To be hurt children were excluded from a family day out this weekend?

[ladyrushford]

Hello. So - bit of a thing this. I married the oldest son of five siblings (4 boys, 1 girls)!and three of the siblings have children of their own. My DH and I have 3 - DS1 (13), DD (11) and DS2 (4). Two of my husband’s brothers have two kids a piece so there are 8 cousins in total. Our DD gets on really well with one of her cousins, a girl who is 9. Our oldest son has severe cognitive delays and tends to keep to himself. He is also the oldest of all the cousins (there are 8) but he loves his family and loves seeing his cousins, just expresses it differently.

Anyway, my SIL invited my daughter over for a sleepover with two of her cousins. There was no invitation for my two sons, which I put down to age and perhaps need as well. My oldest son was quite upset he wasn’t invited but I tried not make a big thing of it and said it was likely he was a lot older than the others. But it didn’t sit well with me. My DH shrugged it off as he doesn’t like conflict or confrontation of any kind.

My BIL actually collected our DD on Saturday (off his own back). We live an hour away, the majority of the family are relatively close to one another. I am not very close to my IL’s though I tried for years to get on better terms with my SILs (wives of my husband’s brothers) but all invitations/suggestions were always politely rebuffed. I am not invited to a lot of events - baby showers, engagement parties etc. i find out after the fact. It stings but what can I do? We’ve never fallen out but something is rotten.

DD goes for the sleepover. On Sunday I see a big host of photos on WhatsApp. Two of the brothers and their families were in the pictures with all their kids. Only myself, DH and two sons were excluded. They didn’t even hide it - but took photos as if to brag about what a lovely day they were having?? I can’t think why they thought this would be ok and for the first time my DH is quite shocked by the behaviour towards us and also can’t understand why this would happen? I feel like it comes back to their dislike of me (without making it all about me) because what possible reason would they have to exclude their nephews? I do wonder if they just don’t want my older, complex needs son around which would make me very, very angry. I can’t work out why they don’t care about my 4 year old?

My daughter had a great time but I realise now we can’t let this happen again as we’re essentially allowing the exclusion of two of our kids. I don’t need to be best mates with everyone but I’ve never had a problem with my SILs (I do now though, the fucking bitches). I collected her from their house on Sunday and spent the entire drive rehearsing what would I say, then bottled it, purely out of respect for my husband. They even asked after my sons, and I said, ‘they would have loved to have come to the pumpkin picking thing’ but it was completely ignored.

Would I AIBU to just wash my hands of them all, and cut contact? I never feel welcome and only see them at my PILs house and honestly, they aren’t my biggest fans either. It’s exhausting but I keep the peace for my husband and for kids? So they have a big loving family (I don’t have cousins, or aunts or uncles or anything like that). But I’ve had enough of this and feel it will just hurt all my kids in the long run, even though my daughter adores her cousins so much.

So…AIBU to just never see them again??

Your options are to suck it up or deprive DD of a close relationship with her cousins, aunts and uncles.

Why doesn’t your dh say something???

You weren't excluded!

It's utterly inappropriate to invite an older boy to a sleepover for tween girls. And why on earth would you invite a 4 year old?

Two of 5 siblings got together a day after you saw them. That is not excluding you! They are allowed to see each other individually!

One sibling doesn’t have kids, 1 sibling lives abroad. My DH is the other sibling.

Hey OP 👋..
Weekend aside , you mention the SILS exclude you from basically everything , baby showers , engagement parties , whatever is on , rebuff invitations you give them !!!!
Why ???
You’re coming across as kind & nice ..
What are they jealous of ?
They sound awful 😞, & I’d want to live in a whole different country away from them all ..
How can people be so unkind x

Not the sleepover. The pumpkin picking. If they went with their kids (and my DD) and my other BIL went with his kids why didn’t they invite me and all my kids? Or mention it my DH was my original question, somewhere in my (very long sorry) post. Which kind of brings me to my worry that they didn’t invite my other kids because they didn’t want to deal with me (I wouldn’t send my other two boys off on their own, for age and need reasons).

If you hadn't already tried to get in with the brothers' wives, I'd be tempted to comment on the pumpkin thing in an 'oh, looks like fun, wish we could've come, maybe next year' way. Probably awkward, but maybe it's worth it to point out that they could have included everyone in that part of the day. However, as you've already made an effort and never been accepted, I'd be less inclined to bother. You husband might want to finally say something to his family, though, seeing as it is his family that's excluding you all.

