To not want to host in-laws at Christmas (sorry!) again this year?

[Nant90]

I know it's October but this is being discussed now.

We have hosted them every year since we got together - mil, fil (they're not together anymore but amicable), sil and often an aunt too. I am low contact with my parents and come from a small family and would like a Christmas just with dh and dc. His family are fine but I don't massively enjoy their company and feel the day centres around them and what they want rather than our own family.

The thing that really grates is that dh has always claimed not to care about his Christmas, that his family don't, that it's 'ridiculous and over the top the way people go on about it,' yet it seems it's unthinkable not to have his family here for the day?! I love Christmas and spend a lot of the time making the house look nice, doing activities with the dc, wrapping gifts etc. Nothing major really, but important to me. His family seem to have no respect for any of that - last year I had laid and decorated the table (it looked lovely!) and they arrived and dumped a load of carrier bags on it, pushing all the settings out of the way. It's stuff like that - not major in the scheme of things, but annoying.

They also make endless comments about how many gifts the dc get. I honestly think we are at the lower end of what people get their dc - we spend around £100 each (not exact), which includes everything and some gifts are books/clothes and I also get stuff secondhand. My parents, mil, fil and sil are the only other people to buy them anything and spend around £15 max each, which is fine but I hardly think my kids are therefore spoilt, but it's endless comments all day: 'Another present!' 'Look at all these toys!' On and on - it gets right on my nerves- so tedious. This is then followed by more comments about how much the dc eat - 'they're gannets!' 'Can you really eat ALL that?' then culminating in ds2 being described as a 'fat child,' and that being why he looks cute in his clothes - he was two. I also wouldn't mind if they came for a few hours - for lunch basically, but despite being told to arrive around midday they have started coming at around 10 and stay up until kids' bedtime - 7-7.30. It's too much.

Anyway, it was mentioned this week and I brought it up today, tentatively suggesting we could maybe just be home alone this year and see people on Boxing Day, and dh has completely shut it down. It's like it's ridiculous to even consider it and most of annoying of all, he said, 'What else would we be doing?' which is so hurtful. These are the people for whom Christmas is apparently 'no big deal,' so why do we have to host them every sodding year?

Wow @Nocookiesforme I think you have nailed it. Which is difficult as obviously it's not a simple case of who gets to decide who comes for Christmas lunch.

People have asked whether he has his way over everything - he doesn't, but it is definitely family-linked whenever we clash and disagree about something. A major example was when she insisted on 'treating' us to a holiday (pre-kids) but actually only wanted us there as her flaky partner had dropped out and she didn't want to miss out. Accommodation was free from her friend anyway and she paid for our flights but it involved unpaid time off work for me (was temping at the time), dh wasn;t working at the time, and our spending money as well as kennel costs for our dog. It was very last minute and we ended up £££ out of pocket and I was meant to feel grateful too! I should have stuck to my guns but dh was all 'what's wrong with you - it's a free holiday,' (it wasn't) and again, 'you just don't like my mum.'

To be fair, since we have had kids he has been better and does agree with me about some of the daft things she comes out with. He won't say anything to her but will be the one to bring it with me when she's gone - stuff she says about the dc. Now if I'm the one to bring it up he defends her, which is understandable I suppose. Tbh, I don't really care about her comments a lot of the time, I just don't want a full day of them at Christmas.

Damage limitation: if you've found you've lost the battle for Christmas day this year (but I'm still not giving up on you!), do present opening with the kids and DH when you all wake up. Then it's just the four of you and you have precious time without snarky comments. Then you can go out for the morning and only have to deal with them for lunch / afternoon. It also changes the established routine.

As an aside, if your DH won't see your side in how badly your inlaws behave, this is what works for me: I don't criticise them at all. Not at all. No matter how unreasonable they are being. DH then tends to bring up a couple of things and only when he's said 'that was off' do I agree. Then that gives him a safe space to talk about their behaviour, because when you bring it up he feels he has to defend them. With that strategy, you break that pattern.

