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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be hurt children were excluded from a family day out this weekend?

248 replies

ladyrushford · 27/10/2025 20:24

Hello. So - bit of a thing this. I married the oldest son of five siblings (4 boys, 1 girls)!and three of the siblings have children of their own. My DH and I have 3 - DS1 (13), DD (11) and DS2 (4). Two of my husband’s brothers have two kids a piece so there are 8 cousins in total. Our DD gets on really well with one of her cousins, a girl who is 9. Our oldest son has severe cognitive delays and tends to keep to himself. He is also the oldest of all the cousins (there are 8) but he loves his family and loves seeing his cousins, just expresses it differently.

Anyway, my SIL invited my daughter over for a sleepover with two of her cousins. There was no invitation for my two sons, which I put down to age and perhaps need as well. My oldest son was quite upset he wasn’t invited but I tried not make a big thing of it and said it was likely he was a lot older than the others. But it didn’t sit well with me. My DH shrugged it off as he doesn’t like conflict or confrontation of any kind.

My BIL actually collected our DD on Saturday (off his own back). We live an hour away, the majority of the family are relatively close to one another. I am not very close to my IL’s though I tried for years to get on better terms with my SILs (wives of my husband’s brothers) but all invitations/suggestions were always politely rebuffed. I am not invited to a lot of events - baby showers, engagement parties etc. i find out after the fact. It stings but what can I do? We’ve never fallen out but something is rotten.

DD goes for the sleepover. On Sunday I see a big host of photos on WhatsApp. Two of the brothers and their families were in the pictures with all their kids. Only myself, DH and two sons were excluded. They didn’t even hide it - but took photos as if to brag about what a lovely day they were having?? I can’t think why they thought this would be ok and for the first time my DH is quite shocked by the behaviour towards us and also can’t understand why this would happen? I feel like it comes back to their dislike of me (without making it all about me) because what possible reason would they have to exclude their nephews? I do wonder if they just don’t want my older, complex needs son around which would make me very, very angry. I can’t work out why they don’t care about my 4 year old?

My daughter had a great time but I realise now we can’t let this happen again as we’re essentially allowing the exclusion of two of our kids. I don’t need to be best mates with everyone but I’ve never had a problem with my SILs (I do now though, the fucking bitches). I collected her from their house on Sunday and spent the entire drive rehearsing what would I say, then bottled it, purely out of respect for my husband. They even asked after my sons, and I said, ‘they would have loved to have come to the pumpkin picking thing’ but it was completely ignored.

Would I AIBU to just wash my hands of them all, and cut contact? I never feel welcome and only see them at my PILs house and honestly, they aren’t my biggest fans either. It’s exhausting but I keep the peace for my husband and for kids? So they have a big loving family (I don’t have cousins, or aunts or uncles or anything like that). But I’ve had enough of this and feel it will just hurt all my kids in the long run, even though my daughter adores her cousins so much.

So…AIBU to just never see them again??

OP posts:
lunar1 · 27/10/2025 20:27

Life is way to short to waste on people who treat you like that.

Original poster
ladyrushford · 27/10/2025 20:28

lunar1 · 27/10/2025 20:27

Life is way to short to waste on people who treat you like that.

Yes. It is rather, isn’t it??

OP posts:
MumChp · 27/10/2025 20:30

Why not ask about their thoughts?

InSpainTheRain · 27/10/2025 20:32

Sorry if I've got this wrong but you seem to be conflating their perceived treatment of you and how you feel about that with the exclusion of your 2 DC (I'm not sure they are the same issue). If the sleepover is a one off then it's hard to tell. Is it possible that your other kids would be invited at another time? Will you be inviting their children to your place for a sleepover? If you've invited them all over in the past, but they only invited your DD then I'd say that is an exclusion of your other 2 children.

So it's hard to say... but as a one-off I would say they invited your DD as it was something suitable for her and cousin(s). Not everything has to be done will all family members. Just a thought - I had twin DS, sometimes one would get invited and not the other, that felt a bit weird, but we just went with it and it evened out.

Hayley1256 · 27/10/2025 20:32

Are you sure this was deliberate? They may have planned the sleepover then decided to go pumpkin picking?

youalright · 27/10/2025 20:33

Yabu you want them to invite a 13 year old boy who keeps himself to himself and a 4 year old thats not a sleepover thats babysitting

TheTwitcher11 · 27/10/2025 20:33

ladyrushford · 27/10/2025 20:24

Hello. So - bit of a thing this. I married the oldest son of five siblings (4 boys, 1 girls)!and three of the siblings have children of their own. My DH and I have 3 - DS1 (13), DD (11) and DS2 (4). Two of my husband’s brothers have two kids a piece so there are 8 cousins in total. Our DD gets on really well with one of her cousins, a girl who is 9. Our oldest son has severe cognitive delays and tends to keep to himself. He is also the oldest of all the cousins (there are 8) but he loves his family and loves seeing his cousins, just expresses it differently.

