To be hurt children were excluded from a family day out this weekend?

[ladyrushford]

Hello. So - bit of a thing this. I married the oldest son of five siblings (4 boys, 1 girls)!and three of the siblings have children of their own. My DH and I have 3 - DS1 (13), DD (11) and DS2 (4). Two of my husband’s brothers have two kids a piece so there are 8 cousins in total. Our DD gets on really well with one of her cousins, a girl who is 9. Our oldest son has severe cognitive delays and tends to keep to himself. He is also the oldest of all the cousins (there are 8) but he loves his family and loves seeing his cousins, just expresses it differently.

Anyway, my SIL invited my daughter over for a sleepover with two of her cousins. There was no invitation for my two sons, which I put down to age and perhaps need as well. My oldest son was quite upset he wasn’t invited but I tried not make a big thing of it and said it was likely he was a lot older than the others. But it didn’t sit well with me. My DH shrugged it off as he doesn’t like conflict or confrontation of any kind.

My BIL actually collected our DD on Saturday (off his own back). We live an hour away, the majority of the family are relatively close to one another. I am not very close to my IL’s though I tried for years to get on better terms with my SILs (wives of my husband’s brothers) but all invitations/suggestions were always politely rebuffed. I am not invited to a lot of events - baby showers, engagement parties etc. i find out after the fact. It stings but what can I do? We’ve never fallen out but something is rotten.

DD goes for the sleepover. On Sunday I see a big host of photos on WhatsApp. Two of the brothers and their families were in the pictures with all their kids. Only myself, DH and two sons were excluded. They didn’t even hide it - but took photos as if to brag about what a lovely day they were having?? I can’t think why they thought this would be ok and for the first time my DH is quite shocked by the behaviour towards us and also can’t understand why this would happen? I feel like it comes back to their dislike of me (without making it all about me) because what possible reason would they have to exclude their nephews? I do wonder if they just don’t want my older, complex needs son around which would make me very, very angry. I can’t work out why they don’t care about my 4 year old?

My daughter had a great time but I realise now we can’t let this happen again as we’re essentially allowing the exclusion of two of our kids. I don’t need to be best mates with everyone but I’ve never had a problem with my SILs (I do now though, the fucking bitches). I collected her from their house on Sunday and spent the entire drive rehearsing what would I say, then bottled it, purely out of respect for my husband. They even asked after my sons, and I said, ‘they would have loved to have come to the pumpkin picking thing’ but it was completely ignored.

Would I AIBU to just wash my hands of them all, and cut contact? I never feel welcome and only see them at my PILs house and honestly, they aren’t my biggest fans either. It’s exhausting but I keep the peace for my husband and for kids? So they have a big loving family (I don’t have cousins, or aunts or uncles or anything like that). But I’ve had enough of this and feel it will just hurt all my kids in the long run, even though my daughter adores her cousins so much.

So…AIBU to just never see them again??

Why are you so desperate to go pumpkin picking with two people you don’t really like? I don’t understand this at all. You plainly state that you aren’t close to these people. They clearly feel the same way. Why all the drama?

Are the grandparents on the scene? If so how do they treat you?

It wasn't whole family, 2 sibs out of 5?

So you've got 3 kids. 4, 11 and 13.

One brother has 2 kids. 9 and 5

One brother has two kids. 6 and 4.

Where's the 8th kid? That's 7.

Your 11 is invited to the sleepover with 9. 5 also lives in that house so presumably you aren't trying to find annoyance that these 3 continued on to do an event together.

The existing 3 from the sleepover house, are joined by 6 and 4 the following day. That's two adult siblings and their children, plus your DD because she was there from a sleepover the night before. 3 of the 5 adult siblings weren't there. If you are insistent there are 8 children, then 3 weren't present.

You seem very determined to make this all about you.

It’s about the ‘family’ day out and us not included more than the sleepover.

OP, we don't have all the backstory on how everyone has behaved through the relationship, the ways your various DC get along, or individual personalities. Maybe they're terrible people, maybe you're difficult, maybe you all just don't fit together in a social context, and maybe it's a mix of all of those.

But I'm going to push back on repeatedly labeling this a "family day out" that you were excluded from. There is a difference between a full-family function and two families getting together to do an activity. It's ok for one set of siblings or SILs to be friends and do things (like invite one family they all get along with to meet at a pumpkin patch the way people do with friends) without the entire extended family. Relatives should be allowed to enjoy each other's company without making everything an all-are-welcome event with a dozen or more people.

Yeah fair.

My guess is that the pumpkin picking has been arranged between the two of them as a fly away thing to do as opposed to a big get together. And your dd has inadvertently been included because of the sleepover. I don't really see a huge issue to be honest, not everyone gels well and I don't think everything needs to include everyone. I'm also wondering if they've thought that it might be an inconvenience for you travelling an hour with your eldest and youngest so they've tried to save you "bother" without checking if it's actually a bother at all. I think all you can do (if you still want to foster a good relationship) is make a point of inviting them to things and if they keep refusing then I think your dh can have a quiet word to simply understand their perspective without it having to become a drama. It sounds like there's a lot of unknown factors here to give advice other than trying to improve the communication.

