..to have lost my shit at ds14

[Brendathebear]

Can I just say that I am usually a calm parent who just generally can talk through issues with the children. I think it was years ago that I last lost my temper.

Ds14 - I have to nag him every day to brush his teeth/wash. I was away at the weekend and I came home last night. Ds has not washed since Saturday... I asked him to make sure he showered today and when I came home from work - he still hadn't!

I reminded him to make sure he showered before dinner but he told me to stop making a deal out of it and he would do it afterwards, he refused to go to wash beforehand.

The weight of 14 years of daily reminders of "dont forget to brush your teeth" and cajoling him into the shower every other day - came crashing down and I lost it.

I feel terrible. I even had to have glass of wine to calm myself down. Do all teenage boys not wash and i should have managed this better?

If this is the only time you've lost your shit after 14 years I am amazed. Don't give this future man an unrealistic idea of what life is like living with other people, it won't do him any favours! We need to show how actions of one affect the other or he will be very surprised when his girlfriends find things disgusting, or get cross or angry and not be able to deal with it in a healthy way. It's interesting but women get far angrier with daughters than sons, and I personally think this shows in the end product.

You need a router that's compatible with this- check with your Internet service provider. Then mine, at least, works via an app (it's Nokia). It is a bit crap though, and doesn't seem to come with an easy content filter option, which is annoying.

I used to do it as a kid though too when I was 8 or 9. Go and stand in the bathroom and make water splashing noises in the sink instead of actually having a wash.
"Are you having a wash?"
"Yes, mum".

It would have been much easier to actually have a wash 😅I told my mum about it a couple of years ago and we had a good laugh about it. She said she'd done it sometimes when she was little as well, though she had an excuse of no central heating.

My DD16 really did go through a Stig of the dump phase. She does still have moments (but she is AuDHD so teeth brushing had to be carefully navigated by finding a toothbrush that didn’t make really loud sounds)

Well there is your problem. Stop telling him 4 times. Tell him once and if he doesn’t do it set a consequence. He loses his phone until the next day, can’t use his game system.

why the hell are you nagging him. And as for your DH, I’d have words there too.

Omg! This is me!! I think we need to drink wine togther!

I have 15 yr old DS, personal hygiene is fine but, OMG, the "Please can you do...?" "Yeah, okay" - followed by not doing it..for ever. Repeat. Very hard to endure. This can be about anything. Maybe it's about laziness and not liking to be nagged. He needs to decide to do things in his own time, apparently. Which usually doesn't fit with everyone else around him, creating friction. Def a teenage thing, pulling away from parental influence etc. etc.

I think I would have lost my shit, but I suspect there was something frightening/aggressive about your outburst if you made a teenager cry.

My DS is 11 and hates washing with soap so he 'washes' his face with cold water and that's it.
It bugs the shit out of me. He's ND so I'm not fighting with him to do it because he has pda/odd and shouting etc does is no good.
Teeth brushing is the same fight pretty much.
I show him pics of acne and bad teeth, occasionally he'll do it without fuss

This.

3 boys and if anything we have to tell them to get out of the shower. Lots of friends sons regularly get to the point where they smell really bad. I don't get it.

I'm amazed your son hasn't learned to wave his toothbrush under the tap.

Don't ask me how I know about this trick ...

It wasn't that bad. It kind of was along the lines of "This is ridiculous, personal hygiene is so important, you can be bullied for it etc etc ....." rant very loudly.

I went up to a shout level when I said "I have had enough of the constant reminding, cajoling etc to make you do stuff that is your own personal responsibility.....etc"

It was probably over in less than a min. I think it was the shock factor as I'm normally so chilled.

If it helps, I found that things shifted around 15/16 to be slightly more willing to do these things. Though it first manifested as a frustration when actually needing to leave for school etc that he looked less clean than he wanted.

It took a little longer for his thought process to works its way to I need to shower in time and sometimes he still needs promoting when it’s holidays or unusual times but there isn’t an argument like there used to be.

What we found worked in the meantime was to have a “shower every day at the same time of day” policy. Over time it became a habit. He might grumble but it definitely improved things.

For us it was when he got home from school. Not ideal as first thing in the morning would have been more ideal but like most teenagers mornings aren’t his best time and sometimes you just have to factor that in.

Good luck though, I do remember those battles and its soul destroying at times.

