Constant 50/50.... makes the spark go?

[itsallabitmuchx]

I (28 female) have been with my boyfriend (32 male) for a year. I moved in approx 6 months ago and pay 'rent' (essentially all of the bills, and the food shop) - totals approx £650 a month (if that's relevant). We earn roughly the same amount (approx. 50K each, pre tax).

Now dont get me wrong, I am not expecting luxorious gifts (far far form it) but my issue is that EVERYTHING is 50/50, always. BF may suggest a date night somewhere he wants to go, I go, assuming he may pay for this one, and, hey ho, every single time, 'we'll split this.. I'll split it with you on Monzo'. So, basically, in front of the staff and friends etc and will pay for it then Monzo me to split it. I have gone along with this and whilst I've felt a bit taken aback about it I convinced myself I may be being entitled and that it is actually 'fair'.

However, the longer this has gone on, frankly, the longer I am loathing it. He has never once bought me flowers, a take-away etc, everything is split. I then feel really confused and hurt when friends get taken out for dinner by their BF who pays and they cant believe that my boyfriend doesn't. I am starting to feel a little put off by it in all honesty. Our anniversary dinner is coming up and no doubt we will split this. I also graduated with a PHD last year - we went for dinner the two of us.. again, split it.

On the odd (very rare) occasion he has bought us both coffee when we are out - he goes 'you buy the next ones' - which I then pay for the week after.

AIBU? Am I being entitled here? Would you feel the same? I feel a bit resentful and starting to question the relationship.

I wouldn't like it. What does he say when you ask him about it?

You sound like roommates and it sounds awful.

If this was gender reversed these replies would be VERY different.

However, the longer this has gone on, frankly, the longer I am loathing it. He has never once bought me flowers, a take-away etc, everything is split.

How often do you pay for him?

I’m struggling to understand how you pay for him and he doesn’t pay for you and you don’t say anything.

I sort of understand every day things (even then I’m struggling) but things like taking you out for dinner is a treat and shouldn’t be so one sided.

How is it going to be when you have kids?

Playing devils advocate though, you’ve not mentioned about paying for him and so perhaps you have taken the mick in the past.

What stands out for me is that you can’t communicate with each other and that’s the biggest red flag.

Do not have kids.

Let me guess. He owns the house, you're helping to pay off his mortgage and he gets free sex and free cleaning to boot. And you have no entitlement to the assets when you split as you're not married.
Run OP, he's using you.
Even if the above is not quite the story, this gives me a really bad feeling and I don't think he respects you.

He’s the only one of them who will own the house at the end though?!?
standard way I thought was that whoever owns the house pays fir mortgage and upkeep as that’s their asset. After that, all the bills should be split 50/50.
not the whole lot!

You're not being entitled, I would have thought he could have treated you to dinner when you got your PHD! (Congratulations by the way!). I think day to day splitting things is fair, but if he's suggesting to go out then it would be nice if you were treated occasionally. It must feel quite tedious.

Mine wouldn't!

Very unattractive and stingy. Not saying the man (or whoever) needs to pay for everything but I would hate to feel like every coffee or date is on a spreadsheet.

If it were a girlfriend obsessively splitting every expense including her partner's celebration dinner? While he pays all the expenses and food in a house that she owns? And the threat of him having to stay home with the kids and forfeit earning power looms ahead? Don't think so.

DH and Ihave a rule that whoever has suggested the meal out or takeaway pays for it. However if it’s my birthday or our anniversary he pays. If it’s his birthday I pay.

You both earn the same so why should he buy you extra treats. Because he's a man?

He's making a profit off you at the moment. You're like a lodger than he doesn't need and extra bedroom for and he gets to sleep with.

I would always caution against joint accounts

So you two were so eager to share bills, you blew through the dating stage and now you'll have to upend your life to get out of this mess.
Did you date at all? This stinginess must have been evident then.

Do you ever treat him or pay for his birthday meal?
maybe he is taking his cues from you.
It does all sound rather joyless ,
I'm not sure I’d want to be with someone like that.

It sounds like you're expecting him to treat you just because he's a man? You don't mention treating him or wanting to treat him.

If you are paying for things like his birthday meals, buying him the odd treat etc but you aren't getting anything in return like your PHD meal then that's fair enough but if you're expecting him to treat you without also treating him then YABU.

Ooh so serious and calculated! We've tended to say oh this my treat, then the other does. Hi, got us a takeaway/bought some nice dinner food/your favourite wine. Where is the mutual wanting to make the partner happy and feel special in your relationship? Little gifts, surprises and treats should be a desired thing to do and basically natural. Xx

A joint tertiary account for specific expenses can actually be great. Not merging finances entirely or pooling savings, but having an account that each person contributes to monthly for agreed-on joint expenses like dinners out together or routine household purchases. It's low risk and can provide some information on how a partner will treat shared funds. If you're not married the balance should never be more than you're happy to walk away from if the relationship ends.

Joint credit cards outside of marriage are an absolute no, though.

Do you treat him? Eg on his birthday, celebrating a promotion or award at work etc?

DH and I would have always just sort of alternated in a relaxed way e.g

"I'll get this one"
"I think you paid at the Red Lion, i'll pay tonight"
"Must be my round surely, are you on another white wine or can i tempt you to a prosecco?"

I earned more than him the first 6 or so years together then it was almost identical, then now he earns more, but we both earn well so no ones stressing over who paid last.

Have you actually talked about this with him? If not then YABU because he's not a mind reader. If you're thinking this is a long term relationship then you both really need to get in the habit of talking things through.

Surely the obvious question is have you treated him? And if not why not if it's so important to you

Is your accomodation rented or owned? If he owns it then he's massively winning out of this arrangement. He gets all of his food and bills paid for while he invests in an asset which is entirely his. Also he sounds like a total tightwad

I wouldn't have my boyfriend move in with me, contribute just £650 a month & treat him unless he treated me frequently 🤷🏻‍♀️

50/50 overall is a fine aspiration given your situation but I have literally never split a meal with my DP. We have kids now but even from day 1, I mean never. We’d broadly take it in turns when we were dating and he might choose slightly more expensive venues than me because he earned more st the time. Your situation sounds joyless and unromantic.