To be hurt children were excluded from a family day out this weekend?

[ladyrushford]

Hello. So - bit of a thing this. I married the oldest son of five siblings (4 boys, 1 girls)!and three of the siblings have children of their own. My DH and I have 3 - DS1 (13), DD (11) and DS2 (4). Two of my husband’s brothers have two kids a piece so there are 8 cousins in total. Our DD gets on really well with one of her cousins, a girl who is 9. Our oldest son has severe cognitive delays and tends to keep to himself. He is also the oldest of all the cousins (there are 8) but he loves his family and loves seeing his cousins, just expresses it differently.

Anyway, my SIL invited my daughter over for a sleepover with two of her cousins. There was no invitation for my two sons, which I put down to age and perhaps need as well. My oldest son was quite upset he wasn’t invited but I tried not make a big thing of it and said it was likely he was a lot older than the others. But it didn’t sit well with me. My DH shrugged it off as he doesn’t like conflict or confrontation of any kind.

My BIL actually collected our DD on Saturday (off his own back). We live an hour away, the majority of the family are relatively close to one another. I am not very close to my IL’s though I tried for years to get on better terms with my SILs (wives of my husband’s brothers) but all invitations/suggestions were always politely rebuffed. I am not invited to a lot of events - baby showers, engagement parties etc. i find out after the fact. It stings but what can I do? We’ve never fallen out but something is rotten.

DD goes for the sleepover. On Sunday I see a big host of photos on WhatsApp. Two of the brothers and their families were in the pictures with all their kids. Only myself, DH and two sons were excluded. They didn’t even hide it - but took photos as if to brag about what a lovely day they were having?? I can’t think why they thought this would be ok and for the first time my DH is quite shocked by the behaviour towards us and also can’t understand why this would happen? I feel like it comes back to their dislike of me (without making it all about me) because what possible reason would they have to exclude their nephews? I do wonder if they just don’t want my older, complex needs son around which would make me very, very angry. I can’t work out why they don’t care about my 4 year old?

My daughter had a great time but I realise now we can’t let this happen again as we’re essentially allowing the exclusion of two of our kids. I don’t need to be best mates with everyone but I’ve never had a problem with my SILs (I do now though, the fucking bitches). I collected her from their house on Sunday and spent the entire drive rehearsing what would I say, then bottled it, purely out of respect for my husband. They even asked after my sons, and I said, ‘they would have loved to have come to the pumpkin picking thing’ but it was completely ignored.

Would I AIBU to just wash my hands of them all, and cut contact? I never feel welcome and only see them at my PILs house and honestly, they aren’t my biggest fans either. It’s exhausting but I keep the peace for my husband and for kids? So they have a big loving family (I don’t have cousins, or aunts or uncles or anything like that). But I’ve had enough of this and feel it will just hurt all my kids in the long run, even though my daughter adores her cousins so much.

So…AIBU to just never see them again??

I'm a little confused on numbers. Am I understanding correctly that two out of five siblings got together with their four children and then invited your DD to join and have a sleepover with one of their girls?

If so, I think that's not quite the same as the whole family getting together without you. The more likely scenario there is that the 9yo just wanted her slightly older girl cousin to come and they made that happen, but they didn't intend it to be a huge family function. I think this is something more common to big families - people tend to be accustomed to doing some things with just pieces of the family because getting everyone together is such a production - that I've noticed those that come from smaller families tend to be really uncomfortable with.

So the two other families with kids got together on the Sunday and also had your daughter with them? Is it possible that the one who wasn't hosting the sleepover offered up a last minute spontaneous thing that because you live an hour away wouldn't have worked? Is it also possible that they are closer because they live closer?

I think you do understand but you don't want to face it. This might sound harsh but I think you are being disingenuous.

Their children do not want to play with your boys. Your sisters in law do not want to spend time with you either.

You cannot force friendships; either you let your daughter play with her cousins or you don't (and your reasons are perfectly acceptable if you choose not to).

Are the cousins all girls?

You’ve said this so much clearer than what I was trying to say actually.

Yeah - the sleepover was fine (DS doesn’t understand that he’s older so that can be tricky to navigate) but they never mentioned going pumpkin picking with the other brother and his family so really, only my sons weren’t present.

What would your eldest son’s behaviour be like, if he slept over without you there?

Yeah. You’re right. But I don’t think that’s fair on my sons either way is it?

I adore, absolutely adore, my DN who is 5, but he really isn't ready for any sleepovers. His older sister goes to sleepovers at cousins' houses but he's too little. I wouldn't worry about them not inviting the 4-year-old...that's just too much to expect.

