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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL, DD and Money

272 replies

Cookies31 · 30/10/2025 09:19

MIL gives DD Money for birthdays and other celebrations usually a small amount which DD spends all on sweets and mostly just loses it. She keeps under her pillow and doesn’t let me move it, once or twice it’s gone missing when cousins are around! She goes hysterical when I try to move it so I just leave it. This year MIL has given her birthday money and Xmas money together and it’s a ridiculous amount - £120!!! DD has had it for 2 weeks and no intention of spending just wants to keep under pillow again. I’ve suggested we put into her savings account but she started screaming and me telling me she knows what she wants to go with it. All half term I’ve taken her shopping but she wants to use my money rather than her money that’s sitting under pillow. We’re not exactly rich and £120 is a lot we could do but I’m letting her decide what to do . Tomorrow is Halloween and friends and family are coming over , I’ve asked her to move to a safer place rather than under pillow but she’s having a tantrum again, I don’t know what to do, she could spend it on things she really needs or put in the bank to keep safe but she’s not listening, we’re going Halloween shopping now and she’s not going to use her money on a costume so I’ll have to fork out even though I’m overdrawn. If she puts in the bank we know it’s safe and she can spend on things that she really wants at a later time. She’s 9 years old.she has a savings account with about £5 in at the moment.

OP posts:
Wreckinball · 30/10/2025 11:05

OP no need to be creative- keep it simple and factual, that way she’ll learn clearly

Endofyear · 30/10/2025 11:07

Why are you letting a stroppy 9 year old control you? Just take the money, put it somewhere safe and ignore the tantrums!

Greysofa · 30/10/2025 11:07

This isn’t on your MIL, this is on your parenting

Boymummy2015 · 30/10/2025 11:07

I'd be taking that money off her and explaining that we need to keep our money safe. I still have my DS's birthday money in my purse from September. They know it's there and it's separate from my money if they want to use if for something they can but I don't let them waste it on rubbish either. Set a boundary and she will have to learn.

sansou · 30/10/2025 11:08

Mine are young adults now but they never expected to have their hands on any of their birthday/xmas cash gifts until well into their teens! It was handed over to me or DH and we paid it into their what was then CTFs and then later JISAs. My parents used to gift £50/£100 cash alongside a present back in the day. I don't think eldest DC challenged what we did until they were mid teens!

NoSoapJustUseShowerGel · 30/10/2025 11:10

Cookies31 · 30/10/2025 09:37

Omg! I thought mumsnet would give me some creative ways rather than just “be a parent”. I’ve taken it off her btw. There’s still screaming happening as I’m writing this but thank you for stating the obvious.

“She goes hysterical when I try to move it so I just leave it”

“she’s not going to use her money on a costume so I’ll have to fork out even though I’m overdrawn”

The reason people are telling you to be the parent is because you NOT being the parent is the cause of the problem you have posted about.

Ignoring the screaming, explaining why she can’t keep money under her pillow and insisting it goes into the bank to keep it safe and earn interest is being the parent. Letting her get her own way because she screams is not being the parent.

When she says she won’t spend her own money (on things she doesn’t need, just things she wants) you tell her that you can’t afford it and if she wants something, she’ll need to buy it herself or she can’t have it - that’s being the parent.

mumonthehill · 30/10/2025 11:10

She gets say £20 to keep under her pillow at her own risk the rest goes in the bank, no arguments.

Noshadelamp · 30/10/2025 11:12

Cookies31 · 30/10/2025 09:37

Omg! I thought mumsnet would give me some creative ways rather than just “be a parent”. I’ve taken it off her btw. There’s still screaming happening as I’m writing this but thank you for stating the obvious.

Sometimes we can get so caught up in trying to keep the peace that we don't realise that all our little adaptations and creative thinking has become ridiculous.

It's ok if she has a tantrum, sometimes saying no to a child is the best thing we can do.

Widower2014 · 30/10/2025 11:13

Leave an envelope under her pillow.
In the envelope an IOU which simply says money is safe. When you want to spend it all you have to do is ask
As for her wanting to spend your money rather than hers, my kids (15&13) are the same. It is amazing how.many times my daughter accidentally forgets her bank card and then ends up disappointed because I'm not paying when I know she has her own money

AnotherNameChange1234567 · 30/10/2025 11:14

Cookies31 · 30/10/2025 09:37

Omg! I thought mumsnet would give me some creative ways rather than just “be a parent”. I’ve taken it off her btw. There’s still screaming happening as I’m writing this but thank you for stating the obvious.