Anyway, my SIL invited my daughter over for a sleepover with two of her cousins. There was no invitation for my two sons, which I put down to age and perhaps need as well. My oldest son was quite upset he wasn’t invited but I tried not make a big thing of it and said it was likely he was a lot older than the others. But it didn’t sit well with me. My DH shrugged it off as he doesn’t like conflict or confrontation of any kind.

My BIL actually collected our DD on Saturday (off his own back). We live an hour away, the majority of the family are relatively close to one another. I am not very close to my IL’s though I tried for years to get on better terms with my SILs (wives of my husband’s brothers) but all invitations/suggestions were always politely rebuffed. I am not invited to a lot of events - baby showers, engagement parties etc. i find out after the fact. It stings but what can I do? We’ve never fallen out but something is rotten.

DD goes for the sleepover. On Sunday I see a big host of photos on WhatsApp. Two of the brothers and their families were in the pictures with all their kids. Only myself, DH and two sons were excluded. They didn’t even hide it - but took photos as if to brag about what a lovely day they were having?? I can’t think why they thought this would be ok and for the first time my DH is quite shocked by the behaviour towards us and also can’t understand why this would happen? I feel like it comes back to their dislike of me (without making it all about me) because what possible reason would they have to exclude their nephews? I do wonder if they just don’t want my older, complex needs son around which would make me very, very angry. I can’t work out why they don’t care about my 4 year old?

My daughter had a great time but I realise now we can’t let this happen again as we’re essentially allowing the exclusion of two of our kids. I don’t need to be best mates with everyone but I’ve never had a problem with my SILs (I do now though, the fucking bitches). I collected her from their house on Sunday and spent the entire drive rehearsing what would I say, then bottled it, purely out of respect for my husband. They even asked after my sons, and I said, ‘they would have loved to have come to the pumpkin picking thing’ but it was completely ignored.

Would I AIBU to just wash my hands of them all, and cut contact? I never feel welcome and only see them at my PILs house and honestly, they aren’t my biggest fans either. It’s exhausting but I keep the peace for my husband and for kids? So they have a big loving family (I don’t have cousins, or aunts or uncles or anything like that). But I’ve had enough of this and feel it will just hurt all my kids in the long run, even though my daughter adores her cousins so much.

So…AIBU to just never see them again??

How old were the other cousins and would your oldest spend the night away from you? (I only ask because I also have a son with SEN who wouldn’t stay overnight anywhere else, but he’s 7)

GooseOnMyGrave · 27/10/2025 20:34

I’m assuming it is because a 4 year old is too young for a sleepover and the 13 year old too difficult for them to manage?

Eenameenadeeka · 27/10/2025 20:35

Have they taken care of your eldest before? i wonder if it's that your daughter is "easier" if they are worried about looking after your eldest, and then your youngest is still quite little for sleepovers? It seems like something they definitely should have asked about though rather than just leaving children out. Good on you for making sure your children are treated equally.

TheTwitcher11 · 27/10/2025 20:35

youalright · 27/10/2025 20:33

Yabu you want them to invite a 13 year old boy who keeps himself to himself and a 4 year old thats not a sleepover thats babysitting

You could word that a bit nicer

thismummyslife · 27/10/2025 20:36

If they have deliberately left you all out, I think it’s awful. Just thinking though, was it all girls that stayed over? Were they just having like a girly cousin treat? X

Soonenough · 27/10/2025 20:36

Yeah a bit mean . You could have arranged to meet them there and taken DD home . I can understand not having all 3 for sleepover though. Too many kids and throw in the lad that needs extra attention is probably too much for them .

Legomania · 27/10/2025 20:37

How old are the other cousins? And yes, what sex are they?

SamphiretheTervosaur · 27/10/2025 20:38

youalright · 27/10/2025 20:33

Yabu you want them to invite a 13 year old boy who keeps himself to himself and a 4 year old thats not a sleepover thats babysitting

And their brother and his wife...

ShesTheAlbatross · 27/10/2025 20:38

The fact you were annoyed that only your DD was invited to the sleepover is very unreasonable. She’s close to her cousin, of course they don’t want a 4 year old or an older boy there! She should be able to go to her cousin’s without her brothers being included,

The wider family being there is more reasonable to be annoyed about. But was it planned, or spontaneous? Do they all live closer together and got together last minute?

