Constant 50/50.... makes the spark go?

[itsallabitmuchx]

I (28 female) have been with my boyfriend (32 male) for a year. I moved in approx 6 months ago and pay 'rent' (essentially all of the bills, and the food shop) - totals approx £650 a month (if that's relevant). We earn roughly the same amount (approx. 50K each, pre tax).

Now dont get me wrong, I am not expecting luxorious gifts (far far form it) but my issue is that EVERYTHING is 50/50, always. BF may suggest a date night somewhere he wants to go, I go, assuming he may pay for this one, and, hey ho, every single time, 'we'll split this.. I'll split it with you on Monzo'. So, basically, in front of the staff and friends etc and will pay for it then Monzo me to split it. I have gone along with this and whilst I've felt a bit taken aback about it I convinced myself I may be being entitled and that it is actually 'fair'.

However, the longer this has gone on, frankly, the longer I am loathing it. He has never once bought me flowers, a take-away etc, everything is split. I then feel really confused and hurt when friends get taken out for dinner by their BF who pays and they cant believe that my boyfriend doesn't. I am starting to feel a little put off by it in all honesty. Our anniversary dinner is coming up and no doubt we will split this. I also graduated with a PHD last year - we went for dinner the two of us.. again, split it.

On the odd (very rare) occasion he has bought us both coffee when we are out - he goes 'you buy the next ones' - which I then pay for the week after.

AIBU? Am I being entitled here? Would you feel the same? I feel a bit resentful and starting to question the relationship.

I think they're both getting a good deal but suspect he might see the relationship as a way of sharing living expenses rather than as anything more romantic which is why everything is split.

This wouldn't work for me. I wouldn't have got past the first date, as I expect the man to pay for the first few dates.

You moved in with him after only 6 months? That was your first mistake OP. You're now finding out that he's not what you want in a partner! I wouldn't want to be in a relationship where the financial side of things are this transactional, I think it's normal to treat each other for birthdays, celebrations and things. Have you talked to him about this?

Do you ever treat him or buy him flowers (or an equivalent) though? Do you ever take him out on a date?

DP and I don't have joint bank accounts, despite having a mortgage together. We've been together over 20 years. Things like meals out, tickets, weekly food shop, coffees, drinks etc we just more or less take it in turns to pay for. We don't sit there transferring money to one another (except on rare occasions when we've spent too much for one of to reasonably pay for in one go) but the principle is basically the same - basically we're splitting things. It doesn't feel transactional because we just take it in turns rather than fiddling about with Monzo, that's all. Sometimes one of us will 'treat' the other, but that's a thing we both do. I don't expect to be 'treated' any more than him.

Are you essentially helping him reduce costs and pay a mortgage?

When dh and I moved in together we split everything 50/50. He didn't "treat" me or me him. Neither of us were bothered about that at all.

Once we bought a flat together, we just totally pooled our money.

The issue here is that it bothers. You want to be romanced.

The bigger issue is the housing. Are you basically subsidising his mortgage?

Yeah, it all seems a bit transactional! Do you buy him the odd treat/dinner “just because”? If not I’d start doing so to see his reaction 🤔. If he laps up the coffees and treats in his direction but still asks to go 50/50 on everything else, I’d feel it wasn’t for me. I like to be generous so the balance felt off when I’ve dated tighter men as they’d take my generosity but not reciprocate.

I can understand that splitting everything is annoying and unromantic but I think you are being unreasonable to be frustrated that your partner doesn't treat you when you have given no indication that you do treat him. You both earn similar amounts and pay out similar amounts. Nothing to suggest he has more money than you.

I think the answer is a joint account at least for joint spending.

Our money is joint but it is generally my husband that will queue at the bar etc. I wouldn't like to discuss how we pay for stuff in front of others.

Or maybe it’s the secret drinking to disguise the core unhappiness you have in yourself.

Either way… sounds like a very bleak way to live and I hope you manage to see the positives in yourself.