The “be a parent” advice was given because that’s what is needed. “Creative” ways are just you trying to tiptoe around the issue without actually doing what is required to solve the problem of her thinking she’s in charge long-term.

MrsPrendergast · 30/10/2025 11:15

AnotherNameChange1234567 · 30/10/2025 11:14

The “be a parent” advice was given because that’s what is needed. “Creative” ways are just you trying to tiptoe around the issue without actually doing what is required to solve the problem of her thinking she’s in charge long-term.

Show quote history

Perfect answer ^

Sockdays · 30/10/2025 11:17

Cancel tomorrow.
Absolutely not normal for behaviour like this beyond 3, at the latest.
She screams because it works.
God help you during the teenage years if you don't ruthlessly take her in hand.

nomas · 30/10/2025 11:17

Put some of your own money on a child card for her (Rooster or similar) and let her get used to buying things with her own card.

Once she's used to that, she will want to have her own money on her own card.

Nonameagain31 · 30/10/2025 11:18

Creative ways? Like what OP? She sounds a lot like my ex DD. At 12 she is finding life really hard as she’s never really had boundaries, been told no etc. it’s a real shame cos she is a lovely girl too.

You are allowing your DD to rule the roost. As a parent somethings are non negotiable and keeping money gifted (with love) safe is one of them. And you have to step in and lay it down. There are other things (going to school, taking medicine etc) are others.

For this particular issue, I would maybe consider letting her keep £10 for under her pillow and explain the consequence (it goes missing). If it goes missing this is the natural consequence. I would set up Dd a bank account (DS has rooster when he was this age) and then she knows where the money is, can look at it on-line. The real test of whether they want something is if they will pay for it themselves… And if they won’t I won’t personally get it.

tryingtobesogood · 30/10/2025 11:18

Cookies31 · 30/10/2025 09:37

Omg! I thought mumsnet would give me some creative ways rather than just “be a parent”. I’ve taken it off her btw. There’s still screaming happening as I’m writing this but thank you for stating the obvious.

trouble is, it was obvious. There aren't any creative ways to deal with. She needed to hear no, and you need to deal with the tantrum

Tiffanycat · 30/10/2025 11:18

Buy her a lockable saving bank .you get great kids ones with keys or swipe cards or combinations that way she knows where she put it and feels grown up and in control . Also I wouldnt be letting a 9 year old dictate to me you'll have future problems if you don't nip it in bud now .

CocoRats · 30/10/2025 11:20

Creative suggestion-
Ask MIL to put money into an account for DD. Go Henry or whatever it is where dd gets a card.

Get dd to think of something that she would like to save her money for, make some nice charts to show her how close she is to reaching her goal.

Set her a good example. Don’t spend what you don’t have. Make goals and spend carefully.

Topseyt123 · 30/10/2025 11:21

Cookies31 · 30/10/2025 09:37

Omg! I thought mumsnet would give me some creative ways rather than just “be a parent”. I’ve taken it off her btw. There’s still screaming happening as I’m writing this but thank you for stating the obvious.

You don't need "creativity," only to stand firm now. She can tantrum and scream all she wishes and you don't give in. This is how most of us dealt with this shit when our children were young.

The money goes safely into her savings account, with perhaps £20 or whatever you deem reasonable kept back for her to buy a Halloween costume and bits and bobs (within reason).

You have taken the money away from her and that is good. It's what you needed to do. Now sort it out at the bank with a little kept back for small spends. She's only acting up now because she is used to you letting her dictate rather than you being in control as the parent. This is where you stick to your guns. Let her rage even if she goes on for ages. She'll subside eventually and you still hold firm. A boundary will then have been set. If she continues being unbearable today for too much longer then she gets no costume anyway and doesn't participate in Halloween.

MoominMai · 30/10/2025 11:21

AphroditesSeashell · 30/10/2025 09:22

She's 9. You take the money off her and you put it somewhere safe. If she tantrums, you tell her that she's clearly far too immature to have such a large amount of money and you'll only return it to her when she has calmed down.

