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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Constant 50/50.... makes the spark go?

177 replies

itsallabitmuchx · 28/10/2025 15:59

I (28 female) have been with my boyfriend (32 male) for a year. I moved in approx 6 months ago and pay 'rent' (essentially all of the bills, and the food shop) - totals approx £650 a month (if that's relevant). We earn roughly the same amount (approx. 50K each, pre tax).

Now dont get me wrong, I am not expecting luxorious gifts (far far form it) but my issue is that EVERYTHING is 50/50, always. BF may suggest a date night somewhere he wants to go, I go, assuming he may pay for this one, and, hey ho, every single time, 'we'll split this.. I'll split it with you on Monzo'. So, basically, in front of the staff and friends etc and will pay for it then Monzo me to split it. I have gone along with this and whilst I've felt a bit taken aback about it I convinced myself I may be being entitled and that it is actually 'fair'.

However, the longer this has gone on, frankly, the longer I am loathing it. He has never once bought me flowers, a take-away etc, everything is split. I then feel really confused and hurt when friends get taken out for dinner by their BF who pays and they cant believe that my boyfriend doesn't. I am starting to feel a little put off by it in all honesty. Our anniversary dinner is coming up and no doubt we will split this. I also graduated with a PHD last year - we went for dinner the two of us.. again, split it.

On the odd (very rare) occasion he has bought us both coffee when we are out - he goes 'you buy the next ones' - which I then pay for the week after.

AIBU? Am I being entitled here? Would you feel the same? I feel a bit resentful and starting to question the relationship.

OP posts:
FamBae · 28/10/2025 16:36

Agree with PP be very careful having kids, he'll probably expect you to pay 50/50 even when your not earning. I hope he does 50/50 of the household chores, if not bill him.

Sholderpad · 28/10/2025 16:37

I don't think it bodes well for the future. It's not very classy. But also you're going head first into being that position of paying all the bills but having no equity whilst he is happily building his wealth, enabled by you. Why, with your education, would you not plan better for your future? It seems mad.

Realityvbelief · 28/10/2025 16:40

Why do you need to tell us your boyfriend is a male ? I don't know about anyone else but I think I could have worked that out for myself.

Chazbots · 28/10/2025 16:42

Someone who knows the cost of everything & the value of nothing.

Defo don't have DC until this is ironed out.

MoFadaCromulent · 28/10/2025 16:42

Your upcoming anniversary dinner would be a good chance for you to be the change you want to see in the world and treat him.

Change the dynamic yourself

CalmTheFuckDownMargaret · 28/10/2025 16:42

Well, it’s entirely fair and balanced which is better than him being a freeloading cocklodger but yes, to be splitting things as small as coffees when you live together is extreme and shows he’s concerned of losing out on a few pounds. It’s tight, isn’t it. These men are often a nightmare when it comes to maternity leave / part-time work etc. It all becomes about ‘my money’ and ‘your money’ and watching what you spend and giving you allowances like a child. I think it probably works for now as you earn the same but if you ever find yourselves with different incomes is he going to do something ridiculous like split your shop-bought lunch 45:55?

Lovelynames123 · 28/10/2025 16:46

I find this tight. I am more than happy to pay my way but I do appreciate a man treating me. 50/50 is not romantic, at all, and I wouldn't like it.

I recently had a second date with someone, he chose a restaurant within walking distance of his, I got a taxi both ways, then he wanted to go halves on the meal. Really put me off and no 3rd date!

GardenGaff · 28/10/2025 16:47

Sholderpad · 28/10/2025 16:37

I don't think it bodes well for the future. It's not very classy. But also you're going head first into being that position of paying all the bills but having no equity whilst he is happily building his wealth, enabled by you. Why, with your education, would you not plan better for your future? It seems mad.

I think £650 a month all in, including food, is a pretty sweet deal. No maintenance or upkeep costs and plenty left over from a 50k salary for the OP to save and/or buy to let her own property. She must be taking home over 3k a month.

Createausername1970 · 28/10/2025 16:48

50/50 is fine, generally, and if you do stay with this chap long term, then I suggest a joint account that you both pay an equal amount into, so any meals, coffees etc come from there.

But, also long term - what happens when you have kids, are you still expected to pay 50/50 when you are on mat leave?

Having said all that I find it deeply unattractive that you had to pay half of your own celebration meal. I like to treat my DH spontaneously and I like to be treated the same in return.

FastTurtle · 28/10/2025 16:48

Does he own the property if so are you saving for a place of your own?

The 50/50 wouldn’t bother me but the him paying the bill as if he’s treating you would. Is there any way you’d prefer to do it such as you both pay into a socialising kitty each month and meals come out of that?

OpheliaNightingale · 28/10/2025 16:48

@itsallabitmuchx he sounds like the kind of man that would expect you to put your share of the bills on a credit card whilst taking unpaid maternity leave. Or expect you to contribute exactly half of the household bills whilst working part time to raise a family. Or the kind of man that had a certain view of women..’gold diggers’ springs to mind. And he’s going to make damn sure he’s not taken advantage of by you. The problem is, he’s treating you like a mate isn’t he? And where’s the romance in that?