This

Sounds miserable. Transferring money there and then every time you go out is soul destroying.

Also be careful of judging others lives from the outside. There are men that like to play the big man paying generously at the bar etc but can afford it because they don't actually pull their weight in terms of the family finances and bills.

Others the man might be the one at the bar but the money is joint anyway.

Others might ask for money later out of earshot.

If a man is always treating his girlfriend generously while paying half the home finances and earning similarly to her I would say he is a bit of a mug.

So you see it as a lack of nice gestures? You don't like that he asks for your share in front of other people?

If he didn't send you the prompt for money, and would just pay from a (new shared) account for shared expenses where you both put the same money in and use them together, would it feel differently?

I don't think it necessarily means he would be unfit for sharing when it matters (like having children/getting married/moving for one's job), but you can probe and hear his thoughts.

The biggest question would be if you live in his property, and he is paying for assets and you for shared consumption. I'd recommend he should pay for the equity part of the payment, you should save the same money for "future bigger home together" and you should split interest payment, bills and food (aka consumables).
Living together should save money for you both.

I would find that irritating, you should be paying the same amount as you earn the same but it would be better to take it in turns to treat each other.

Incredible

he doesn’t treat her and he’s mean. She doesn’t treat him and that doesn’t matter.

double standards in one single post!

Stinginess is very unattractive. Longer term with a family and kids I could see it turning into a deal breaker. It’ll only get worse. Also- does he pay rent or a mortgage on the property? If it’s a mortgage you might be getting shafted here as his portion of money is going into a long term asset for him and yours is doing nothing for you.

So his ‘half’ of putting towards the household costs are actually to pay off an asset that only he will own at the end.

and your ‘half’ pays for the joint bills and joint food?!?

and you moved in after 6 months?

honestly op, I think he saw you coming. Someone to pay all his living costs and who’ll have sex with him.

do you think he likes you? (He may well do btw, it’s just worth a thought)

I would find this deeply unattractive. I am not even this rigid with friends.

I've no hope for your my bil/sil still do this and they've been married for 20 year...
Personally I find it weird and yes very unromantic / flattening of the relationship!

I earn very little in comparison to my OH. Our money is shared largely but ai still treat him to little things I think he'd like ' like his favourite cob for lunch as I was passing the shop on the way home today. It's the gestures, the little things that keep things alive!

What DO you want?

Sometimes he treats you and sometimes you treat him?

That's same as 50/50 anyway?

It isn’t a man/woman thing. It’s about the transactional nature of it all. It gets so boring to go down to the penny. Even with my friends we’d just take turns as it just feels nicer.

Oh my god, I am all for equality (and I have never ever accepted a dinner invite if I didn't have the money to pay for my share!), But, seriously, advocating 50/50 for everything in a relationship as a general principle is just delusional.

Women pay endless financial penalties for being born the ‘wrong sex’ - from extra cost for clothes and haircuts to lesser pay and a motherhood penalty. So until society addresses the bigger issues, men can bloody pay for dinner occasionally

I'd be more concerned about paying all the bills and food as 'rent'. If it's his house and he's just paying his mortgage etc but he's getting a free ride. If you're not contributing to the mortgage then it would be difficult to prove you have a right to any of it and essentially paying his half of the bills. If he is getting sole rights to the property then he should be paying 50% of the bills and food too. Since he likes things 50/50, it shouldn't be a problem.

If you're treating him and showing other financial generosity that he isn't reciprocating then ditch him.

If what you want is a way to arrange 50/50 that doesn't involve splitting every single purchase (which I would also find tiresome) then talk to him about that openly. A joint pot for joint discretionary spending or just taking turns can both work well and feel more natural and united. If you can't talk to him about this then absolutely don't progress the relationship.

But as others have mentioned, you would be unreasonable to want him to treat you without you doing the same for him.

It’s just money in and out. Doesn’t matter what it pays for. She pays half the outgoings