To not want to host in-laws at Christmas (sorry!) again this year?

[Nant90]

I know it's October but this is being discussed now.

We have hosted them every year since we got together - mil, fil (they're not together anymore but amicable), sil and often an aunt too. I am low contact with my parents and come from a small family and would like a Christmas just with dh and dc. His family are fine but I don't massively enjoy their company and feel the day centres around them and what they want rather than our own family.

The thing that really grates is that dh has always claimed not to care about his Christmas, that his family don't, that it's 'ridiculous and over the top the way people go on about it,' yet it seems it's unthinkable not to have his family here for the day?! I love Christmas and spend a lot of the time making the house look nice, doing activities with the dc, wrapping gifts etc. Nothing major really, but important to me. His family seem to have no respect for any of that - last year I had laid and decorated the table (it looked lovely!) and they arrived and dumped a load of carrier bags on it, pushing all the settings out of the way. It's stuff like that - not major in the scheme of things, but annoying.

They also make endless comments about how many gifts the dc get. I honestly think we are at the lower end of what people get their dc - we spend around £100 each (not exact), which includes everything and some gifts are books/clothes and I also get stuff secondhand. My parents, mil, fil and sil are the only other people to buy them anything and spend around £15 max each, which is fine but I hardly think my kids are therefore spoilt, but it's endless comments all day: 'Another present!' 'Look at all these toys!' On and on - it gets right on my nerves- so tedious. This is then followed by more comments about how much the dc eat - 'they're gannets!' 'Can you really eat ALL that?' then culminating in ds2 being described as a 'fat child,' and that being why he looks cute in his clothes - he was two. I also wouldn't mind if they came for a few hours - for lunch basically, but despite being told to arrive around midday they have started coming at around 10 and stay up until kids' bedtime - 7-7.30. It's too much.

Anyway, it was mentioned this week and I brought it up today, tentatively suggesting we could maybe just be home alone this year and see people on Boxing Day, and dh has completely shut it down. It's like it's ridiculous to even consider it and most of annoying of all, he said, 'What else would we be doing?' which is so hurtful. These are the people for whom Christmas is apparently 'no big deal,' so why do we have to host them every sodding year?

If they do end up coming, perhaps a conversation with your husband beforehand about him supporting you in shutting down any negative comments about what your kids eat or the gifts they receive. Be prepared to challenge your in laws on the day too.

Fine if you don't but I love small nuclear family Christmas and it does feel special still. Lots of people feel the same way.

Clearly her DH doesn’t feel this way though, which is the issue.

Yes but you make it sound like OP is wrong, instead of just a difference in opinion.

I disagree and not my intention.

I’ve said I don’t agree with being on your own in her specific scenario and stated why, with the view it will make her consider that and whether it’s fair on her DH.

Maybe she will go “I suppose it is a bit like a glorified roast” or maybe she will go “no it’s extra special even considering that viewpoint.”

MY viewpoint is that it’s just a glorified Sunday if they do nothing different, her DH’s too from the sounds of it. She needs to consider his feelings (which she is trying to do from this thread). However he is obviously not considering hers and putting any boundaries in place with his family.

Either way they need to compromise and the most obvious way seems to be setting a visiting time so they aren’t being subject to them being in their faces from first thing in the morning.

This is a great idea! Save your lovely table centrepiece for when the ILs won’t squash it.

I also would not tolerate comments on my children’s bodies - especially as they get older. I’d speak to your DH now and say this has to be stopped and - if the comments are from his family - he needs to be the one to do it.

@Nant90 id tell him you are putting your foot down this year . That he has had it his way or their way for years and you need/want this.
Also tell him once more that you don’t appreciate the things they say to your kids and the way they behave. .
Make sure he knows there are two of you on this marriage plus your kids , not him and his family.

At the very end of the day you have done Christmas his preferred way for X number of years in a row. It is the very least he can do to allow you one Christmas your way.

I’d let them come but a find way of limiting the length of the visit. Either be direct and say you need them to leave a couple of hours before DC bedtime,or make a plan so that you are all out of the house for a walk after lunch, and they then go straight home, or even you all go to theirs for pudding and drinks, and you can then leave to go home when it suits you.

the best time to bring this up is straight after Christmas, not wait until the end of the year.
We spent Christmas and NY at in-laws once. It was horrendous, I’m still annoyed 20 years later about it. DH was talking on the way home how successful he thought it had been and we should do it every year? I was very clear that it was a one off, how awful it had been and now I was limiting visits to 2/3 nights. I stuck to that.

