Constant 50/50.... makes the spark go?

[itsallabitmuchx]

I (28 female) have been with my boyfriend (32 male) for a year. I moved in approx 6 months ago and pay 'rent' (essentially all of the bills, and the food shop) - totals approx £650 a month (if that's relevant). We earn roughly the same amount (approx. 50K each, pre tax).

Now dont get me wrong, I am not expecting luxorious gifts (far far form it) but my issue is that EVERYTHING is 50/50, always. BF may suggest a date night somewhere he wants to go, I go, assuming he may pay for this one, and, hey ho, every single time, 'we'll split this.. I'll split it with you on Monzo'. So, basically, in front of the staff and friends etc and will pay for it then Monzo me to split it. I have gone along with this and whilst I've felt a bit taken aback about it I convinced myself I may be being entitled and that it is actually 'fair'.

However, the longer this has gone on, frankly, the longer I am loathing it. He has never once bought me flowers, a take-away etc, everything is split. I then feel really confused and hurt when friends get taken out for dinner by their BF who pays and they cant believe that my boyfriend doesn't. I am starting to feel a little put off by it in all honesty. Our anniversary dinner is coming up and no doubt we will split this. I also graduated with a PHD last year - we went for dinner the two of us.. again, split it.

On the odd (very rare) occasion he has bought us both coffee when we are out - he goes 'you buy the next ones' - which I then pay for the week after.

AIBU? Am I being entitled here? Would you feel the same? I feel a bit resentful and starting to question the relationship.

Do you ever treat him?

Things should be 50/50 in the absence of any extenuating factors.

If you were happy to get the meal this time, and then he was going halves next time, then I'd say you had a point, but it sounds like you're expecting him to treat you and not the other way round.

I’d be more concerned about the living together situation than who is paying for dinner.

It seems quite stingy. Before we combined finances, my husband (then boyfriend) used to fight to pay for everything, he’s very generous by nature and it felt nice knowing he was so keen to treat me. I liked to treat him too though, so I would pay for dinner for his birthday and other treats. So I think it should work both ways. But stuff like your phd graduation, that should be a treat for you imo.

I think maybe have a conversation about it. Maybe he’ll make a bit more effort if he knows it's bothering you.

I will say one word of caution. You're roughly on the same salary now and so 50/50 works. But that could change and if he out-earns you in the future, you need to be sure that he’ll treat you fairly. I'm not just talking career progression, but if you ever have kids and you're not earning on maternity leave or you go part-time. So many women get left financially struggling because their partner doesn't behave like they're a unit or team and still insists on 50/50 and leaves them struggling. It's really important long-term that you're on the same page with stuff like that and this feels like it could be a potential red flag so don't shy away from having hard conversations about money and how your finances as a couple might work in the future.

Do you ever buy him flowers or similar? It would be unreasonable to expect him to do something for you that you don’t do for him. The obvious things to do for meals out is have a joint account and both put the same amount in. Why not suggest that to him and see how he reacts?

My dd and her dp put money into a joint account for treats like this, plus the weekly shop so much easier (we just pay ad hoc for stuff but we aren’t money sensitive, bit different)

I oils be suspicious about him if you were my daughter and told me this. Equal split of bills and offer households expenses is fine but no flowers or any treats sounds mean.

I know a lot of posters asked if you treated him ever. I don’t think it matters much, at least for me, he doesn’t sound nice and kind and it usually only gets worse.

Ugh he sounds so stingy. I think it's more normal to take turns and not obsess over small differences in who has paid for what.

Have you raised this with him OP? How do you think he'd react?

Perhaps you could try instigating it by treating him to a meal? See how that goes - does he make sure he pays in full the next time you go out together.. or does he conveniently "forget". I think that'll give you your answer on where you stand with this.

Personally, I'd dump someone like this. I'm generous with my money, especially with those i love and care about, and expect a similar level of generosity in return. Otherwise it all goes one-sided very quickly - and who wants to be in a one-sided relationship?

What happens when you take him out for a meal or event? Do you pay?

