..to have lost my shit at ds14

[Brendathebear]

Can I just say that I am usually a calm parent who just generally can talk through issues with the children. I think it was years ago that I last lost my temper.

Ds14 - I have to nag him every day to brush his teeth/wash. I was away at the weekend and I came home last night. Ds has not washed since Saturday... I asked him to make sure he showered today and when I came home from work - he still hadn't!

I reminded him to make sure he showered before dinner but he told me to stop making a deal out of it and he would do it afterwards, he refused to go to wash beforehand.

The weight of 14 years of daily reminders of "dont forget to brush your teeth" and cajoling him into the shower every other day - came crashing down and I lost it.

I feel terrible. I even had to have glass of wine to calm myself down. Do all teenage boys not wash and i should have managed this better?

I wouldn’t feel bad. Teen boys stink in my opinion (and experience having had 2 of them) and we had to nag DS2 a lot). Mainly after sport, straight into the shower. DD, never ever had to tell her and she doesn’t stink!

Ugh, are you me? DS, also 14 had to have special toothpaste prescribed at the dentist yesterday because he is too bloody lazy to brush his teeth properly.

Me, DH and DD (12) are so clean that you could eat your dinner off any part of us at any time! 😄 But DS, showers just with water, brushes his teeth for about 10 seconds, has to be nagged and nagged, sheer bloody laziness, hopefully this too shall pass!

I think it’s accurate to say that plenty of teens shower regularly and plenty are proper soap dodgers. It’s not your fault, it’s not your husbands fault despite a PP’s assertion that it is 😂. It just is.

My son was the same and it frustrated me no end. One day you’ll realise that you’ve stopped having to nag him. In my experience that was around 16. In the meantime, nag away.

Well done! Sometimes they need telling in no uncertain way. Ignore the gentle parenters

I know somwoeople will post that their teenagers never did this but it is normal behaviour in SOME teenagers of this age.

My niece, nephew and son all went through stages of not washing without a lot of nagging between the ages of about 13-15 . With my niece, who lived with me for parts of that time and with my son, I was less consistently insistent that you are op. I really didn't have the energy sometimes.

Frankly with my son, his behaviour in other areas at the time was causing so many problems, his refusal to wash regularly was 'minor' so one of the things I sometimes let go in my ' pick your battles' decisions at the time.

I would often tell them they smelt though and explained the consequences of that to them. Eventually, they both ( my niece who is NT was much quicker to change) started washing more,. They are both perfectly normal adults who wash regularly now, even DS who has ADHD and ASD. . My nephew was similar though his dad dealt with that not me.

It honestly will pass but it is nonetheless frustrating I know

Thanks for everyone's supporting messages. For the gentle parents - I would happily just leave him to it but he is a massive strong 14 year old boy full of tetesterone - much taller than me. He really does smell if he doesn't wash. I dont want him to be ridiculed for it in school, those nicknames can stick forever! - and also I dont want him to be comfortable in a cycle of self neglect.

New calmer start today, I worked out last night how to turn off the WiFi to different devices in the house. This is my new tool.....

I ended up, after years of nagging and difficult dentist visits, imposing a rule that ds had to brush his teeth while I watched. At a time of my choosing, so earlier in the morning than he would have liked. Same in the evening, but DH watched that time.

Very, very boring sitting outside the open bathroom door waiting for the electric toothbrush to stop buzzing, glancing in every few seconds to check it was actually being used, but after a few months the habit was mostly embedded, though it needed redoing a few times after holidays, fr a few days.

Oh I feel your pain Op, my daily conversation with 13 year old Ds:
me: have you brushed your teeth?
ds: yes (sounds outraged)
me: have you really?
ds: yes (more outrage)
me:but have you actually brushed them?
ds: yes
me: so if I go and feel your toothbrush now…
ds: I’ll go and do them.

It’s exhausting and I’m jealous of those on here with nice clean teens!

Op you are human and many years of frustration is going to come out at some point. I would explain this to your teen as everyone has a limit. We have a set routine with showers after dinner for teens so they are clean. I think it’s just followed on from when they were younger. However a tidy bedroom is a different issue!

congratulations 🙄

Are you me?! This is all so familiar.

