..to have lost my shit at ds14

[Brendathebear]

Can I just say that I am usually a calm parent who just generally can talk through issues with the children. I think it was years ago that I last lost my temper.

Ds14 - I have to nag him every day to brush his teeth/wash. I was away at the weekend and I came home last night. Ds has not washed since Saturday... I asked him to make sure he showered today and when I came home from work - he still hadn't!

I reminded him to make sure he showered before dinner but he told me to stop making a deal out of it and he would do it afterwards, he refused to go to wash beforehand.

The weight of 14 years of daily reminders of "dont forget to brush your teeth" and cajoling him into the shower every other day - came crashing down and I lost it.

I feel terrible. I even had to have glass of wine to calm myself down. Do all teenage boys not wash and i should have managed this better?

Oh please. He messed her around once too often.

You ask about the secret, unfortunately I think the wish to wash is just inherent- I have two who are all about making sure they’re clean, two who aren’t. My older brother had to be nagged to shower less while my brother was ushered in to wash teeth/ shower.

My guess is that you having made a big deal out of it once, he’ll do it properly from now on. And you are right to make a big deal out of it, you don’t want him to grow up to be one of those men (who seem to appear with troubling frequency in relationships with MNers) who thinks personal hygiene is an optional extra.

Ps someone on here once said they heard someone say someone won’t tell you you smell, but they will tell other people’ and it worked on them

what did you say to him exactly?

tbh I don’t see any issue with getting across the importance of brushing your teeth and maintaining hygiene. Whilst teenagers can be manky, most of them sort their hygiene out especially if they’re able to maintain friendships or date. So the implication being, if your son struggles socially, his bad hygiene is going to be a factor.

My mum still has to nag my 25 year old brother to make sure he washes, washes his clothes, changes his bedsheets etc.

she always complains about it but I think, what are you whinging about? You raised him to be like that!! I can’t help but think the same here. You made your 14 year old son cry because your parenting has fallen short somewhere.

Some teenagers are just manky.

He's a 14 year old not a little baby. Perhaps he should bloody shower then if he doesn't want to get shouted at. He was asked to enough bloody times.

Thank you @HeavenInMyHeart for slating my parenting when I feel bad enough already!

As we know- parenting isnt a one sized fits all package. I absolutely try my best, I don't take the easy option - otherwise he wouldn't have washed for years! I never had this issue with my older "perfect" children 🤦‍♀️

My 20 year old is the same and it’s not my bad parenting! He had the same routine instilled in him forever. As yet undiagnosed adhd. Hadn’t got round to making the appointment…

I have one stinky one (even at 19 I have to nag him to shower). The social embarrassment doesn't factor in as he is autistic and couldn't care less what others think. 😡 My other two are perfectly happy to shower. I feel your pain and frustration. Sometimes they need to know they've pushed their luck too far.

Oh don't sweat it @Brendathebearpun intended
I told DS about the same age he needed to wash as no one wanted to be friends with the boy who smelled.
It worked. He now costs a fortune in water and smellies 🤣

I’m in possession of a lazy 13 year old so I feel your pain. No advice, but I’ll join you in the 🍷

I have 5 sons and yes the nagging is exhausting! Don't feel guilty for losing your rag, you're only human 😂 give him a cuddle and tell him you love him and that's why you get cross when he doesn't look after himself - because you don't want him to be dirty and smelly, people won't want to be near him!

Might be a good idea to make him an appointment at the dentist for a check up and have a quiet word so the dentist gives him a bit of a lecture about what happens if you don't look after your teeth! Toothache and decay is painful and having fillings and extractions is no fun!

Maybe turn off the wifi when necessary and tell him it goes on again when he's had a shower!!

My sons are all adults now and their personal hygiene is much better, they are always clean and do brush their teeth so they get there in the end!

ignore any negative comments. You are a good mother and obviously care a lot about your son. Sit down when you are both calm and explain that you are on his back to shower because you love him and do not want him getting bullied for not washing.

He's 14 years, not months.

Soap Dodger will get over it!

@Brendathebear

you've done him a favour, now sit back & see if he showers & cleans his teeth without being bagged.

dont jeep apologising fir losing your shit or it'll lose its impact, he needs to know it was deserved!

Think it does them good to see a parent flip out occasionally.

My 13 yo DS does shower every day as part of his morning routine- I think his motivation is he can’t style his fringe the way he wants to otherwise and he very particular about his fringe. Maybe he needs a routine - a non negotiable one. Shower every morning when he wakes up so it becomes habit. Teeth should be twice a day also non negotiable. Although my teen does brush his, his dentist did say he hadn’t been doing the best job which embarrassed him recently so he is now doing it much better. Has he got a decent electric toothbrush?

He’s 14 not 4! He needed to be told.

I do think teenagers go one way or the other-you either can’t get them into the shower or can’t get them out! Have you said bluntly that he smells? Does his dad shower?

My foster son is the same. He showers every morning then again after sport.

If this helps. My ds aged 14 was absolutely disgusting. All exactly the same arguments. One particular family party I remember him actually stinking and I was so embarrassed. I don't mean a bit, I mean a lot! Then literally randomly one day, I think it was at the 14/15 cusp, he got up one day and started showering daily and of his own accord. Has done ever since and actually now meticulous on hygiene. Many times he showers twice per day. It does change!!

Don't lose heart @Brendathebear

I think you're doing fine.
If you were a bad mother, you wouldn't be feeling so guilty now.

Don't pay attention to a few judgemental posters.