Thanks everyone for the support here.

I do have an update but it's still a bit up in the air. I told dh quite firmly that I didn't want Christmas to be like previous years with them here all day long and making disparaging comments. He got really defensive and started accusing me of not liking his family, which obviously does have some truth to it I suppose - I don't like how they behave anyway! The thing is, I honestly wouldn't mind as much if he backed me sometimes, but he never ever does. The other thing is, I think he has a lot of 'issues' where family is concerned. I am the first to admit I have quite a complex relationship with my family, especially my dad, hence being low contact. There are addiction issues and so on and I am upfront about it.

But dh makes out his are great and an ideal family, but he didn't see his dad for years (before he met me) and only reconciled due to his sister getting them together - he's never told me the details and I think there is unresolved stuff there. Then he cannot say no to his mum and I know has issues there due to her leaving his dad when dh was 15 and not offering to take him with her - sister had already left home. Now he acts like she walks on water. He also worships his sister but she is quite a difficult person and, though I get on ok with her, she has a definite 'eldest' vibe with dh which she sometimes transfers onto me. I get it - families are messy and mixed feelings abound, but he won't ever discuss any of this properly with me and last night went on the attack. Apparently just because I don't want to see my family doesn't mean others are the same and normal people want to see their family on Christmas day. This is after years of telling me how pointless Christmas is and how ridiculous I am for doing table settings/decorations etc. I'm really unhappy. He has said he will speak to them about coming later in the day but I'm not convinced it will happen. I am going to take the advice upthread about me going out with the dc in the morning though - ds2 is getting a scooter and I'm sure both will be more than happy to come to the park for a bit - people can come with me or not if they are there.

I wouldn't mind supporting him with it all but it's the disrespect. Someone upthread mentioned it being another Sunday if we don't have family but that couldn't be further from the truth. I'm a teacher and Sunday from around 3pm tends to be about work for me. We rarely have a roast and weekends are quite full. Saturday I try and take the dc out for the day, Sunday morning try and do a local playground or something and then work. I just want a relaxing lowkey Christmas without people muttering about bloody humous and crackers (what his sister got out of her carrier bag as soon as she came in last year) and putting me and my kids down.

I feel I ought to add, I actually don't dislike his family most of the time and in smaller doses and at less heightened times we generally get on. I just don't think us all spending Christmas all together in the same house works that well for any of us and I wish we could drop it.

So everybody else's Christmas enjoyment matters - except for yours? You've put up with this for years. It's your turn to have a nice Christmas day for a change. Let your "D"H have his lovely day with his family ... whilst you and the kids go and have a wonderful couple of days at a hotel (well, that's what I'd be inclined to do).

So your bully husband doesn't care about what you like, is fixated on doing what he wants, hosting his uncouth family?

And you are the main earner?
I am sorry OP but you sound like a complete doormat, every Christmas dominated by his family. Ruining your table setting tells me that they are dog rough and deliberately nasty znd disrespectful towards you.

Yet you allow this to continue and for your husband to shut you down and dismiss you, in your home.

You will come to bitterly regret this when Santa is finished with and you don't have a single memory of a nice easy Christmas day.

I simply wouldn't tolerate it. Tell him to go to theirs if that is what he wants.

I agree with @Rosiedayss . He can go there. You need to stick up for yourself properly. Sounds like he shouts you down until you give in. How disrespectful.

@Nant90
Hmmm....I really feel for you OP and this is far more complex that it appears on the surface. This is my take and only you know if this could be correct or not.