In this instance, they may have thought it wasn't something you (the parents) would like to do or that it would make it more awkward that your boys weren't invited to the sleepover. I'd be more inclined to take a charitable interpretation if they hadn't repeatedly turned down your other invitations.

What would there be to 'deal with'? @ladyrushford there's a poster on here who in her crusade to have her eldest dd included with everything her younger dd gets invited to is creating a cacophony of issues!
Do you react like this if the boys are invited to things dd isn't?

I went on loads of trips to stay with my cousins, at their house and our grandparents, and my brother didn’t, because my female cousin was close in age to me and my male cousins were not similar ages to my brother.

Of course there were ‘all family’ occasions but the sleepovers etc tended to be around the natural age and sex affinities - and friendships.

You seriously expect your BIL and SIL to invite your 13-year-old DS for a sleepover with their 9-year-old DD?

Having your 11-year-old DD sleep over with their 9-year-old DD makes sense as they’re close in age.

But a 13-year-old boy on a sleepover with a 9-year-old girl?

That’s a completely different situation,

Why thank you. I mean I’m no angel! I’ve probably (obviously) done something wrong to piss one off and then the other has teamed up lol. I was very young when I met my DH - I no doubt behaved like a massive dick. I’m now 43! I was very hurt when I found out about one of my SIL’s baby showers and hen nights but what can I do? I can’t cry to them ‘ pleeeease invite me’ lol and I’m not going to cause drama between my DH and his bros. He loves his brothers (he’s actually quite upset about the pumpkin day out and he’s normally telling me off about being paranoid, so I don’t feel like I’m too off the mark here if I’m honest). And we don’t all have to get along or like each other do we? But I just wanted to know if I was being silly in getting offended that we weren’t considered in the day out.

Is your DH going to speak to them?

Have you read the OP's posts?

Why does being young when you met DH mean you behaved like a massive dick 🤔

whats the drip feed here?

Why would they invite you to the pumpkin picking? It's not the sort of thing you drive an hour each way for! And they are allowed to see each other without you! If it were all the siblings at the picking and not you, then yes, you might have a point, but it wasn't!

This type of behaviour from you would be enough to drive people away.

I meant not having to talk to me etc.

No of course not. They go to completely different schools, have different friends. My son attends a specialist SEND school.

My point was about the pumpkin picking not the sleepover. As you say, I sent my 13 year old son to my Mum’s for my daughter’s sleepover party. It’s about the ‘family’ day out and us not included more than the sleepover. I do want my kids to be part of a big family. I don’t have anything like that on my side so it all comes from the DH’s side! I don’t want to ruin that. I just wanted to feel a bit hurt, I guess.

Yes, I have read the OP's posts.

Perhaps you should consider doing the same @Nanny0gg ?

This. Plus I wouldn't make the decision on behalf of any child that they can no longer see their cousins / aunts / uncles. It's not fair and long term they may resent you for that. Think ahead into the future when they are grown ups themselves. Would you rather they were estranged because you felt put out at one time or another. It's hurtful I do get that and have felt similar myself but would try to manage it if I could rather than cut the children off from their wider family. Maybe try talking to them about it?

@ladyrushfordYADNBU! I think this is awful of them and I would be really upset and annoyed by it. Unacceptable.

I was 18. I imagine, like a lot of 18 year olds, I was a massive dick! You know? Annoying know-it-all etc etc! I probably did something twattish!

I don’t know what drip feed means in this context but I don’t have any major dark secrets I’m afraid. I was with my DH for 10 years before we married - I’m several years older than all my siblings in law but not a huge gap.

I was very young when I met my DH - I no doubt behaved like a massive dick.

How young and what was the massive dick behaviour? @ladyrushford

I see your post about the other siblings.

Two siblings are still allowed to meet up without another. They don't have to invite you to everything.

They don't have to be your best friends and vice versa. Don't give it a second though. Your DD like it that is the good part.
You have to do nothing. If another occasion arise say yes or no depending on your agenda and situation.
I have two brothers and I do different things with each of them and no one feels bad about it.

Including the whole family day out after? You’d probably say that was probably only suitable for real family , some day out activities are like that.

Why are you so desperate for their friendship? Why would anyone invite someone they don’t particularly get along with to their baby shower or hen do? Are you friendless?

You really need to grow up a bit. People don’t owe you days out and friendship just because you’re family. They probably wanted to have a nice day out with people they like, and there’s nothing wrong with that.