Constant 50/50.... makes the spark go?

[itsallabitmuchx]

I (28 female) have been with my boyfriend (32 male) for a year. I moved in approx 6 months ago and pay 'rent' (essentially all of the bills, and the food shop) - totals approx £650 a month (if that's relevant). We earn roughly the same amount (approx. 50K each, pre tax).

Now dont get me wrong, I am not expecting luxorious gifts (far far form it) but my issue is that EVERYTHING is 50/50, always. BF may suggest a date night somewhere he wants to go, I go, assuming he may pay for this one, and, hey ho, every single time, 'we'll split this.. I'll split it with you on Monzo'. So, basically, in front of the staff and friends etc and will pay for it then Monzo me to split it. I have gone along with this and whilst I've felt a bit taken aback about it I convinced myself I may be being entitled and that it is actually 'fair'.

However, the longer this has gone on, frankly, the longer I am loathing it. He has never once bought me flowers, a take-away etc, everything is split. I then feel really confused and hurt when friends get taken out for dinner by their BF who pays and they cant believe that my boyfriend doesn't. I am starting to feel a little put off by it in all honesty. Our anniversary dinner is coming up and no doubt we will split this. I also graduated with a PHD last year - we went for dinner the two of us.. again, split it.

On the odd (very rare) occasion he has bought us both coffee when we are out - he goes 'you buy the next ones' - which I then pay for the week after.

AIBU? Am I being entitled here? Would you feel the same? I feel a bit resentful and starting to question the relationship.

If he owns it then he's massively winning out of this arrangement. He gets all of his food and bills paid for while he invests in an asset which is entirely his. Also he sounds like a total tightwad

This doesn't make sense to me. £500 wouldn't even get me a room in a house where I am, why shouldn't someone have to contribute?

I think if you are buying him dinner sometimes he definitely should return the favour.

What does he say when you treat him? Does he thank you?

Exactly. His living costs have gone down and OP would be better off paying towards her own mortgage or a joint one.
Splitting every bill would annoy me as well. Especially if he suggested the date. But it’s more the fact that the boyfriend is accruing an asset whereas OP is not.

You need to stop buying all his bills and food. You should pay - half the bills, half the food shop and half the mortgage interest. This is like ‘rent’ (of course this might end up being more though so check that out first!)

I bet she does a lot more chores etc than a man would though

I bet she does a lot more chores etc than a man would though

Chores aren't going to paying my bills...

Splitting everything 50/50 would annoy me especially in restaurants. I just want to leave and find it embarrassing to sit there nit picking when it could be sorted out later. That being said I wouldn't expect to be treated regularly either. I’d prefer a more informal exchange in your situation. Keeping tabs on every £ spent seems like hard work.

Have you ever treated him to anything without accepting or expecting something in return? Have you tried talking to him about making a more flexible arrangement? Just explain that making the relationship so transactional is ruining the romance. I do think it works both ways though it’s unfair to suggest such a change if you just want him to buy you stuff.

I know, if’s the way how he approaches this does sound mean so I don’t think it’s about if OP treats him or not.

You’re a year in
no kids
no joint mortgage

run for the hills

imagine how this would look if you had kids together and were on maternity leave - you’d have to explain every penny to him - no thanks! 🙂‍↔️

@Numberedout but doesn’t the term ‘old fashioned’ imply that your way of thinking is outdated?

If he’s 50/50 on the housework too then I think it’s fair and good. If you do the bill of the housework then fuck that I’d take umbrage because it’s not full equality it’s benifits g him

Agreed …

I think it's the tit-for-tat nature of it that is off-putting. I would find it very unattractive too.

How much does he pay towards household bills and rent?

I think 50:50 at this level of regimented behaviour is exhausting. You earn similar so there's no reason you shouldn't be paying equally, but where's the job in treating someone or getting them a gift... . on both sides. NOt just him to you.

In this situation I would have a joint account and each transfer in the same amount to be used for these purchases.
Habe you discussed the future and what would happen if you had children. It sounds like you would end up being one of those women who goes into debt to keep paying her half whilst on mat leave.

She earns 50k too.

It sounds fair enough to me.

I think the watching the pennies viewpoint does get tedious. I do earn more than DH and I will pay for things I want to do eg I want to take the children to a family festival next year and he was unsure so I am paying for that. Sometimes he will pay for some things like he bought us theatre tickets for wicked. Other times we will split things like pumpkin picking, I paid the admission (it was a farm park set up with soft and adventure play and a maze etc.) around £30 and he paid the pumpkins around £12. We take turns putting fuel in the car regardless of who has used it the most. Sometimes we will do 50/50 if one of us feels passionate about it. However we tend to treat things as it will all work out even ish in the end and it usually does.

however, neither of us would expect the other to pay a percentage of a meal / take away / celebration that was for our own birthday or achievement etc.

I will say though that DH does buy me flowers or a nice bottle of wine as a treat on a semi regular basis. I also buy him little things I think he will like too like shortbread usually.

It was madness to move in with him after only 6 months, it sounds like the honeymoon period has worn off and you’re seeing the reality of the relationship. Nothing wrong with splitting 50/50 but it’s clearly not the kind of relationship you want. Next time get to actually know your boyfriend before moving in with him!

Is the housework split evenly? The cooking? Is the sex split evenly, really truly evenly, because if it's not, he owes you. Are the television shows split evenly? Laundry? Putting gas in the car? Insurance? Health? Who takes the time out of their day to go to the grocery store and other supply runs? Who makes the plans? Who organizes holiday activities? Who juggles the schedules, makes time to see friends and family? Who makes repairs? To be 50/50 you need to be truly 50/50 in everything, so are you?

Yikes. This sounds too transactional and unromantic for a relationship that is barely a year old.
I can understand splitting living costs but insisting on splitting everything 50/50, especially a special occasion dinner would give me the ick. Your friends obviously think it’s odd. He’s not making you feel special or cherished and you should be in the honeymoon phase still . Would really be rethinking this one if I were you.

I think, considering you earn similar amounts, things should be 50/50. However I wouldn’t like the constant bill splitting, I’d rather just take turns. My boyfriend and I have naturally (as in, we never discussed this and laid it out as a rule, it just happened organically) got into a rhythm of, when we are out with friends or family, he pays for us. And when it’s just the two of us, I pay. It works out about equal.

Interested to know as well if you ever fancy treating him, or just expect him to treat you?

Yeah i’d find this very tight. He can’t even buy you a meal to celebrate a PHD. That’s not good.

Yes i agree

He's a dick. Realistically, yes, there should be a fair split. But when you live with someone you love this is not what it should look like, it should be more organic and more good natured. You both should fall over themselves trying to treat each other, do something nice and share money. Not asking your partner to transfer half of celebration dinner in front of family and friends. Imagine having kids with this character... or falling ill and not being able to work. Fuck that. Greed and tight fist-ness is never attractive.