Bit shocked he made you split a meal to celebrate your phd

Exactly. Imagine going for a romantic meal and you know you're going to end the night having fun in the bedroom. But at the end of the meal your partner wants your half of the bill asap. I mean that level of stinginess would make my jingo close right back up. Being a tight bastard is right up there for major turn offs

That's what I was wondering too. I also think that 50/50 is very fair because you do otherwise run the risk of one person paying for a meal out in an expensive place where you both eat three courses and order a bottle of wine from the bottle of the menu... versus a carvery deal on a Sunday when no one wants to cook. My parents take it in turn to pay for Sunday lunch and my mum always calls out my dad when it's his turn and he wants to go to the place where they have a 40% voucher off...! She'll say: "Fair enough if that's where you fancy Christopher, but as it'll be at least £20 cheaper than when I paid last week then we will take your car and use your fuel!"

Do an experiment- take him out for dinner and pick up the bill. See if it ever comes back your way. If not, he’s a tight arse and you need to re-evaluate the long term implications.

It's a bit weird to be splitting everything to the last penny and it would be nice if he could treat you every now and then. But it isn't clear as to whether you treat him sometimes too?

If your complaint is that he is too rigid about splitting every single bill equally even though you're an established couple, then yanbu.

If you're expecting him to treat you but not reciprocate because he is a man and you're a woman, regardless of the fact that you earn the same, then yabu.

Why not suggest you take turns planning and paying for surprise dates for eachother. That's what Dh and I do.

Of course she should. She would be more likely to treat him if he took the initiative and did it first. Like I said, I am old fashioned compared to some people.

Who says he should take the initiative though? Again that works both ways, you could just as easily say he would be more likely to treat him if she took the initiative and did it first.

When you say you moved in are you subbing his mortgage?

He dh moved in with me and we did not work it like this.

It feels grim and transactional.

One marriage and 2 kids on and knowing what I know about life and how it look post kids I would be VERY wary of the 50/50 mindset.

Kindness and Generosity were two of the key values I was looking for in a husband. While everything is 2 sides of the same coin (greatest strengths overplayed are greatest weaknesses etcetc) broadly its served me well.

I don’t have an issue with 50/50 but I’d find the splitting of a coffee and little things like that irritating. Agree with the PP, do you treat him? If not then I don’t see the issue.

As for gifts and flowers, if he’s tight like that it would bother me. I also think for birthdays and your graduation meal, he should pay.

I’d talk to him. Say you would prefer dates to alternate who pays and events that are celebrated to be paid for by the other person. Have you celebrated a birthday yet?

So what happens when you say "ive got this one. You can get the next one"?

Monzoning's a different take on friend zoning!

What part of "I am old fashioned" did you not get?

Op, what's the living situation? I am guessing he is the home owner and you have moved into his house? I think he sees this as transactional -you pay half his living expenses and he is not subsidising you in any way so everything is 50/50.

Maybe he's being frugal because he's saving towards a long term financial goal. Maybe that goal involves you, I don't know.

Being frugal is responsible, so there's a positive there. Would you rather be complaining that your bf spends money on gambling apps, boozy nights out, lads weekends away or some other expensive hobby?

Admittedly, there is some adjustments he needs to make in terms of treating you and gifting you. He needs to sometimes "take you out" which means he's treating you.

Or possibly does he have any debts he's trying to pay off?

I’d end it. For several reasons.

You’re not aligned financially. This is crucial to a successful relationship. If he has never treated you in the first 12 months then that is not going to change. This is who he is.

Ic you are paying all the bills it sounds like he owns the house you live in. Which means he is using all his money to increase his assets. And he is able to to this because you’re paying all the day to day bills. He can also kick you out with no notice and you would have no rights. That’s a really vulnerable position to be in.

Moving in after 6 months is nuts. You barely knew each other. Whose idea was that? I’m wondering if he was no keen to do that because it was to his financial advantage.

He sounds like he will expect 50-50 forever and always, no matter your respective positions. That’s not a relationship I’d want to be in.

After a year you’ve established you are not compatible long term. Time to move on.

Come on! 650 wouldn't cover all the bills and all of the food for two people.

She is getting quite a deal! And he is smart if he owns the home, they have been together 2 minutes.