CarpetKnees · 28/10/2025 16:49

I think YANBU to not want to live like this

I think YABU to have let it go on for a year and not felt able to have a conversation about it.

One suggestion might be you have a joint account. Both pay in the same amount - covers all your bills and rent, insurances etc - and also things like meals out together. That way, one of you just pays on the night without it seeming so transactional, but both of you in reality are paying your own way.

Separately from that you should both treat each other sometimes - your PhD meal, birthdays, "just because...." - and those things should come from your own separate money, because it is nice to get someone flowers, or that 'thing' they have been hankering after, or something you just 'saw and thought of them'. That's just a nice thing to do for someone you care about.

TheSmallAssassin · 28/10/2025 16:49

When we were first dating we would generally get rounds if it was a drink or split the bill if it was a meal, but we'd treat each other on special occasions or if one of us was in a generous mood (or we'd had a bonus or something!)

Now it comes out of our joint account mostly for meals, or drinks or cinema tickets. For gigs one of us will often pay for the other unless it's a band we're both keen on.

It seems a bit tight to never treat each other - but it should go both ways! Your anniversary meal is a joint celebration so I don't see why he should necessarily be the one to treat you.

landlordhell · 28/10/2025 16:51

Why should he pay for you? Because you’re a woman? Do you treat him?
If he took you out for your celebration meal , as in he said he wanted to take you out, I’d expect him to pay but if you planned it together I wouldn’t. You have to decide if this is a deal breaker but it sounds like equality.

eqpi4t2hbsnktd · 28/10/2025 16:52

I like paying for my DP sometimes - he likes treating me. It's all pointless as our money goes into the same pot but it's the show of affection. The effort.

Sholderpad · 28/10/2025 16:53

GardenGaff · 28/10/2025 16:47

I think £650 a month all in, including food, is a pretty sweet deal. No maintenance or upkeep costs and plenty left over from a 50k salary for the OP to save and/or buy to let her own property. She must be taking home over 3k a month.

Show quote history

In five years she might not if she has dc. She could have much less or no income or be paying nursery fees.

FateAmenableToChange · 28/10/2025 16:54

I cant stand billy big balls who make a show of paying in the restaurant and then when no one is looking ask for your 'half'. Usually they order the steak and loads of drinks too, and then expect you to pay half when yours was much less. It means they want to pretend to be the 'man' and no doubt will throw their weight around in the relationship because of being the 'man'. So you get all the downside and none of the upside. Post modern patriarchy - eating all the cake and getting her to pay half.

CombatBarbie · 28/10/2025 16:55

GardenGaff · 28/10/2025 16:47

I think £650 a month all in, including food, is a pretty sweet deal. No maintenance or upkeep costs and plenty left over from a 50k salary for the OP to save and/or buy to let her own property. She must be taking home over 3k a month.

Show quote history

Its really not, ill bet if any jobs need doing hell be expecting 50/50

Op why are you paying all the bills? Thats not right. If hes mortgaged and protecting his asset then he pays that and 50% of the bills. Maybe offer a token "rent" amount.

He sounds like a drip tbh, I would have got the ick way before now.

mumofoneAloneandwell · 28/10/2025 16:56

I would rather be single than with such a man

Ltb babe xxx

GardenGaff · 28/10/2025 16:56

Sholderpad · 28/10/2025 16:53

In five years she might not if she has dc. She could have much less or no income or be paying nursery fees.

Show quote history

Well yeah she’d be stupid to have children with him under this arrangement, that would be something to discuss before having children.

But for now, like I said, it’s a sweet deal. I know I couldn’t find anywhere to live for £650 all in.

CuriousKangaroo · 28/10/2025 17:01

I think 50/50 is fair when you earn the same amount. I like being independent and paying my own way.

What I would find a bit much is splitting every cost 50/50 on the spot. Taking turns is a much nicer way to approach things as it would feel less transactional and formal. Maybe suggest that?

Jellybunny56 · 28/10/2025 17:04

How many times have you treated him?

landlordhell · 28/10/2025 17:08

She doesn’t say he’s acting the big man in front of friends. It’s easier to pay then split afterwards. Why don’t you pay and split it with him after? Why are you expecting him to pay for you? I presume he pays for your birthday or Christmas present?

Numberedout · 28/10/2025 17:11

I'm a bit more old fashioned than a lot on here so I will say that he should definitely treat you occasionally to a meal or flowers. He earns £50k for god's sake.

Also, buying someone a meal is a language of love in my opinion.

landlordhell · 28/10/2025 17:12

Numberedout · 28/10/2025 17:11

I'm a bit more old fashioned than a lot on here so I will say that he should definitely treat you occasionally to a meal or flowers. He earns £50k for god's sake.

Also, buying someone a meal is a language of love in my opinion.

But so does she earn 50k. Does she treat him?