I’m really indignant on your behalf @Nant90 ! I want to ask your DH “so you get the Christmas you want every single year, despite saying that Christmas isn’t all that, whereas you are happy for Nant, who loves Christmas, to never have it the way she wants it, ever. And she has to suck that up because why, you’re more important than her?”
I’d lay it out in those terms because ATEOTD that’s what he’s telling you. It shouldn’t matter how you feel about his mum, it’s not an offence to want Christmas just for your family even if it’s only once while the kids are little. It’s incredibly selfish for him to insist on his way every single year. Whatever would he say if you wanted to host your own family every other year (the norm for many couples, of course)?

Honestly @Nant90 grow a backbone otherwise this Christmas will be just like the others. Why do you have to take the kids and hide for a couple of hours? You have to tell his family that arrival time is 2pm

The alternative is to book an Airbnb somewhere in order to escape.

does your DH really understand how unhappy you are / have been with past Christmas Days? That you just don’t enjoy it? Be blunt with him

I had/have a very difficult relationship with my current partner (of 16 years) parents - his mother was very two faced : would say one thing to your face and then another behind your back, she'd agree with the last person she had spoken to on any subject and pulled the 'helpless little woman' act - that really fucking irritated me. She died 2 years ago. His father is even worse: a racist, homophobic, xenophobic brexit voter (I'm French). Also the type that thinks he gets a say on what other adults do in their lives. He tried that shit with me when I was first with my partner (I was 41!), and he got the shock of his life when I ignored his attempts to control me...he really didn't like it. After that I was no contact with his family - my choice - for about 4 years before his mother died. There was no funeral...I've spoken very briefly to his father once since then. Living 200 miles away and having no kids makes it easier!

I had the 'you don't like my mother/father' jibes thrown at me (when she was still alive) - in the end I got fed up of hearing it and told my partner that no, I don't like them, both of his parents had made it pretty obvious they didn't like me, for reasons that I couldn't control/had any say over, that I wasn't obliged to do so just because they were his parents, and that if any other adult acted the way they did towards me, I wouldn't like them, either. He never said it to me again.

I agree with @FinancesSorted , you need to be blunt with your husband. The world won't end if you admit that they aren't your favourite people to spend time with.

I had a friend who told me NEVER to get into hosting Christmas. We didn't. We always did our own thing. I'm from a big family, DH has one sister. We had my Mum one year after my Dad passed away. After that my mum deteriorated and passed away too. When FIL passed away it suddenly became alternating between us and SIL to host. It utterly p's me off if i'm honest (and its only one person!!!) so my heart goes out to you. I'd absolutely have to be firm and say no to them. They sound to bloody stressful and your kids should be your priority, no matter who's cooking the food!!!!

Christmas is for family in my book. I hosted all of them for 40 years on boxing day and Christmas Day, and never resented it for one second. And now they're all gone I am grateful that I have all those memories. And as important, my children and grandchildren have those memories. No they weren't all saints, they could be awkward, that's families for you.

I'm glad you aren't all related to me, complaining about trivia like carrier bags on a table.

The most treasured memories of my childhood were not the stuff we were given, but the memories of my grandparents, aunts uncles and cousins perched round our table, and the relationship with them which has lasted all our lives with our shared memories.

Nah fuck that. To lots of people christmas is about children, sounds like your dh wants to keep his parents comfortable but doesn't care about the rest of his family. If he won't tell them to back off this year, make it clear you're having a family day and they can come at say 2pm till 5pm. He has to compromise.

Whats your point? In laws are extended family , its perfectly ok to want to make some memories with just your kids and hubby for once and its actually weird for the ops husband to not want understand this for one year to be with just his wife and kids. Hardly an ask.

Put your foot down OP, and I don't like negative comments about what children eat or calling them "fat". Knock that on the head straightaway.

My husband really likes a massive family Christmas and I hate it. I endured it for years and then just plainly said I want to have some years doing whatever I choose, and it wasn't up for negotiation. Since then we take turns.

So he’s obviously cooking, decorating, buying all the presents then isn’t he??!

