Moving in with partner- pay £400 rent? Is that ok?

[Susan7654]

My partner and I are both single parents and have been together for five years. We’ve decided to move in together at his house. I’ve been renting until now.

His daughter (19) works full-time and pays him £300 a month as she’s no longer in education. My daughter is 18 and still in college.

He earns £52,000 a year ( mortgage around £1400pcm) and I earn £28,000. I’d like to contribute fairly to the household, but I’m not sure how much is reasonable. Of course, I’ll pay for food, bills, and my own expenses.

I was thinking around £400 a month rent, plus half of the household bills, in addition to covering my food and personal costs.

Does that sound fair, or should I contribute more (or less)?
We didnt discussit yet. His daughter expects my daughter to pay too same amount, as she wants it to be fair. My daughter only works part time.
In that case should I pay £600?
I didnt discuss it with him yet as I dont know whats right and I tend to be overgenerous and than regret...
We are engaged but not planning on marrying anytime soon. We first want to try it out, see how it goes.

If your previous rent was £900, why not pay £450 rent, so that you save £450, and he gains £450. Then half of bills, which will likely be cheaper that 100% of bills that you were previously paying. Your rent should cover your DD for the time being.

When your DD is working and able to contribute, I'd say that you, your DD and his DD should each pay £300 rent, and you and DP split the bills 50/50, with each of you deciding if you want to recharge some of your half of bills to your own child or not.

I think that you are being unrealistic if you think £100 more per month for 2 rooms than his daughter pays for one is fair.

I presume he is giving his daughter subsidised rates? If so, and your daughter needs her living costs subsidised then you should be making up the difference, not your partner. Equally, if you think your daughter should pay less than his DD because working part time, then it is up to you to subsidise it, not your partner. If he is not giving subsidised rates to his daughter, he should not be giving it to yours either. So if the rate for a room is £300 plus bills, that it is the same rate for your DD (how you choose to split that cost between you is up to you and your DD).

Or, he can cut the cost for his dad and yours, given he will have extra income from you and DD paying him rent.

Even at £600 plus bills you will still be cutting your costs substantially from £900 rent, plus bills.

I think you are wrong to expect to zero housing costs. If I were him, I would be very suspicious of your motives. You think you should pay absolutely nothing towards the cost if the roof over your head? Really? If you rent, you pay the cost of the home, not just the cost of living there. This is the same. I agree, less than market rate because you aren’t renting in the traditional sense. But you aren’t “paying his mortgage”, you are paying for you and your DD to live there. Although I can absolutely see why not having any rent to pay at all is very attractive to you.

you should pay towards council tax, utilities and food, of course. You should not pay for costs of repairs/maintenance or white goods etc. only for furniture which you want (e.g. for your DD’s room and her use, which can be taken with her if/when she moves).

Its harsh thinking I have motives. I wanted to buy a house together as I am able to put down same amount as he can ( after selling his house). But he refused.
So if he prefers to build equity on his own while I dont, than thats not fair.
And if he doesnt like my proposal than its fine, I am able to buy on my own.

I do it as its in his best interest not mine. So he might not like it as much if I say I wont pay his rent. And that would be telling.

This thread opened my eyes how naive I was. Its harsh out there if you dont look after yourself you risk not only your future but your childs too.

OP

On what basis are you moving in? Because that sets the tone for all the subsequent discussions and agreements. are you going to be...

A lodger (no agreement, can be chucked out at any time)
A tenant (with a tenancy agreement)
A casual girlfriend (who can leave whenever she wants but has little say in the household finances)
A fiancé (with a promise and expectation of becoming...)
A wife (so presumably equals, on the deeds, going to inherit when he dies)?

How can you 'try it out to see if it works' when you don't know what you are trying out?

You nailed it. Thats exactly what I am trying to establish with him. I was a fiance. But he is worried I will leave him, and uses it as an excuse not to get married. I broke up with him once - for a good reason and not on a whim, he appologize. I still have a ring. Told him yesterday that in that case I better give it back. He got upset.
I am not crazy about getting martied, it was his idea. But I told him how upsetting it is for me that he uses breakup as argument to not get married.

To be considered a potential wife and than not- its hurtful.
He doesnt see a problem here and says that if everything is ok we will get married.
We have been almost 6 years together so if he is not sure now than he wont be ever.

He thinks he is VERY fair and I am unreasonable having a problem with it.

OP, after your most recent post I am even more concerned about you moving in with him. You've actually said that he's bad with money, so why, oh why, would you want to live with someone who is likely to be taking financial advantage of you? Also, the fact that he took it personally when you suggested you give it a month's trial run, would be ringing alarm bells for me, as he was obviously hoping you were going to move straight in, and start paying up, but then realised if he continued to sulk about it, you might not move in at all, so he'd be kissing your money goodbye, hence the about turn.