As to your oldest 13 year old son, it doesn't mean that he's being excluded for nefarious reasons. Maybe you're not seeing the full picture. If he's 13 but acts like he's 8, I imagine there are other challenges that maybe your ILs just don't feel comfortable handling. Or, they may think 'what 13 year old boy wants to hang with younger kids'? Does your oldest have SEN? Maybe they don't feel equipped to handle him, not that they don't love him.

Also, you don't mention your DD's feelings much. If she loves her cousins, why would you deny her that relationship? Maybe she needs a break from her brothers.

Also wonder if the sleepover had been planned in advance, but then the second family last minute suggested the pumpkin picking, and so the sleepover family went along but it wasn't pre planned, might be why you weren't invited?

He’s never had a sleepover so we wouldn’t expect him to go to one. It was more that he was a bit upset he wasn’t invited but we navigated that. My son doesn’t have behavourial issues - he has DLD, Austin and some other issues too complex to go into but he’s lovely, genuinely, just doesn’t speak much and is very shy.

3 of DHs siblings live closer together and we are further away. Completely understandably they get together and do things together a lot without including us.

You weren't the only ones left out and your dd shouldn't be prevented from being part of something.

Two brothers and their families getting together is not the same as you and your family being excluded.

The sleepover thing is completely fine, but not phoning you to invite everybody is rude. If it’s a one off I would brush it off this time.

Oh she had a lovely time and she adores her cousins so I wouldn’t stop her seeing them. As you say, I do want her to have a lovely relationship. I just don’t want it to be the expense of others.

I don’t imagine my IL’s would mind if they didn’t see me ever again but I would hope they would still think to include my sons, as and when.

Perhaps the two brothers wives are close friends and that's why they do things together.
We used to spend lots of time with dps brother and his first wife and kids. Because I was good friends with her. We didn't have that with his second wife or any of his other siblings and their partners tbh.

Sorry, I should add that I didn’t expect my IL’s to have my kids without me. We don’t babysit each others kids as a general rule (well, I think the two SILs do but they live much closer than us). But even when we lived in the same area, it never happened.

And yes, I completely accept that my oldest son presents as complex in needs. He’s a lovely boy but I wouldn’t send him off anywhere without me. My point was that it was another family event where I hadn’t been included. I can live with that (have done for over a decade. I can’t even get my SILs to have a coffee with me and two of us were on maternity at the same time, ten minutes apart). This time, my sons weren’t included and it made me sad for them.

The sleepover is separate and completely fine as both your boys aren’t up to sleepovers due to their age and needs.

The biggest deal is exclusion from the family event the day after and it’s your DH who should be hurt and ask for an explanation. Why isn’t he pissed off? Does he not make an effort with the rest of them generally?

It does hurt when some kids get excluded. When you've invited the cousins to your place, do they always decline?

I think there’s a bigger picture here to be honest.

You’ve said you don’t particularly get along with these people so you not being invited is expected, but I have to assume that these siblings have a closer relationship with each other than they do with your husband- otherwise something would have been said before now.

Given that they are closer I don’t see the issue with them having plans together, like the pumpkins, and just inviting the cousin that their kids will actually play with and want to spend time with.

You can go LC if you want to but I wouldn’t deprive your daughter of a relationship.

I can’t even get my SILs to have a coffee with me and two of us were on maternity at the same time, ten minutes apart).

In-law relationships are about being polite and respectful. You can’t force in-law friendships, that’s expecting too much.

Yes, 99.9%. They accepted my daughter’s birthday invite but that was genuinely the first time. They decline play dates, meet ups, everything outside of having lunch at the PILs. I do offer because my DD loves her cousins but it does get embarrassing after a while trying to explain why they’ve said no so I just say, ‘never mind! Next time!’

I totally accept that it might have been last minute etc but with past habits of saying no, not inviting me to their baby showers, hen nights etc I’m worried that their dislike of me has lead them to begin to exclude my other kids so they don’t have to deal with me!!

The biggest deal is exclusion from the family event the next day

It wasn’t a “family event”, it was 2 siblings out of 5 and their families going pumpkin picking together.

Are 2 siblings not allowed to get together without including all the others?

Have you ever had a falling out with them? It's seems odd they seem to dislike you so much for no reason

You just need to accept that two of the other families get on well and like to do things together. That doesn’t automatically make it a family event. It sounds like your dd was invited for the cousin she gets on well with, and that’s lovely for her. But if you and your DH aren’t particularly close to these people, then they aren’t obliged to invite you, or by extension, your children. It is understandable that you would have liked your dc to be involved, but your in-laws have not done anything wrong. Let it go.