Despite having had not ideal childhood Christmas' your DH says he doesn't care about Christmas but what he's actually doing every year is recreating a childhood Christmas and trying to achieve a happier outcome - as bizarre and odd as that sounds. So he's stuck in a loop of trying to have the childhood Christmas that he wanted but didn't get....and it's damaging for him (and for your family) because it's his shitty family dynamic that spoils his fantasy and that will never change until he realises it.
This is why he's so disparaging of your efforts to make it magical for you, the DC and him. You make things lovely and it reminds him that his childhood wasn't great. It makes him look at the deep feelings of resentment that he's pushed down about his upbringing and seeing everything lovely reminds him how shit it all was/is. Seeing your own DC have a wonderful Christmas raises feelings that he'd rather not remember or feel. When you DH shouts you down saying that you don't like his family what he could be saying is 'I don't like my family but I can't admit that'.
From my point of view it's a bit fucked up he needs therapy to unpick this. Meanwhile you have to walk on eggshells.

I tried to change Christmas... and got pressure/guilt tripping from all sides. Only succeeded when one DH family member was so bloody awful at Xmas that I said enough is enough. Wish I'd done it when DC were younger as I see it will be harder to have them all together now. Don't give away your Christmases. This is your time.
Other alternative is to book a trip away.

Is he this dismissive of your opinions and feelings in other areas and about other matters @Nant90 ?

Sounds like your H should get some gift vouchers for therapy as his Christmas gift.

I have found that some men have bizarre, idealistic and performative views about family and how they want to be perceived - in other words your DH wants to be perceived as completely traditional and family-focused by all the people who ask him about his Christmas before and after.

I think it’s some kind measure of happiness and stability for them, no matter how dysfunctional the reality of their relationships and time spent together. It’s about going through the motions at any cost.

Really sad to hear your H reacted so badly to your totally reasonable requests and compromises. He is the twat that stole Christmas. Don’t give up.

And you tell your ILs yourself about what time to come - don’t rely on him: “We are going out in the morning and will look for seeing you at 1pm.” Then take children to bed when you want and follow them. Leave H with his ‘wonderful’ family.

It does sound complicated from your update.

I wonder if he has ever actually considered what it's like for you spending every single Christmas with in laws. It's tiring in a way that he doesn't experience - if he'd had to spend the last 10 Christmases with your family because it was so important to you, wouldn't he fancy a year off too? But you haven't asked that of him.

I don't know where you both sit on the introvert/extrovert axis, but I wonder if a combination of that and your different lives might be feeding into this. Your job is very socially demanding, being out in the world interacting intensively with people all day. So in holidays an introvert doing your role might be desperately in need of some alone/quiet family time to recharge. Whereas a SAHD, without denigrating the role at all, it has much lower social battery demands. He might be coming to the holidays more able - and more in need of - those same interactions which make you want to crawl away and sob in a corner. Not necessarily that he is an extrovert and you an introvert, but the holidays serve different purposes for you both. And the demand is always higher on you because in laws use more social battery than blood relatives.

Op this is awful !
How dare they ?? How rude ??

And no ,don't pare down decorations to make them happy with a Spartan sanctimonious Xmas id go even more all out, I'm defiantly a Christmas maximalist !!

You must take more responsibility here and push back.
When for instance bags were dumped into the middle of your table did you say anything ? Make anyone aware it was unacceptable ?

Don't let these things slide.

Mil are you ok did you realise you have just dumped bags into the middle of my display ?
I've spent time and effort on that !

Any single negative comment ....patronising big smile..come on folks it's Christmas day !
Can we put our negative aside for a few hours please. .

And I d call out the dont likenxmas.

Yes I was discussing this with dh ,you see I do really like Christmas and I'm wondering what you come here for if you don't like it . Wouldn't it be better if you all went away and sat it out or host each other in a way you think is suitable ?

Also as sad as your DH childhood is ,many of us have had negative experiences around Xmas and we don't use that as an excuse to ruin Xmas for everyone for ever more.

No.

I got fed up of the same plans every year and so I suggested we go away for the week to a lodge , he got on board quite civil and we did end up going ! It was a very peaceful Xmas and quality time with my two boys x

Then don't host them, just say no. I have done this for years because I can't stand xmas. I have very strict boundaries around xmas - I basically want to be left well alone.
It took some years but the family now just accept it.

All of this.

It’s really tough being the only sane one amongst a family with toxic dynamics. It’s like you’ve been taken on by a strange tribe to be used as a scapegoat. Maybe that’s me projecting.. but I know the frustration!

“It’s my Christmas too, and it’s really special, and I want some say in what we do. Let’s alternate years. You can organise next year your way, this year we’ll do it my way.”