As is the post about sitting outside the bathroom door listening to the buzzing toothbrush.

Sigh.

Mine never needs reminding to brush his teeth - does at least 3 times a day because of braces. Baths or showers daily . Keen on wearing pyjamas though around the house.

You were completely reasonable to lose your shit with the dirty little beggar .

I have 2 brothers and 3 sisters. Growing up, we all had chores, such as washing up/ drying and putting away/ vacuuming and a rota, so say on a Monday it was my turn to wash up and Tuesday, it was John's turn.
One day, John was reminded, yet again, to go and brush his teeth. Cue outrage - "it's Mark's turn!" as he stomped upstairs.

I have a teen who went through that phase and it was constant nagging. DH is also part of the tell them once and don’t follow through gang whereas I will make sure it’s done. The teen is 16 now and has come through that and does shower and clean teeth without being reminded most of the time.

If you are looking for a consequence, in my house threatening to take them off the family Spotify account so they only have the free one with adverts generally gets them shifting. 😆

I’m VERY VERY clam and chilled I honestly think in 20 odd years I’ve lost my shit with mine 3 times and they have cried
it more the fact that they know they pushed it to far too get that reaction and they both apologised because they realised they’d gone too far
where as my wife shouts all the time it’s just noise and had zero impact and gets no reaction

it’s the shock of the out of character reaction

our oldest went through a lazy stage with hygiene just told him he smelt and I was worried about him getting bullied or let out as he was the kid that smelt it worked

My eldest went through a phase of not showering when he was 14/15. I think most teens show a bit of pushback with SOMEthing and often it’s wanting autonomy over their personal hygiene. He does have ASD so I think it may also have been a sensory issue with him. I am pleased to report that the stinky phase eventually ended and he now showers every day, sometimes twice (and sometimes at midnight and he uses up all the shower gel and stays in there a ridiculous amount of time and leaves the place swimming - so swings and roundabouts😅)

I didn’t get too annoyed with him about it, probably because his brother has contamination OCD and I see the other extreme every day, but there are other things I’ve lost it over once in a while. Like when he constantly missed the bus for school and I had to drive him (no other bus and school is miles away.)

If you shouted at him as a matter of course, you wouldn’t be feeling so bad about it

🤣🫣 I’m hanging on to the thought that they grow out of it!!

The weight of 14 years of daily reminders of "dont forget to brush your teeth" and cajoling him into the shower every other day - came crashing down and I lost it.

doing the same thing and having the same results, really sorry but your method isn't working.

you fund another method and it worked

he is scared of you when you shout and does what you say

maybe talk to him about it and whether he would prefer to be responsible for his own hygiene or you scare him daily

Oh yes. As a teacher, I keep air freshener in the classroom. Literally Y7 and Y10 onwards will walk in and ask if I've had Y8 or Y9 the lesson before because of the choking testosterone infused body odour.

We’ve all done this over something and I totally understand how badly you feel having made DS cry… but sometimes you have to lose it to make it clear how much it matters. I’ve lost it maybe 3 or 4 times in 20 years. It’s the stuff of legends and my kids happily regale their mates/GFs about each incident so I am teased unmercifully and with some glee - but at the time it really did make them wake up and step up (and cry).

However, they also know I am not a pushover, therefore, and that if I state ‘I am coming close to losing it over this - you need to sort yourself out’ they remember the last time (years ago now) and appreciate that I have marked my line in the sand - in bold and underscored it.

Just give him a hug today, tell him you are sorry you lost it but need him to listen going forward as it really matters, and then move on. (But keep the wine on hand, just in case.)

Can't you just switch his phone off until he does it? If talking hasn't worked?

I have two boys and this nails it.
Eta it does make you feel shit. But it's for the greater good and just another one of those hard parts of parenting well imo

I went through this phase at 12/13, even as a girl and so did DD2. I think it's kind of mild depression in puberty as it just felt such an effort sometimes. It took my friends telling me I smelled of BO to make a difference - mortifying! 😱

How do you turn off the wifi to individual devices please? This could be very useful!

My eldest showered and brushed teeth religiously. The youngest didn’t. The youngest is now an adult with a fairly recent diagnosis of ADHD with probable ASD. Make of that what you will.