Minnie798 · 27/10/2025 20:38

So your dh is one of five but only two brothers and their families were there ? So not all of his siblings and their kids?
How old are the two brothers children? Are they all similar ages?

Original poster
ladyrushford · 27/10/2025 20:39

InSpainTheRain · 27/10/2025 20:32

Sorry if I've got this wrong but you seem to be conflating their perceived treatment of you and how you feel about that with the exclusion of your 2 DC (I'm not sure they are the same issue). If the sleepover is a one off then it's hard to tell. Is it possible that your other kids would be invited at another time? Will you be inviting their children to your place for a sleepover? If you've invited them all over in the past, but they only invited your DD then I'd say that is an exclusion of your other 2 children.

So it's hard to say... but as a one-off I would say they invited your DD as it was something suitable for her and cousin(s). Not everything has to be done will all family members. Just a thought - I had twin DS, sometimes one would get invited and not the other, that felt a bit weird, but we just went with it and it evened out.

Yes. I see your point. I have invited the other cousins (9, and 6) but it has been politely declined by my SIL previously. This year my niece came to my DD‘s 111 birthday sleepover.

I didnt expect them to invite all my kids to a sleepover. I was a bit hurt that my other ILs went to the pumpkin picking but it wasn’t mentioned to us. My sons would have enjoyed hanging out with their cousins

OP posts:
Bournetilly · 27/10/2025 20:39

Inviting your DD to the sleepover alone was fine. Not inviting you all to the family event was rude and I would be upset, your DH should ask them why.

ShesTheAlbatross · 27/10/2025 20:42

ladyrushford · 27/10/2025 20:39

Yes. I see your point. I have invited the other cousins (9, and 6) but it has been politely declined by my SIL previously. This year my niece came to my DD‘s 111 birthday sleepover.

I didnt expect them to invite all my kids to a sleepover. I was a bit hurt that my other ILs went to the pumpkin picking but it wasn’t mentioned to us. My sons would have enjoyed hanging out with their cousins

Show quote history

I didn’t expect them to invite all my kids to a sleepover

So why did you say it didn’t sit well with you then? Clearly you were unhappy with it.

youalright · 27/10/2025 20:42

TheTwitcher11 · 27/10/2025 20:35

You could word that a bit nicer

Show quote history

What part wasn't nice

Bigtreeesss · 27/10/2025 20:43

what does your DH do to keep up relations with his family? Sounds like he’s not that close Anyway

I don’t see the issue with the sleepover just being dd. How often do you have all the cousins over for a sleep over?

do the other siblings live closer and could it have been a last minute thing?

Original poster
ladyrushford · 27/10/2025 20:43

Minnie798 · 27/10/2025 20:38

So your dh is one of five but only two brothers and their families were there ? So not all of his siblings and their kids?
How old are the two brothers children? Are they all similar ages?

Three have kids, one lives abroad so can’t include her! But yes, their kids are similar in age to each other: 9, 6, 5, 4. My DS1 is 13 but mentally closer to age 8 or 9. My other son is also 4. It’s not the sleepover but the the fact I don’t understand why the invitation wasn’t extended to all of us that troubles me.

OP posts:
youalright · 27/10/2025 20:45

ladyrushford · 27/10/2025 20:43

Three have kids, one lives abroad so can’t include her! But yes, their kids are similar in age to each other: 9, 6, 5, 4. My DS1 is 13 but mentally closer to age 8 or 9. My other son is also 4. It’s not the sleepover but the the fact I don’t understand why the invitation wasn’t extended to all of us that troubles me.

Show quote history

It was perhaps a last minute unplanned thing. I would never dream of inviting someone who lived an hour away to come pumpkin picking

FuzzyWolf · 27/10/2025 20:46

I suspect there is a big backstory of treatment because on the face of it, this can all be easily and reasonably explained. However, there is more to like than trying to spend time with people you don’t get on with and cause you stress.

minipie · 27/10/2025 20:46

Hang on. So your DH is one of 5 siblings. Only two of the brothers and their families had this sleepover and pumpkin outing, if I’ve read right? So the three other siblings (including your DH) were not involved.

If all 4 of the other siblings had gone off for a weekend together and your DH & your family were the only ones left out then I’d understand your hurt.

But this sounds more like it was just 2 of the siblings organising to do something together and your DD got invited along because she’s similar age to/ close to one of their kids. That’s fine? They can’t be expected to include everyone every time they want to see one sibling?

Have I misunderstood something?