..to have lost my shit at ds14

[Brendathebear]

Can I just say that I am usually a calm parent who just generally can talk through issues with the children. I think it was years ago that I last lost my temper.

Ds14 - I have to nag him every day to brush his teeth/wash. I was away at the weekend and I came home last night. Ds has not washed since Saturday... I asked him to make sure he showered today and when I came home from work - he still hadn't!

I reminded him to make sure he showered before dinner but he told me to stop making a deal out of it and he would do it afterwards, he refused to go to wash beforehand.

The weight of 14 years of daily reminders of "dont forget to brush your teeth" and cajoling him into the shower every other day - came crashing down and I lost it.

I feel terrible. I even had to have glass of wine to calm myself down. Do all teenage boys not wash and i should have managed this better?

If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got. Nagging was pointless because it didn't work. Maybe losing your shit will have! But if not - have you tried sanctions, consistently enforced? So not showering or tooth brushing has measurable consequences?

It's not just boys. My daughters were also soap dodgers when younger. They have grown up to be fragrant, hygienic women.

OP, I don’t know why you feel guilty. You made him cry? So what?

He's deliberately disobeyed both parents about something fundamental to his life. Nope, you did him a favour by going a tiny bit nuclear.

Stop feeling guilty and use this episode to get your son to start looking after himself better.

I’d sit him down now and ask why he repeatedly refuses to do this most basic of tasks. Do not apologise for him crying but ask why it took you shouting at him to make him respond.

Hopefully things have begun to fall into place and he can get into a good routine with showering now.

I’ve lost my shit and my DD has ended up crying but likewise it’s a similar scenario where the endless reminders fall on deaf ears.

We are parents , not saints and provided you aren’t doing it daily…..

@Brendathebear Do his dad hasn’t got to grips with this either? Why? What’s his tipping point?

My almost 14yo ds has to be encouraged a bit. We are both very blunt. Have a shower you stink. No words minced here..
Op I’m also in the calm until shit loss camp. I think it works better than the white noise of always losing it. Also made my ds cry after losing my shit with him after getting a phone call from a lovely youth worker to say he’d been misbehaving there.

Leave him to it. He will soon learn when someone says he smells.

A few years ago my DDs boyfriend stayed for 5 days. He didn't shower, wash, clean his teeth despite me dropping massive hints. He just sprayed deodorant on. I don't think he even changed his clothes. It was vile and he smelled. I was so glad when he left.
You were totally reasonable to loose your shit with him and hopefully now he might actually start showering without prompting

My son is like this but has AuDHD so things like getting in the shower can feel overwhelming for him. He’s nearly 15 but it’s a daily battle with teeth brushing and showering. His skin is suffering because he doesn’t clean his face properly. Like you OP, it’s constant “have you brushed your teeth” or “please get in the shower”. I am happy if he showers every other day. It’s exhausting. I like to think a time will come when he can manage without prompting but I have no idea when that will be. It’s really difficult. I couldn’t keep my eldest out of the shower, quite glad she pays her own bills now!

Good. He needed to understand. It's normal to wash. One skipped day is OK occasionally. 3 is disgusting.

But to be honest, you need to bollock your DH too. He needs a man to man talk with the boy.

I would lose my shit if I had to remind my teenage DCs to shower / wash & brush theor teeth daily, OP, especially if they then didn't actually bother to act on my reminder.

No, you absolutely did the right thing. I hate showers, the thought of showers, the feel of the initial few seconds of a shower, but I still make myself shower every day.

Out of my 4DCs, my DS was the keenest to get in the shower compared to his three sisters. It can be a phase, but by this age it's a phase he should have already have grown out of imo, so hats off to you, OP! Clearly the softly, softly approach didn't work. You should NOT have to be reminding him daily to not stink.

Just to add, OP, as I have a 17yo who was/is like this - once he got a girlfriend I not only didn’t have to prompt him, but he also cleaned his bedroom/ensuite regularly!! Does tend to let it slide over half term if he’s not going anywhere for a few days, but I’ve stopped being polite if his long hair is now a day2 greasy mop (shudders).

As they say… this stage passes.

Too true, especially after they’ve been asked/told 197 times to do something, and they still haven’t…

OP, you say in your first post you feel terrible, and you ask if you are being unreasonable to have lost your temper and made him cry, and yet it's evident from the rest of your posts that you don't feel there is anything wrong with what you did at all, and if anybody even slightly criticises you you are in fact quite rebarbative.

