To not want to host in-laws at Christmas (sorry!) again this year?

[Nant90]

I know it's October but this is being discussed now.

We have hosted them every year since we got together - mil, fil (they're not together anymore but amicable), sil and often an aunt too. I am low contact with my parents and come from a small family and would like a Christmas just with dh and dc. His family are fine but I don't massively enjoy their company and feel the day centres around them and what they want rather than our own family.

The thing that really grates is that dh has always claimed not to care about his Christmas, that his family don't, that it's 'ridiculous and over the top the way people go on about it,' yet it seems it's unthinkable not to have his family here for the day?! I love Christmas and spend a lot of the time making the house look nice, doing activities with the dc, wrapping gifts etc. Nothing major really, but important to me. His family seem to have no respect for any of that - last year I had laid and decorated the table (it looked lovely!) and they arrived and dumped a load of carrier bags on it, pushing all the settings out of the way. It's stuff like that - not major in the scheme of things, but annoying.

They also make endless comments about how many gifts the dc get. I honestly think we are at the lower end of what people get their dc - we spend around £100 each (not exact), which includes everything and some gifts are books/clothes and I also get stuff secondhand. My parents, mil, fil and sil are the only other people to buy them anything and spend around £15 max each, which is fine but I hardly think my kids are therefore spoilt, but it's endless comments all day: 'Another present!' 'Look at all these toys!' On and on - it gets right on my nerves- so tedious. This is then followed by more comments about how much the dc eat - 'they're gannets!' 'Can you really eat ALL that?' then culminating in ds2 being described as a 'fat child,' and that being why he looks cute in his clothes - he was two. I also wouldn't mind if they came for a few hours - for lunch basically, but despite being told to arrive around midday they have started coming at around 10 and stay up until kids' bedtime - 7-7.30. It's too much.

Anyway, it was mentioned this week and I brought it up today, tentatively suggesting we could maybe just be home alone this year and see people on Boxing Day, and dh has completely shut it down. It's like it's ridiculous to even consider it and most of annoying of all, he said, 'What else would we be doing?' which is so hurtful. These are the people for whom Christmas is apparently 'no big deal,' so why do we have to host them every sodding year?

YANBU at all

They sound like horrible people tbh!

This is a really good idea. My dad would go and get my Nana and uncle who livedacross the other side of town, at 11:30/12 on Christmas Day. And then take them back about 6 pm. It was a great system.

In my view, your husband would be expected to take your side.

Why? It seems to be the MN view that men are expected to toe their wives' line and not have a contrary opinion about anything. Why can the OP not be expected to take her husband's side occasionally?

Strategic flu absolute genius term love it 😁

Well, sounds like you are paying for Cmas dinner even if DH cooks it. If you can’t cancel it at least make sure they arrive at 2 for a late dinner at 3 or 4.
Sounds most unenjoyable for you which isnt fair imv.

Tell him you are alternating years as many couples do where one year he gets to invite his family and the next you get to invite yours and the family you choose to invite this year is you him and the kids.

100% this 👆🏻

Your husband is the problem here. How can he simultaneously claim that Xmas isn't a big deal and say that his family must come on that day, and no other?
Please be way less 'tentative' and assert what you really want.
It's lovely that he likes to cook for everyone, but absolutely no reason why his relatives can't come and eat on Boxing Day for a change.

And yes you need clearer boundaries. 'Please come from 12 and not 10 as we'll all be in our pyjamas.' 'Please don't comment on the numbers of presents, we wouldn't do that to you with a big smile' 'pleas don't comment on the amount the kids eat we wouldn't want them to have issues with food when they are older with a big smile'. And tbh if you ever host again DH needs to say all these messages firmly to them in advance.

Why does his wish outweigh yours? I’d tell him no - you’ve hosted for several years and not this one. If HE says fine I’m not doing the cooking then, well a turkey roast isn’t that hard.

I’d tell do they can come for the 27th and if he lets them give the dc their gifts while you are out of the room they are never ever welcome for Christmas again, since he hasn’t supported you and Christmas is no big deal he will support you in your plans this year. Is there somewhere you could take the kids for Christmas instead (away for a few nights) to be really clear you’re serious? Tell him you’re booking by Saturday unless his parents are locked in for the 27th.

F me, have your own family Christmas. He’s had his way every time despite not enjoying Christmas that much, sounds toxic AF!! YANBU!!

I agree with some other posters. Make a big deal of Christmas Eve, strip back the Christmas lunch, make a huge deal of Boxing Day.

This is a good idea. I would make the not opening the presents without you there a red line. In fact say 'right, time to open the DC presents' and if they demur say 'no, I'm not going to miss it this year so let's do it now' and just sit down and look at them until they comply.

I would also insist that they come Boxing Day this year and make that your larger family day. If husband disagrees quote the 'it doesn't really matter to them' point. In fact just tell them you're switching the days round and say to him he's overruled you every other year so this time you're doing it to him.

I say shift them to Boxing Day rather than move your own family time to then, because yours is more important. Your kids are still young and deserve the focus on Christmas day to be on them in their own home.

Just say look having your family piss on my chips completely ruins Christmas for me and it’s turned my favorite day of the year into something I now dread.

