealing with screaming and I really do sympathise.

But this is what is now happening.
You ask her not to keep her money under the pillow
She has a tantrum and so you allow it.
She wants things when money is tight and should use her money - yet you are agreeing to purchase it, what you can't afford
Because she has a tantrum.

A tantrum, as I think you've described this, is different to genuinely being upset, or scared..so you need to make sure its not that by talking when things are calm. But this kind of tantrum sounds like its a statement of will. "I will do what I want and if you don't let me I will scream and scream until I'm sick."

As Garlic bread said. If she has a tantrum about this after you've talked to her.
Let her,. and again and again

And stay firm. It won't be easy, but wavering doesnt work. You've still got to show her that you love her but that this behaviour won't get her anywhere now that she's getting older and that it is not a fair way to treat you. Ask her if she'd like you to scream and shout every time she asked you to do something - like buying something in a shop. Ask her (not in an angry way, or with "tone" but in a very fact of the matter, curious sort of way, what she would do if you did that. Try and make it a bit ridiculous or funny without mocking her. Even find some funny tik toks of adults tantrumming or toddlers. Something you can both laugh at or talk about. Without saying "That's you that is. "
Or if you put the food money in the fridge where cousins could steal it...I'm sure you can think of better examples but I think asking her to come up with solutions helps make her think about whether things will work or not..and gets you into conversations rather than show downs.

Forgive me if I am wrong, but it does sound like you are a little bit scared of situations where she will kick off and go apeshit. And you tread carefully to avoid it. I think you need more expert advice if you feel this might be the case.

In my experience, I'm not saying its the only way, only what I've observed over the years, but the more success she has at this method, the more she will employ it for other things and it will start turning into a real problem.
She may use this method (creating a standoff by outright angry refusal) in other ways of doing it as she gets older... not speaking, refusing meals etc..refusing to dress for certain occasions etc. so I think its good that this has come to a head for you now, so that you can nip it all in the bud by showing her that talking about when things are calm and accepting that its OK to discuss and consider the various practical methods of dealing with the problem.

In practical terms.. there are loads of children's card/app/digital accounts out there. I've heard of Henry. but most banks have them. She gets her own grown up card. A small lock box with combination lock. to keep it in, under the bed with any loose change,. And as @GlosGirl82 said, print out the statements for her.

Get her a little purse and ask how much she thinks a Halloween costume will cost and put the amount in her purse before you shop and say that means you can choose what to get. Tell her she needs to bring it just in case you don't have enough money on your card, but she can earn it back by doing things to help at home. And you will donate £5 or whatever to her savings fund if she does this. Would it be useful to set up a pocket money system, with a notebook?
Hopefully you can get over this blip. I'm sure you can think of better examples. I think you asked for help and you clearly want to solve the problem, so you are doing your best and that is a great starting point

Could you ask your MIL to pay direct into the bank account or via cheque? If those are still possible in the modern banking world. Just avoids the issue in the first place.

I do think you need to speak to your daughter as well about responsibility. It’s not ok to lose money when she’s been offered a solution. She’s old enough at 9 to learn this.

My DC can buy whatever they like within reason, but it's using their money. It's amazing what they decide NOT to buy when they are the ones buying it!

Is she worried about losing it, hence keeping it under her pillow? Try to understand where she is coming from.

Btw I have a 9yo that screams and tantrums too. They are just very emotional, sensitive, a "crier" and have been done they were born. But their tantrums do not get them their own way.

My granddaughter has finally learned, age 7, that is she shops around age can make her money go further. She loves telling me how much she has saved by doing this 😂. Halloween - look in charity shops or make your own. Tell her you can't afford new unless she pays from her money.
As for money under the pillow., which has gone missing in the past. Definitely not. Did she understand that when it went missing someone visiting had taken it? What did she say about that? Ask her how she will feel if £120 goes missing. Then tell her that you will take charge and put it away for her. Just do it

When my daughters were in primary school, each of their classes had several such children.

Bratty, demanding, petulant, prone to tantrums and speaking disrespectfully to their lovely, weak, ineffectual parents.

My daughters had playdates very occasionally at their house and one of my daughter's actually used to correct her friend and tell her not to speak to her mum like that🙄. Aged 8/9 too.

I took careful notes of such children and steered mine firmly away.
We were usually unavailable.
All very spoiled MC families with over indulged children.

From a distance I heard they had very very difficult teenage years with lots of friendship issues, big dramas, fall outs and school moves.

IMO all because they were failed in the parenting department.

Children will give you as much drama as you will tolerate. Boundaries are critical for them, their growth and emotional security.

Why are you being such a wet lettuce? She's 9. You're the parent. You're in charge. Jesus Christ....

I’m surprised you’re posting on MN about this. Surely, you say no money under your pillow - it goes into a bank account or piggy bank (looked after by me) so it can’t be frittered.
A 9yo child probably can’t grasp how much money this is and your job as a parent is to ensure they are looked after including with any finances they have.

If by ‘creative’ you mean ‘ways to get her to understand that’s a mad thing to do with her money and that she needs to put it somewhere safe without her getting upset and having a tantrum’ I think you’re not being realistic.

The fact that she is 9 and still having tantrums about such a simple, logical thing indicates that she has been having things her own way for a long time. If you’re going to change things before she hits the teen years you’re going to have to act quickly and firmly. She needs consistent reinforcement of reasonable boundaries and to be taught that tantrums get you absolutely nowhere. Don’t respond to tantrums and when she is calm, explain what is going to happen. Also explain that tantrums won’t get her anywhere in the future and than stick to it. It will be hard whilst you establish the new norm but it will be better for everyone.

If you don't put your foot down now imagine what life will be like in a few years. Your update is snipey, but you hadn't done what was blindingly obvious to anyone who has ever parented a nine year old. We all know DC that were allowed to tantrum way past being a toddler and invariably it doesn't end well.
It's not just about ways to keep the money safe. You have the opportunity to show who is in charge, teach about saving, banking (does she have a card that she knows she can spend with?) and so many other life skills. This is a great opportunity to reset.

screaming is for pain, if she is in pain then doctors or hospital - otherwise up to her bedroom and stay there until the screaming stops

does she normally scream to get her own way? and does it work?

f so stop letting screaming work to get her own way - at 9 year old it may take a while, but untimely don't rise to her bad behaviour to get what she wants, don't discuss it either or get into an argument. Best thing is to say no not talking about it until tomorrow, and then it will be to reiterate the answer is no and why.

no not talking about it until tomorrow, and then it will be to reiterate the answer is no and why.
no not talking about it until tomorrow, and then it will be to reiterate the answer is no and why.
no not talking about it until tomorrow, and then it will be to reiterate the answer is no and why.no not talking about it until tomorrow, and then it will be to reiterate the answer is no and why.no not talking about it until tomorrow, and then it will be to reiterate the answer is no and why.no not talking about it until tomorrow, and then it will be to reiterate the answer is no and why.

broken record works, keep it on repeat

this. Jesus christ OP, you're in charge not your 9 year old

Tell her its getting moved or put in bank at 9 and having a tantrum over that god help you when she's older or leave it and it goes missing thats her fault

My DS is 8 and I would not allow him to do this. Any small cash he gets given he can spend on things that he wants, usually small toys. He has recently started to save for bigger things so gives the money to us and we keep a spreadsheet and order the things for him when he has enough. If she wants a Halloween costume she will need to buy it. I would explain that at home to get the tantrum out of the way.

If someone gave my DS £120 then he would be putting some in his savings account which he does not have access to and he could have some. We would discuss what a reasonable split is. Your DD is behaving how I would expect my 3 year old to behave.