I'd feel absolutely horrendous if I made my lovely teenage daughter cry by shouting at her. I think some things are more important to teach than hygiene - and among them are the importance of compassion and self control......

Have you ever asked him why he doesn't like showering, etc? Like a PP, my childhood home was really cold, and I hated taking my clothes off in the bathroom - Once my parents got one of those little heaters in there you couldn't keep me out of there!

Just saying, there could be a reason. Why not talk to him about it. Rather than yelling enough to cause tears, that's horrible.

(I wouldn't be remotely as judgemental if I thought you actually regretted it/blamed yourself in any way. But it's quite clear you think your aggression was totally justified).

Why do people think you need to shower every single day to not smell? It's a pretty recent phenomena IMO and it amazes me that people think they stink so much. And if he is a bit sweaty why not just get him to wash his pits before he gets dressed? Washing everyday especially if your water is hard is really drying for your skin, it's just not necessary.

Brushing teeth is different though, that is necessary if you don't want rotten teeth. But don't have him doing them after he's eaten as he'll just be taking the enamel off his teeth and making them worse not better.

Making him cry over it is horrible though - would you think it was acceptable to make an adult cry over something like this? If he was fat and ate too much would you think it was ok to make him cry over that? Horrible parenting.

I have the same issue with DS 16. Constantly nagging to shower and brush teeth. I take him to the dentist regularly and he had to have a small filling, that improved things for a while but he seems to have forgotten. He is ASD but I absolutely do not want him to turn into one of those smelly men people avoid on the bus 🙁
His siblings have much better hygiene standards.
Don’t feel bad for shouting, we are not perfect. You have explained that you rarely shout and you sound like a good caring mum.
You can explain to him you got so upset because you are concerned for his health and you don’t want him to get bullied for smelling.

Could it be a sensory thing? Some people find the transition between being dry / wet, or changing temperature between getting undressed / getting wet / getting back out of the shower and getting dried tricky if there’s any sensory issues going on.
similarly with toothbrushing - is there something about the toothpaste maybe? E.g. it is too minty / its texture too foamy?

Yes, the secret is to "lose your shit" at them when they lie about washing and ignore your requests to wash.

As you have found out.

Exactly.
An occasional bollocking does them no harm.

I sympathise op. It’s infuriating having to repeatedly ask someone to do something as simple as washing themselves. My two are generally ok about washing, but they drive me insane with other stuff. Wet towels and clothes on the bathroom floor, cups left in bedrooms etc. it’s always ‘in a minute’ or ‘I’ll do it later’. No, I want it done now so I dont have to keep it in my head and remind you! I’m not surprised you lost it op. Perhaps he’ll take the initiative to wash with no reminders from you in the future.

Making him cry over it is horrible though

But she didnt make him cry.

His behaviour made him cry. If he didnt lie and ignore his mother's polite, reasonable requests, then she wouldnt have to shout to make him listen.

Play stupid games, get stupid prizes.

He has earned the "shouty/ fed up of being nice" mum prize

This reminds me a bit of my DS11 who does have ADHD. Now I’m not saying your DS does but just for context.

It’s absolutely maddening to have to ask kids millions of times to do something, and just to get the fob off “yeah I will” / “just five mins” in reply. The kicking it into the long grass. When you just want the thing done! And then you have to ask again, and again.

Now with ADHD kids they say you mustn’t shout at them, but with a 14 yo (whether NT or ND) it isn’t surprising that you did eventually.

My DS absolutely loves a bath though - would yours prefer this to showers? I think because the temperature shock isn’t as much.

I think you're doing fine OP. Not read the full thread, just the first page or so and your replies. My kids are younger but the sense of what worked for the older not working for the younger is familiar. The only thing that's missing for me is does your ds think there's a problem and what does he make of it? Yes he's 14 but in a few years he'll be doing it for himself so it will be entirely up to him and down to him. You could see if you can understand his teen logic (or lack of it) which would free you from the nagging and help him figure out for the future what his way of doing things will be.

Teenage boys smell, at least mine do. Maybe there are some that don’t, but it’s fairly standard to shower at least once (twice if they have been playing sport) a day in my house.

well he should bloody shower then! Not washing is an issue that needs addressing, and if your parents ask you to do a reasonable action you bloody well do it!
honestly, grovelling and gaining back his trust. FGS!