You also seem to have increased the amount you're going to pay him quite considerably since your original thoughts of paying £400, has he been giving you a sob story?

Why should she be paying for his adult daughter’s share of bills and food?

You will lose your child benefit which if your daughter stays in education till 21 will carry on, reduction in council tax for being a single parent, universal credit help etc - stay where you are!!!

Because in this model he will be paying for half the OP’s DD’s food!

You’re very foolish to move in with someone who’s bad with money. And tight.

Sounds like you're finally beginning to see that moving in with him isn't a good move for you OP, which is a relief, as I was beginning to wonder whether you were well and truly going to ruin your future by making this move. My advice? Buy your own house, and continue seeing him, or not, but don't move in together, he sounds much too selfish, and not a good bet if he can't handle his finances sensibly.

Also, if you buy your own place, you are hopefully setting up some sort of inheritance for your daughter in years to come, but if you move in with him, you'll just be adding to his kid's inheritance, and your poor daughter will be left high and dry. Of course no one can guarantee an inheritance, but putting money into property is usually a fairly safe bet long term, and even if it all goes to pay care home fees when you get old, it's better than having nothing to fall back on, which is what you'll have if you move in with this guy, and pay him rent year after year!

This sounds like a recipe for disaster!

Their main driver here is that they need someone to replace the son/brother in order to be able to afford the mortgage.

Of course they're keen- they'll have to sell otherwise.

Please OP, give your head a shake. They don't want you for you.

''I definitely want to move in as I am lonely and have been single parent for so long.''

OP. that is an absolutely shocking reason to move in with someone.

A disaster waiting to happen.
A mean man that is shit with money.
Another woman who has to learn shit the hard way🙄.

I think if it goes well after (at least a month’s) trial then you could maybe go onto the mortgage/deeds and you could then look to make sure any profit/equity at that point was ring-fenced for him. Or buying a new place together. Either way you can both contribute half of everything by having a joint account for household bills/mortgage (into which you each pay half of the required amount that covers mortgage and bills each month) and keep remaining money separate. You could also have a ‘holidays and other stuff’ account you share (and pay a set amount in each, monthly. And don’t pY more for stuff. Then you can take money off kids who are earning and put it into the joint account (towards food and bills). If he isn’t keen to do that then I think you’d be better off buying your own place and not combining households. It’s a tough one @Abracadabrador

My plan is to pay in £600 each for food/etc for us and girls. Thats £1200 a month should be ok.
Plus I will pay around £180 per month for half of the bills.
And knowing me i will spend so much more of my own money for house improvements and nesting lol But I know that would be money lost if we split. So I will just do it not expecting getting money back

Madness

Add on top of that a self confessed lonely woman who describes her soon to be step daughter a brat.

This whole plan has success written all over it 🙄 it’s like watching an imminent car crash and all you can do is drop your jaw.

OP have you discussed household chores etc once you all move in together as a family of 4?

How on earth have you reached a conclusion of £600 each so far £1200 for food plus extra for bills, but at same time seem to have seen the light on not paying towards his mortgage as you'd have no rights to equity???

That just doesn't make sense, in no way can you and your daughter total £1200 for food a month, that's a huge amount! How much do you pay for food for the 2 of you at your house now?

Well you need to sort out the relationship before you make any other decisions. You say you’re not crazy about getting married - but you are really hurt that he’s pulled back from it? He basically wants a lodger with benefits, for now, and he’s holding out a carrot of maybe something more in the future. And you want… what? It’s really not clear what you want out of this relationship 🤷‍♀️ or what you are getting from it atm. This is about you - you are the one who’d going to be living with the financial and emotional consequences long term here - not your DD and not his DD.

maybe take some time to think about where you want to be in 5-10 years. And whether this relationship is taking you in the right direction?

This trial move in would be beginning of a great future or the end of relationship. I dont want to keep dating not knowing if we have a future together. Its hard to know a person even after 5 years- by just dating and having nice time.

All the difficult bits come out in every day life. I love dating and its fun and only happy moments.
But I want a partner I can live with. Dating is not for me long term. I think its great for some people but I prefer every day life together.

We want to get a cleaner to clean bathrooms and kitchen. It will spare us resentment cleaning after girls. I will have talk about finances with him soon.
He called next day after we spoke about trial and appologised for his reaction and is totally on board with this idea.
We will see how it pans out. But I dont risk much, just a hastle of move and a bit of money. But it will be worh knowing if to keep going or move on.

So .... does he want you to move on to offset his reduction in income when his son moves out or does he genuinely want you and a blended family?
It does sound as though he wants you as a way of balancing his books and its either you or a lodger!
And you also say you are not sure why his finances should be a problem in his income.
Frankly it all sounds a bit dodgy ...

Move in , not on ..