Hi @Nant90. How did the conversation go last night?

October is too late to change plans now. I would just suck it up this year and on the actual day drop huge hints about how you’re thinking of changing things next year. You can blame the kids etc.
Before kids we were driving here there and everywhere keeping both families happy. We were exhausted!
Once baby was born we told both families that we were staying home Christmas Day and would have our door open for anyone wishing to visit.
we get visitors but no one stays all day. It worked out great for us

Their behaviour is unreasonable and much of it should be called out. Commenting on weight or eating if harsh. I would be shutting that down in the moment. Failing that, comment on them in the same way so they get it. On the receiving end they’ll think you’re being nasty I bet.

I spoil my son at Christmas with toys. We were spoilt like that at Christmas as kids and I’ve never been bratty or unappreciative. I think it’s how you raise them and I also think of someone chooses too - that’s upto them. People have different spend points and what they’re comfortable with. Whether someone deems it unnecessary it’s irrelevant and they should pipe down. I know my in-laws were shocked when my son was smaller, they never commented (as they’re lovely and kind and polite). As such, keep spending whatever you want too and ignore them.

Make a new tradition where you all swap gifts together? Announce it when they get here. “Let me get drinks and let’s all swap gifts together ones we have them!”

However….the one thing I would say I disagree on it making the whole day just the 3 of you. Family can be annoying but it’s one day! As your DH points out, what else will you do? It’s a glorified roast dinner which is how different to a normal Sunday? Family makes it different. Also your kid will love the hustle and bustle even with all their short comings. My son is an on out child and I think he loves the family coming over beyond all else (he isn’t starved for interaction. They live down the road and he sees them all daily!). Xmas just ‘feels’ different.

if you want one day just the three of you, you have a whole hunch of days leading up to/inbetween.

As such, to say you don’t want them there at all I’ve said YABU. 10am - 7pm though? Heck no. Not before 12 here!

Put your foot down OP. Either he does Christmas your way, or he does Christmas his way and facilitates it. Truly outrageous that you’ve never had a Christmas alone with your little family.

I disagree, I do the cooking in our house but still discuss with my Husband who we have for Christmas and any guests who were rude about the way we celebrate our Christmas day (comments about the amount of presents and especially the amount of food a child eats!) they wouldn't get a second invitation.

😂 It was insanity. He invited random
people like his cousin’s wife’s Mum. This is what I’m working with. He therefore thinks us and his parents is a quiet Christmas. I can’t tell you how happy I was in lockdown. I had my dream Christmas…

This would be my dream. I’ve cooked Christmas dinner the last 15 bloody years bar one.

When I had DS1 who is now 16, MIL said to me ‘now it’s your turn!’

Had similar with my Husband. Begged last year just to spend it as the 4 of us. He said no. We eventually agreed that we would spend the morning here, have his parents for lunch and then visit mine for the evening. His parents said no, so he agreed (without asking me) that we would go there for lunch. It meant the kids opened their presents, got dressed, had to leave their presents and spends over an hour in the car. Have more presents, lunch, another over an hour in the car, more presents dinner. It was hectic! I made sure to point this all out along the way!
This year he has agreed that we will have morning and lunch alone and everyone over on the evening. Definitely a compromise for both of us but an improvement. Maybe you could do something similar? Invite them over for a buffet dinner at like 5 or 6? Xx

@Nant90 could you tweak things a bit? Maybe suggest to your DC mid afternoon that you go for a walk to see the Christmas lights in your area (there's usually lots of lovely garden displays around us) with a bit of luck your in-laws won't want to go and you can have an hour of peace from their moaning and the children will have fun as well as some fresh air. As they don't appreciate your efforts with table settings etc why not do that on Christmas eve with just you and Hubby after the kids are in bed (dress it up as a romantic meal for just you 2 before the chaos begins) and just have a plain table on Christmas day. When our kids were little we would open Father Christmas presents in our bedroom (usually as some ungodly hour but it was only once a year!) and often most of them stayed there until later in the day (there was usually one or two immediate favourites that went straight downstairs when we got up) so if you did that they couldn't comment about the kids being spoilt as they wouldn't see much. The comment about a child's weight/amount they eat should be nipped in the bud straight off, many children that I know (and I've worked in childcare most of my adult life) go a bit chubby before they have a growth spurt and then slim off, most young children will only eat until full and don't most adults over-eat at Christmas anyway so I would imagine the in-laws aren't having a small plate of food at dinnertime and are grazing on sweets and treats during the rest of the day.
Sorry this has turned into a bit of an essay but hope it gives you some ideas for how to cope, and maybe start the conversation in january about next Christmas

I think it's difficult .DH is obv keen on his family round for Christmas ..I would be cross at dumping bags on your lovely table though! I would not be happy about food comments .Say something like "Alfie is a growing boy,it's good he eats well. good wholesome food is what's needed .Im sure you agree" I think the comments about presents are what older people often think ,there was less around then and so its more marked .TBH few people have a "perfect" Christmas though .and as DH wants them, and cooks its hard to break that.He may not enjoy it so much then .Maybe plan for a panto on boxing day? or a nice lunch out just you DH and DC followed by a walk.Something to look forward to!