..to have lost my shit at ds14

[Brendathebear]

Can I just say that I am usually a calm parent who just generally can talk through issues with the children. I think it was years ago that I last lost my temper.

Ds14 - I have to nag him every day to brush his teeth/wash. I was away at the weekend and I came home last night. Ds has not washed since Saturday... I asked him to make sure he showered today and when I came home from work - he still hadn't!

I reminded him to make sure he showered before dinner but he told me to stop making a deal out of it and he would do it afterwards, he refused to go to wash beforehand.

The weight of 14 years of daily reminders of "dont forget to brush your teeth" and cajoling him into the shower every other day - came crashing down and I lost it.

I feel terrible. I even had to have glass of wine to calm myself down. Do all teenage boys not wash and i should have managed this better?

I do agree that people don’t have to fully shower every day - but this DS seems to have left it about four days - probably is a bit long especially for a teen!

honestly, grovelling and gaining back his trust. FGS!

I know. It's embarrassing how low parents go isn't it. I haven't deeply read all the OP's posts - did she say this or was it another poster who said about gaining back his trust?

Either way - 😂😂😂

letting the tail wag the dog never works

Is there any reason for it?

With DS it was often issues round organisation - so routine and visual prompts for years before age 14 all sort of helped - girls it was often sensory issues.

He actually got better by 14 - it's DD2 who got worse and now few years later bit better.

It will do your DS good to see you angry.
Maybe it will make him realise that he needs to step up and actually sort his own life out rather than being nagged all the time.
You have done his future partner/spouse a favour.
Ignore all the posters telling you off for shouting.

I periodically threaten those tablets that show up plaque.....

DH needs to do some parenting.

The thing is, teenage boys stink. There is nothing worse than the heady mix of extra strong puberty sweat and Lynx. They need a daily shower. I have to disinfect my son’s clothes in the wash. It’s grim.

I did that. He loved his pink teeth 🥴

not really sure how you’ve arrived that other than trying to put the blame on the man

in OP post she states he does

Mine weren’t like this but I am very vocal if they haven’t showered/have bad breath eg - urgh your breath stinks, it’s disgusting! Ewww you smell etc. I also point out that if I can smell it other people can too and it’s not nice being around someone like that!

Teenage boys do stink more quickly though ( 3 briothers and a son)

And why should the rest of the family put up with the smell.

If it was an adult hou wouldn't need to shout as just turf them out of the house - which you can't do with your teens.

BTW how many teens have reduced adults to tears. My dd did on more than one occasion

Ok, an update.

He asked me to turn the WiFi on this morning and I say "yes, Ill do it", I didnt do it just said I would. He had to repeat this process 4 times. I then sat and explained that this is what I do every morning and evening and how annoying it is for him, just for the once off - whereas ive been doing it every day for years!

We had another chat about how important washing and teeth brushing is and I said I will no longer remind him but if he doesn't do it I'll just switch the WiFi off for ages and keep forgetting to turn it back on.

He has brushed his teeth this morning without prompting!

I think the WiFi will be a great tool to make him remember and have consequence.

Dh is also as exasperated as I am, he is planning another man to man discussion with him tonight about it.

Just gently OP, I could be a bit like this at that age. I found my changing body quite gross and overwhelming. I would brush my teeth but kept my eyes closed so that I didn't have to look in the mirror because I hated looking at myself.
I grew out of it, but I definitely skipped several showers and things while I was working through it. My mum didn't really notice (I was the eldest and she had her hands full) but what I would have found useful would have been being able to brush my teeth in the kitchen (no mirror) and maybe being encouraged to do sort of daily strip washes (flannel for key areas) every day and a full shower/bath at least twice a week. Not perfect and not enough really, but it might have helped nudge me through the mortification of it all a bit quicker.
Sending love to you and your son OP ❤️

Me too, Im embarrassed to say. I was very overweight as a teen and just hated my body. Bathing and showering meant I had to see my body so it was easier to avoid it. I cringe now to think of it .

OP, could it be something like this? I dont mean is he overweight but maybe he has some hang ups about his appearance ?

This sounds very good to me.

So you’ve been a me to take control without losing your shit - which let’s face it is also unpleasant for you!

Could you buy him some nice toiletries that might encourage him? Definitely get bar soap as that is far better on teenage sweat than shower gel. Hopefully he’s got the message!

I'm always usually in the camp of be nice to your kids cus they didn't ask to be born, however I don't blame you for this OP. The lad needs to wash.

I do think using WiFi to bribe him to do it isn't a great idea though - he needs to learn that he needs to wash for the sake of washing and not stinking. It's bad for his health too, not just everyone else's noses.

Hopefully the chat with your DH will help.

Losing your shit rarely is better than losing your shit often, it's a stronger tool as he knows how wound up you were about it.

His future partners will thank you for it.

And no, not unreasonable to lose your shit at a dirty 14yo boy who's lied to you about his personal hygiene.

@Agix It’s a great idea if it gets the message across. He’s no right to instant wi fi. It’s a suitable reminder that coexisting pleasantly is not one sided. He’s had to keep asking for something he wants and ok, not directly linked to hygiene, but a timely reminder of who is in charge! Definitely get DH more engaged!

She has already said she has done this

I seem to recall student dd, sharing a house with 1 other girl and 5 x 20ish blokes, saying that ALL the blokes were stinky soap dodgers. 🤢

@Brendathebearthe issue with your arrangement is that ds is now brushing his teeth in order to have access to the wifi.
What happens if he doesn’t need the wifi? Maybe he has phone data or is going out. Will he then revert back to not brushing his teeth?
He needs to learn personal
accountability and understand that he needs to brush his teeth in order to have clean healthy teeth and breath and that is his main reason.

Bless you
Please don't be hard on yourself
You're only human & this being the only time you lost your temper, sounds like you're doing immensely well
🤗
Much Love To You&Yours
Oh yes, most surely I believe it's common for teens to not really wish to wash, especially now the weather's turned cold too🙏

It's not 'horrible', it's a teenager being a teenager in a pretty normal developmental phase of self-centredness/ ignoring parents/ etc.

I think you’ve handled the whole thing brilliantly. You’ve proven that when it’s things that don’t really matter too much you choose a gentle approach but when it’s something important like his health and hygiene, as well as respect for others (you having to keep on asking him over and over) then that changes things.
that he got upset about it is also good in my opinion as it shows that he does actually care that he’s made you so angry and upset when you’re only acting in his best interests.
I think you deserve as many wines as you want and I also think the demonstration of the shoe being on the other foot with the WiFi is another excellent patenting example! You should be proud of yourself! 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