Constant 50/50.... makes the spark go?

[itsallabitmuchx]

I (28 female) have been with my boyfriend (32 male) for a year. I moved in approx 6 months ago and pay 'rent' (essentially all of the bills, and the food shop) - totals approx £650 a month (if that's relevant). We earn roughly the same amount (approx. 50K each, pre tax).

Now dont get me wrong, I am not expecting luxorious gifts (far far form it) but my issue is that EVERYTHING is 50/50, always. BF may suggest a date night somewhere he wants to go, I go, assuming he may pay for this one, and, hey ho, every single time, 'we'll split this.. I'll split it with you on Monzo'. So, basically, in front of the staff and friends etc and will pay for it then Monzo me to split it. I have gone along with this and whilst I've felt a bit taken aback about it I convinced myself I may be being entitled and that it is actually 'fair'.

However, the longer this has gone on, frankly, the longer I am loathing it. He has never once bought me flowers, a take-away etc, everything is split. I then feel really confused and hurt when friends get taken out for dinner by their BF who pays and they cant believe that my boyfriend doesn't. I am starting to feel a little put off by it in all honesty. Our anniversary dinner is coming up and no doubt we will split this. I also graduated with a PHD last year - we went for dinner the two of us.. again, split it.

On the odd (very rare) occasion he has bought us both coffee when we are out - he goes 'you buy the next ones' - which I then pay for the week after.

AIBU? Am I being entitled here? Would you feel the same? I feel a bit resentful and starting to question the relationship.

Me too. There are few things more unattractive than a tight man.

He does sound a little mean to me but if you spend only £650 on all the bills you have a good deal.

My bf and I both normally offer to pay, we never split it and he would always pay if I let him. But I try to treat him about half the time and while he normally prefers to pay he understands that my previos partner was very financially abusive and I need to have some independence in that area. He also knows I earn less then him and I'm a single parent so wants to treat me so he probably pays about 80% of the time when we go out as he insists on paying for the more expensive stuff and lets me pay for the cofees and book/charity shop dates and cheaper tickets. However I normally cook when we eat in and I make sure he has the little things he doesn't think about that he needs or needs to plan and it works great for us.

You are being used by a mean man.
Likely building his asset while he has a mug pay his living expenses.
He won't change.
Quietly make arrangements, don't discuss anything with him , and move out.

You are wasting your time.
Don't be a convenience.

He’s a beta male. Get rid of Mr No Balls
asap, move out like tomorrow and find a real man. How you even put up with this disgusting situation is beyond me. This is not a sustainable relationship as you basically aren’t with a real man. Stop wasting your youth on this pathetic beta male and find someone who will actually pay on dates and treat you like a woman. That’s not called being a gold digger to any keyboard warrior who may suggest otherwise. It’s called having standards. Ironically it’s the men who have no gold to dig that are always worried about the gold diggers.

Anyway imagine having a baby and going on maternity leave and having to ‘split’ the cost of looking after your baby on basic maternity pay. Ew. Get rid.

Yeah, it's messed up. But more to the point why are you paying 'rent' - bills, food etc? Is the place a rental? If not you should get on the deeds, split the mortgage payment, and get some equity in the place. They split remaining bills equally. Otherwise when you split he'll probably have the property and you will have... nothing. (I say when, not if, because he sounds miserable and mean).

They have only been together for a year and living together for 6 months. Going on the deeds so soon is a terrible idea.

"I’d rather just take turns."

Same here much more casual and loving.

OP didn't like that when it was done with coffees though so seems he can't win.

It's not that she wants it to be unequal it's just that she wishes sometimes she got more and he paid for it without having to return the favour

It's not worse than anything else in that timeline. But to be clear, I'd dump, not double down...

I think 50/50 with household expenses is fine but for discretionary spends you should treat each other . It wouldn’t give me a warm fuzzy feeling at all if he’s constantly balancing the books

If it was OP's house, no one would be advising her to allow a man who has lived with her for just 6 months to be put on the deeds.

I’m thinking ahead, what would he be like if you had a baby in the future? You could be left in a very precarious uncomfortable position if you wanted to look after the baby yourself rather than rush back to work.

So is the meal split 50-50 if you have eg three courses including alcohol, and he just has a salad (or vice versa)? Very tight of him if it always works in his favour!

You are a lodger with benefits

OP has not been back. So many assumptions and predictions on this thread . They don’t have children, she is not on mat leave. They both earn the same and everything his split 50/50. Sounds fair to me.

So is he paying the mortgage and you're paying all the bills but have no right to his property? That's a very good deal for him isn't it?

Get rid before kids!!

Totally agreed!

That sounds to me a loving relationship!

Why would she have any right to his property after only living in it for 6 months?

Lots of people have already asked, but do you treat him @itsallabitmuchx?

This may just be how he thinks about money. You mention that he doesn't insist on splitting small stuff like coffees, just larger things like date nights. I'm not sure what having the opinions of a load of unrelated women will do for you - surely the only relevant parties are you and your boyfriend, and unless you speak to him to tell him what you want and find out what he wants, you aren't going to get any useful progress.

I finished a relationship mainly because of this - and like you it wasn't because I expected the man to pay, it just felt so unromantic and transactional. My last date, we took turns buying drinks and then I fancied some chips, bought his as well and then when we went to get another drink, he said it was my turn. He was actually a really nice guy and I really don't think he was being mean but it just killed the attraction.

Woah that was a bit petty of you.

Not only stingy but lazy and a very blatant attempt to get you back to his afterwards. Glad you didn’t fall for it.