Constant 50/50.... makes the spark go?

[itsallabitmuchx]

I (28 female) have been with my boyfriend (32 male) for a year. I moved in approx 6 months ago and pay 'rent' (essentially all of the bills, and the food shop) - totals approx £650 a month (if that's relevant). We earn roughly the same amount (approx. 50K each, pre tax).

Now dont get me wrong, I am not expecting luxorious gifts (far far form it) but my issue is that EVERYTHING is 50/50, always. BF may suggest a date night somewhere he wants to go, I go, assuming he may pay for this one, and, hey ho, every single time, 'we'll split this.. I'll split it with you on Monzo'. So, basically, in front of the staff and friends etc and will pay for it then Monzo me to split it. I have gone along with this and whilst I've felt a bit taken aback about it I convinced myself I may be being entitled and that it is actually 'fair'.

However, the longer this has gone on, frankly, the longer I am loathing it. He has never once bought me flowers, a take-away etc, everything is split. I then feel really confused and hurt when friends get taken out for dinner by their BF who pays and they cant believe that my boyfriend doesn't. I am starting to feel a little put off by it in all honesty. Our anniversary dinner is coming up and no doubt we will split this. I also graduated with a PHD last year - we went for dinner the two of us.. again, split it.

On the odd (very rare) occasion he has bought us both coffee when we are out - he goes 'you buy the next ones' - which I then pay for the week after.

AIBU? Am I being entitled here? Would you feel the same? I feel a bit resentful and starting to question the relationship.

Do you take him out for dinner and pay ? Admittedly it seems a bit mean to never treat you

I would find this tight and unattractive. It's quite an early relationship so I understand your not at the what's yours is mine stage yet (some couples never arrive at that point).

It's not that I expect the man to pay. It that I'd expect each of us to treat the other occasionally. Or let it slide if it's something small like a coffee.

Do you ever treat him to dinner etc?

I think 50/50 is fair, but I’d expect you to treat each other outside of that. So I’d perhaps expext paying for date nights to be alternated rather than split, I’d expect you to pay for each other’s birthday or other celebration meals etc.

I think it’s a bit unreasonable to expect this when you both earn the same amount.

How about having a joint current account and credit cards so any joint purchase can be paid for using them rather than having to split each individual purchase?

That would grate on me, as my husband and I regularly do nice things for each other like treat to dinner or little surprise gifts etc.

It’s odd that you don’t just take it in turns to pay for dinner. That makes the split feel less like a friends transaction. That said being treated occasionally a is lovely part of a relationship where the means are there to do it.

I think 50/50 is sensible in most of the scenarios you outline. Except presumably you don't go 50/50 when buying one another birthday presents? The main issue seems to be that he doesn't treat you to anything - to be fair if I got my PhD it would be nice to be treated to dinner, that seems fair enough, it's celebratory. Do you also treat him on special occasions? I think 50/50 for an anniversary dinner is completely fine - it's both of your anniversaries! Don't compare yourself to your friends - everyone's relationships are different - that way madness lies.

Do you treat him?

It's nice to treat someone sometimes...it's making me think I should treat my husband more often.

Yeah, the PHD dinner does make him sound tight, which is not an attractive trait.

He’s probably been brainwashed into believing women don’t wanted to be treated. Strong independent woman seems the mantra of the moment

So he never treats you? I would be completely put off by this as it implies him being generally tight. I also wouldn't be happy paying towards his mortgage in 'rent', all other bills should be split.

It should be equal, and I really hope you don't mean that because he's a man, he should be paying more but it would be annoying to be so down to every penny.

50/50 is a good idea for most things. But there should be some minor allowances outside of that.

Could you both contribute to a joint account or pot and use that for days out together or treating each other so it's not taking the fun out of it each time.

Aren’t there different things going on here, though? OP your headline refers to the spark going and I suggest that that is really the issue here: he no longer makes you feel special. Quite possibly he feels the same way about you.

Talk about your finances and talk about how you want to share things and how you see the future and how you would want to divide finances if you ever split up.

Talk about how you feel about each other and what you want from each other in your relationship.

In past relationships I’ve been in, one person has paid each time rather than splitting the bill or transferring money after every meal/coffee/cinema ticket but we would try to make it roughly balance out like “I got the dinner before the movie, so you buy the cinema tickets and drinks” or something. I would definitely treat my partner on his birthday and expect him to treat me with a fancier than normal dinner or treat which I don’t split. Same for celebrations like your PHD.

I definitely couldn’t be with someone who obsessed over every penny - massive ick!

Do you treat him OP out of interest? As it works both ways

So you pay ‘all of the bills, and the food shop’, which amounts to £650 a month. Does he own the house - are you subsidising his mortgage?

You need a proper discussion about your financial setup, which should also take into consideration whether you are planning a future together or just sharing for convenience.

Have you told him this. The romance is being stolen by Monzo! Take turns on nights out maybe but at least tell him what you're thinking before you dump him.

The thoughts of him counting every penny like this is giving me the ick.

I think moving in after only six months was your first mistake.

The person being celebrated should definitely not be paying for their celebration meal (so the PhD dinner) and the coffee comment sounds stingy. Fine if you do just get the next one but making a point of letting you know you will do so is unattractive.

But in general, I’d be happy with 50/50 day to day. Having a joint account is handy once you live together I think.

Omg I’d hate this! Im only two months in but he pays th majority! He actually got offended when I insisted on paying when I took him to my favourite restaurant! If you are going 50-50 this much get a joint account then it’s both your money

I think you moved in together too soon.

Be very careful if you have children with this man in the future. Never give up your career and ability to earn.

The PHD dinner is the worst bit. It should have been a nice treat.