My husband has a sister who lives abroad. She has 8th the child but he’s only a baby 👶

Ok so not the sleep over but you guys could have been invited to pumpkin picking.. Your husband needs to say something …
They’re not a nice bunch so they’re not ..
I know you’re saying everyone doesn’t have to like one another & get on , but to deliberately exclude from Hen party , engagement party , baby shower, well that’s being a bitch !, it’s not like it was going to be a one on one , there was going to be a crowd, there mustn’t be much good in them .. They know rightly your feelings are being hurt & 2 of them then with it .. 2 bullies ..
I hope you have a nice family & friends yourself OP ..x

Yes that’s very likely the truth of it isn’t it?

And I probably am making it all about me, which is silly, isn’t it? And I don’t want to say anything or do anything at all about it, I’m not doing to mention it or raise it or say anything to anyone because what good would it do?

I was just feeling a bit ‘ouch’ about it all.

So you're even including people that aren't in the country? 8 kids and your two boys were the only ones excluded.

How about the one not even in the country? Counted to make the numbers higher, but completely irrelevant to the actual logistics.

This is all about you. Very main character energy.

How is she desperate for their friendship !!!!
You sound like you’d get on perfectly with them ..
It costs nothing to be kind & nice ..
Why exclude OP from everything???, from what I read anyway there’s never been confrontation , only the 2 deciding they don’t like her for no reason !!!!

Sorry this is really confusing every one!

1 - my DH (3 kids)
2 - BIL (married two kids)
3 - BIL (married two kids - had my DD for sleepover)
4 - SIL (1 kids, lives abroad).
5 - not married, 0 kids.

She didn't want her 13 year-old to be invited for a sleepover.

So, yes I have

You've said they all live near each other and you're an hour away. That's why they aren't inviting you in all liklihood, they're closer because they spend more time together.

Where i live, the various pumpkin picking places get booked up months in advance. Could it be these 2 women (because they are friends and live near each other and are also sister in laws) booked it ages ago and thats why you couldn't go?

Sorry my point was I didn’t understand why if two full families were going pumpkin picking why wasn’t my entire family included? Of course my DD loved it but even my DH was a bit hurt they didn’t invite us.

And I don’t dislike them. I’ve always thought they were alright. I just wanted our kids to get along and do stuff together. I don’t have any cousins or siblings so I always think it’s really cool when they all get together.

I wouldn't have the 13 year sleepover in a house with younger girls because:
A) Since when would a teenage boy enjoy that?
B) it's a safeguarding thing for me. I don't want to have to supervise my children with a presumably post-pubertal child in the house staying up late at night having fun. It's a blanket rule for me - I won't let child sleepover if there is anyone I don't know in the house or a post-pubertal male child.
C) the 9 year old is entitled to spend time with people she likes on her own without her siblings all coming as an inseparable unit.

But the rest of it..... Your extended family are being knobs, or really insensitive. One of the two.

This. Nor would I invite three children, including a four year old and a child with additional needs, to a sleepover, when their home was an hour away — far too many weeping pleas to go home at 3 am in my experience.

I think you’re overreacting, OP. There’s no reason to think they’re excluding your children.

this is absolutely it. And there's nothing wrong with that. If your kid has complex needs that they don't feel they can meet then that's fair enough I think.

Exactly this. I'd find it weird to have to invite all my siblings whenever I want to spend time with one of them.

Perhaps you should re-read what the OP wrote:

Anyway, my SIL invited my daughter over for a sleepover with two of her cousins. There was no invitation for my two sons, which I put down to age and perhaps need as well. My oldest son was quite upset he wasn’t invited but I tried not make a big thing of it and said it was likely he was a lot older than the others. But it didn’t sit well with me. My DH shrugged it off as he doesn’t like conflict or confrontation of any kind.

Exactly. Mn has a disproportionate number of posters who struggle with friendships and family relationships, and who are on high alert for ‘exclusions’ or friends doing things without them. Meanwhile the rest of us recognise that you don’t need to invite everyone to everything.

Whilst I understand about the sleepover and not inviting your sons to that as your older sons needs could be more than they can manage without you (my DD's needs would be more than anyone in our families could manage) and 4 is too young for a sleepover. They could and should have messaged you and said "Hey we was thinking about getting together to do this on this day and this time. Was just wondering if you guys and the boys wanted to join us?". I'd be really pissed off at that and yes I'd wash my hands of them especially if this was a regular occurance.

Honestly your eldest was too old and wouldn't have enjoyed it as he prefers to be alone. Your youngest was just too young for the sleep over. You're massively over reacting. Your daughter was invited because she matched the age range and would have enjoyed it.