Be a parent and set some boundaries fgs

Totally agree!

It's so stressful reading these types of threads. There’s such an obvious response to this. If DC is unchallenged and behaviour not corrected at this tender age over such an innocuous thing then how on earth will OP manage her behaviour when she’s physically older and wanting to do increasingly unreasonable things which could potentially be more harmful to her?!

hattie43 · 30/10/2025 11:22

Are you the mother here . Just checking . You need to tell your daughter clearly and kindly what’s going to happen .

SeaToSki · 30/10/2025 11:23

AphroditesSeashell · 30/10/2025 09:22

She's 9. You take the money off her and you put it somewhere safe. If she tantrums, you tell her that she's clearly far too immature to have such a large amount of money and you'll only return it to her when she has calmed down.

Be a parent and set some boundaries fgs

This

EmeraldShamrock000 · 30/10/2025 11:24

The lesson should have started earlier, all is not lost, firstly speak to MIL about the amount, £10 is enough she can give you the rest to save, I'd take the money from her, give her a piece of paper with columns starting balance 120, she can manage the money on paper and deduct what she spends.

Gemstar84 · 30/10/2025 11:27

Just remind her how many times she has lost it and ask questions like where do you think it is going? Does she suspect someone is taking it? Also you or your partner could ask that money gets put straight into her bank maybe take it without her knowing then give back after your family and friends have gone or put it in her bank as they must take it without her knowing then when she notices it's gone you can say I popped it in your bank so you still have it no harm done p.s don't let her rule your house I have a 19 year old DD that did exactly that and now regrets it she ended up in supported housing as she got way out of control and her tantrums got worse as she grew she was attacking us all smashing our home up taking money and my bank card leaving me with no money that police and social services had to remove her because of her attacking her younger Brother's/my younger Sons she now regrets it all

Sassylovesbooks · 30/10/2025 11:28

You need to explain to your daughter, that in order to keep her money safe, it can't stay under her pillow. Tell her money has gone missing before when visitors have come and she's also mislaid the money. Therefore, those things show you, that it's safer for the money to be in her bank account. Can you take her to the bank and show her that the money has gone into her account? Does she understand the concept of what a bank account is/how it works?! Could she think you're taking the money? Teach her how to save. So if she receives money from your MIL, she saves at least half, spends some. Unless there's a backstory here, a 9 year old shouldn't be having tantrums, she's old enough to understand a conversation. However, if she throws a wobbler, and you give in, then she's learning that a tantrum allows her to have her own way. If it were me, I would be taking the money away from her, putting a proportion in her bank account, and ignoring the tantrum. In my mind, she doesn't understand the value of money, and again that needs to be taught. I'd also be asking my MIL to bank transfer any future large amounts directly to your daughter's account.

Mapletree1985 · 30/10/2025 11:29

Cookies31 · 30/10/2025 09:19

MIL gives DD Money for birthdays and other celebrations usually a small amount which DD spends all on sweets and mostly just loses it. She keeps under her pillow and doesn’t let me move it, once or twice it’s gone missing when cousins are around! She goes hysterical when I try to move it so I just leave it. This year MIL has given her birthday money and Xmas money together and it’s a ridiculous amount - £120!!! DD has had it for 2 weeks and no intention of spending just wants to keep under pillow again. I’ve suggested we put into her savings account but she started screaming and me telling me she knows what she wants to go with it. All half term I’ve taken her shopping but she wants to use my money rather than her money that’s sitting under pillow. We’re not exactly rich and £120 is a lot we could do but I’m letting her decide what to do . Tomorrow is Halloween and friends and family are coming over , I’ve asked her to move to a safer place rather than under pillow but she’s having a tantrum again, I don’t know what to do, she could spend it on things she really needs or put in the bank to keep safe but she’s not listening, we’re going Halloween shopping now and she’s not going to use her money on a costume so I’ll have to fork out even though I’m overdrawn. If she puts in the bank we know it’s safe and she can spend on things that she really wants at a later time. She’s 9 years old.she has a savings account with about £5 in at the moment.

Your daughter really knows how to control you, doesn't she?