I have a 14 and 16 year old. 16 year old showers in the morning and after sport but has to be forced to brush teeth at bedtime
14 year old will shower in the morning every day but not after sport and will happily sit in sweaty kit. He's ok a t the teeth brushing.

I think it's ok to lose your shit occasionally. I generally am calm with my boys and don't get angry v often but there have been times when maybe my tolerance has been lower (hi perimenopause!) and I've lost the head.

I think so long as you talk after about why you lost your head it's fine. But also then talk about why you're nagging him to shower.

Sympathy for you. No teenagers here but I was a light soap-dodger (mainly hated washing my hair) and my brother had to be forced at gun point to wash. My sister washed but her room was absolutely vile. We both grew out of it. Certainly had a few bollockings for it, so I don't know if the shouting will work long term. Maybe in the cooling off period after the shouting you could say to him 'I really didn't like losing my temper with you but I really want you to be clean because I care about you' etc. Who knows - some teens are gross!

Mine grew out of it around 15/16. They both now shower everyday and brush their teeth.

I just kept buying deodorant. Asked if their friends had not said anything because I could smell them (I could not but they don't know that). Gave them mints because I could smell they hadn't brushed (I couldn't). They got it eventually.

Feel a bit sorry you made him cry, is he a sensitive child?

@Brendathebear You have probably been too chilled! How have you put up with this for so long. I’d have had this loud conversation moons ago. Does no one show him adverts of groomed men? Has he got nice shower products? Let’s be honest, he’s a slob and like many mums of boys, bad behaviour has not been called out in any meaningful way. Get a grip. The rest of us need you to do that. Days of defiance ends in crying. So what? Good - he needs a shock or two. Would he prefer to be shunned at school?

Also was he on his own at 14? Who else is part of this parenting saga? What are they doing?

So is ignoring your mother, and smelling.

Hmm. It doesn't sound too bad then, but all that sounds like stuff you might have all said before it got to this point! How do you usually address it unless it's exactly like that? Or was it a change in tone that was shocking to him?

You have to wonder…. Were they tears of shock/embarrassment? …consider that a positive.
If you find showering and brushing isn’t prompted today - job done💪🏻

If it is… a “do we have to have a repeat of yesterday or are you going to adult today?” might work 😏

I haven't been resting on my laurels here! Of course he has lovely products, of course I have tried to make him have a routine, of course dh supports the same. Yes, I have shown him images of groomed handsome men v Wayne/Waynetta images, of rotten teeth. No, he wasnt home alone over the weekend, DH was here. Yesterday he was home with no parents but 19 year old sibling was with him and they went out for lunch together.

He is 14 though so will have to stay home some days over half term as I DH and I have to work.

If you say to him something along the lines 'your friends/potential girlfriends will find your BO disgusting' - he will live in the shower after that.

I have a 14yo DS. You need to change the shower to daily, at the same time of day, for any hope of a routine setting in. Bedtime in this house.
Strict routine is crucial. He goes straight from shower to teeth brushing.
Electric tooth brush also essential for lazy arses.
My current battle is teeth brushing on weekend/holiday mornings. The lack of school morning routine affects this.
Antiperspirant is still a no go. Thankfully he doesn't smell.
See also nail care - this is a sensory issue for DS. I've tried hard to explain that doing it himself would very likely reduce the issue, but he's stuck in avoidance currently.
I'm going to introduce Sunday night nail check as strict routine.

No it wasn't horrible. It was fully deserved after repeated requests and reminders were ignored and it had been a long time coming.

OP, it's fine to lose your shit occasionally. It reinforces that there are boundaries that need to be respected. Also, cleanliness and hygiene (oral and other) are very important. We read quite often on here about men with poor hygiene standards and the effects on their partners, so maybe you have just done a potential future DIL a huge favour, as well as your DS himself.

It’s fine op. Sometimes you need to get that point before change happens. Its not nice for either of you.
Does your ds go to the dentist regularly? That’s enough to keep my dc in check about brushing teeth.
As for showering, I have in the past made a lighthearted comment about “wow you must have been really active because you need a shower!”
As teens, they’re really particular about showering regularly and smelling nice.
For both teeth and showering, I’ve explained to them since they were young about the importance of good hygiene and maybe scared them a bit about what happens if they don’t keep it up. Nit intentionally but rotting painful teeth and germs and bacteria thriving in your skin is probably a bit unnerving.