I get this. I’ve been manipulated in to having mil again this year for Christmas. I tried to stay firm but I had the - I’ve nowhere else to go (DH has a brother but we have the cleaner house).

I don’t hugely mind but would love a Christmas just our little family. Mil also comes for tea at least twice a week as it is.

So this year I’ve also invited my parents on principle. I don’t want to have them over either. We will probably end up with my dads sister too and the lady next door.

we had planned a lovely simple meal that the children would actually eat and wouldn’t take ages cooking. Now we are on a three course Christmas meal. I have caveated it that the children won’t be made to sit and eat if they want to play with their toys. I can’t be doing with that hassle and if they just eat selection box for one day that’s fine.

we will, however, save some presents for Boxing Day and we always have a pizza party on Boxing Day. Literally the best part of the holidays for the kiddos. I wonder if you could do something similar?

I can relate to this so much. overbearing behavior, nasty comments about DC. We went away for Christmas last year. Something we always wanted to do now that we have our own little family. Mil called DH on Christmas day saying she will take that Christmas to her grave. By sense of obligation we are spending Christmas this year with them. DH can't cope with the guilt they inflic on him every time we miss a celebration day with them. Some PIL are too much. If you can stick to your guns you have my respect. Good luck

Hear hear! I would sit back and just get things organised for the kids, if he wants them over he can help organise it all - and cook. At least chip in his fair share. I say this a lot, give the energy you receive. If they don’t like that energy, then that speaks volumes about them x

I hope you come to some agreement. My husband always prioritised his family especially his mum. I know how hard this all is. I do think you could alternate between your in laws one year and just yourselves another year. I think you may have said he is not keen on this arrangement but maybe have them over boxing day one year instead.

Anyway OP life is short my MIL was tricky at times but she is no longer with us, I miss her loads!

I hope you come to some agreement. My husband always prioritised his family especially his mum. I know how hard this all is. I do think you could alternate between your in laws one year and just yourselves another year. I think you may have said he is not keen on this arrangement but maybe have them over boxing day one year instead.

Anyway OP life is short my MIL was tricky at times but she is no longer with us, I miss her loads!

Why don't you go away for a few days over Christmas to a hotel with you and your hubbie if he wants to go.

If not go by yourself with a good UK travel company

You will have a ball.

Leave hubbie to look after his relatives.

I think it is really out of order the way people have such expectations about staying with relatives over Christmas.
Not to mention the cost.

Jingle Bells

🥕🫎⛄🌲🧑‍🎄

Xxx

You need to have a compromise plan.
EG, do a separate festive celebration day, eg on 24th. Have all the things you want - the beautiful decorations, the DC can open some gifts, whatever, play with their new toys, eat as much chocolate or whatever as they like.
Then on 25th you have the low key Christmas DH and his family appear to want.

YANBU OP and as your DH insists hosting them then let him get on with it. He can enjoy cooking and when the food is ready they can navigate the stuff they out on the table.

I would either set the table and take a photo. Or not set the table.

Then have a drink/chocolate for every comment.

Another thing, as he knows you like Christmas and he says he’s not bothered about it, I would turn it around. I know you say you’re not bothered about Christmas but you know I love it, I’d actually like to enjoy Christmas this year

I’d point out that u never get the small Christmas that you want. Maybe you should get preferences one year and him the next

I’d point out that u never get the small Christmas that you want. Maybe you should get preferences one year and him the next

I’d point out that u never get the small Christmas that you want. Maybe you should get preferences one year and him the next

Absolutely no way would I be putting up with this! Especially with the level of disrespect they are showing. You need to put your foot down xx

OP, you’re far more patient than me. I’d have told DH he can bugger off to his parents on Christmas Day as you’re not having them in the house.

PP has it right, you have a DH problem.

Why does he get the Christmas he wants every year but you don’t? Why does he not mind upsetting you but won’t upset his parents bd sister? Why do your feelings count for less?

I would ask those questions and say you want a proper answer.

This is a hill I would die on.