To be hurt children were excluded from a family day out this weekend?

[ladyrushford]

Hello. So - bit of a thing this. I married the oldest son of five siblings (4 boys, 1 girls)!and three of the siblings have children of their own. My DH and I have 3 - DS1 (13), DD (11) and DS2 (4). Two of my husband’s brothers have two kids a piece so there are 8 cousins in total. Our DD gets on really well with one of her cousins, a girl who is 9. Our oldest son has severe cognitive delays and tends to keep to himself. He is also the oldest of all the cousins (there are 8) but he loves his family and loves seeing his cousins, just expresses it differently.

Anyway, my SIL invited my daughter over for a sleepover with two of her cousins. There was no invitation for my two sons, which I put down to age and perhaps need as well. My oldest son was quite upset he wasn’t invited but I tried not make a big thing of it and said it was likely he was a lot older than the others. But it didn’t sit well with me. My DH shrugged it off as he doesn’t like conflict or confrontation of any kind.

My BIL actually collected our DD on Saturday (off his own back). We live an hour away, the majority of the family are relatively close to one another. I am not very close to my IL’s though I tried for years to get on better terms with my SILs (wives of my husband’s brothers) but all invitations/suggestions were always politely rebuffed. I am not invited to a lot of events - baby showers, engagement parties etc. i find out after the fact. It stings but what can I do? We’ve never fallen out but something is rotten.

DD goes for the sleepover. On Sunday I see a big host of photos on WhatsApp. Two of the brothers and their families were in the pictures with all their kids. Only myself, DH and two sons were excluded. They didn’t even hide it - but took photos as if to brag about what a lovely day they were having?? I can’t think why they thought this would be ok and for the first time my DH is quite shocked by the behaviour towards us and also can’t understand why this would happen? I feel like it comes back to their dislike of me (without making it all about me) because what possible reason would they have to exclude their nephews? I do wonder if they just don’t want my older, complex needs son around which would make me very, very angry. I can’t work out why they don’t care about my 4 year old?

My daughter had a great time but I realise now we can’t let this happen again as we’re essentially allowing the exclusion of two of our kids. I don’t need to be best mates with everyone but I’ve never had a problem with my SILs (I do now though, the fucking bitches). I collected her from their house on Sunday and spent the entire drive rehearsing what would I say, then bottled it, purely out of respect for my husband. They even asked after my sons, and I said, ‘they would have loved to have come to the pumpkin picking thing’ but it was completely ignored.

Would I AIBU to just wash my hands of them all, and cut contact? I never feel welcome and only see them at my PILs house and honestly, they aren’t my biggest fans either. It’s exhausting but I keep the peace for my husband and for kids? So they have a big loving family (I don’t have cousins, or aunts or uncles or anything like that). But I’ve had enough of this and feel it will just hurt all my kids in the long run, even though my daughter adores her cousins so much.

So…AIBU to just never see them again??

Christ what did she do??

YABU not to say anything to them. You bottled it when you should have said something when you picked your daughter up.
I don't buy into this 'don't like conflict/confrontation' blah blah blah bullshit. They treat you this way because you you let them and rather than calling them out now on their absolute spitefulness you're going to quietly 'wash your hands of them' 🙄

I have family who now exclude my daughter and I. I’m very hurt. They meet up and do things often and we are not invited. We used to be and now we are not. It was gradual. Initially we were invited for only some things, then for only part of only some things. It became obvious that there were WhatsApp/messenger groups I was not in. The partial invitations we did have were last minute (to events which would have been arranged months in advance) we were clearly an afterthought.

I blocked them all two years ago after I saw they all met up and we weren’t invited at all. I politely declined the single invitation we have had since (I believe my mother intervened, although I specifically asked her not to) I would rather be authentically excluded than inauthentically included when I am not genuinely wanted. Who knows when they might do it again? I go to an annual whole family event so as not to cause a drama.

I don’t blame or resent them, I’m just sad for me. I’m very lonely. I don’t have a partner or siblings and my parents live abroad. In a couple of years, I will move away and stop going to anything. I respect their choice and my only real option is to shield myself from it and try to move on.

I think your last post was very reflective and sensible. I don't see the point in having a big fall-out when it's not your siblings and you live a way away and your daughter was simply included as she was sleeping over and has a particular friendship with the only other girl.

It isn't going to be the big happy family with all cousins getting on that you want, and I think it's better to accept that. One of my relations pretty much ignored my children when they were young, not ideal but as they have aged they get on better.

If people are nasty, then move aside. This doesn't seem like a nasty exclusion though, more two families who live close hanging out, and then your daughter being there for another reason. I suspect had she not been at the sleepover, they wouldn't have invited her specifically for that occasion although sounds like her cousin does love being with her.

These things ebb and flow. I don't see the point in forcing families. A sleepover for the one cousin who is a genuine friend of your dd's is a good idea. All this 'family days out' when that's not really what anyone wants isn't going to be happening. I do feel why you are sad though as you would love your boys to be part of a bigger accepting family, but I'm not sure these exist sometimes in quite the way we imagine.

They didn’t invite you to the pumpkin picking as then the kids who were staying over would have been going back to their house and then what …your boys would have been asking why aren’t they going back to the house or having a sleepover….this is why I expect. They felt awkward they don’t know how to interact with your eldest or manage him and his health issues and frankly don’t want to. That’s their loss and a lot of people are unfortunately very similar but frankly this is something your husband should have brought up with them YEARS ago!! How the make you feel and why do they said no to every single invitation

why wasn’t my entire family included?

But you bloody well know the answer to this question - why do you keep asking it?

They don’t enjoy the company of your entire family.

They don’t live near your entire family

They are not close enough to your entire family for things not to be awkward if your entire family is there.

the only reason your daughter went, was because she was already there. She wouldn’t have been invited either, given the usual distance.

I just cannot understand why you keep asking the same question when you plainly know it is because you are not close to them.

It seems unlikely that pumpkin picking for two families with young children was a spur of the moment thing, so it's not unlikely that the DD was invited for a sleep over with her attending that activity in mind.

Also an hour away isn't that far - not far enough away to exclude family that have shown interest in being included.

I don’t think very well of your husband that for years you’ve been excluded and it’s okay just suck it up, you’re being paranoid. But as soon as it happens to him he’s upset.

Unless you are a right bitch or have been in the past I think your in laws are rude to exclude you from everything. You don’t have to be invited to all events but the occasional event at least.

This..just let your dd have her time away and enjoy her cousins.. all of your kids dont need to go everywhere together. And the ages are totally not suitable for this. So much drama..don't over think it so much.

So it was only 2 brothers and their wives/kids who met up? Out of 5 siblings in total? Meaning as well as you and DH being "excluded" so were the other 2 siblings and the grandparents?

If so I wouldn't call that exclusion tbh given more people weren't invited than were. I can imagine that with such a big family it would be a nightmare to always invite everyone to everything, and would consider members meeting up in smaller groups completely fine.

I appreciate there has been a history of some exclusion but I don't really see any issue with this one particular instance.

That’s pretty bad behaviour by them.

Sorry OP, it sounds awful. Family dynamics with in-laws is a common problem in so many forums.

Both DH and I could say the same for each other’s families. My family wasn’t so loving for a long time and vice versa, DH’s family is kind but distant. I tried to connect with my SIL and was rebuffed a few times.

Best to step away. You already have a lovely family with three children so you already a busy, full house. Think about the cousins as extras and when it suits you, then participate in a visit if invited or organise one. I would think about muting notifications on social media and not like a picture or comment or anything. Save that energy for your own brood.

Many of us grew up not knowing cousins or meeting them once or twice in our lifetimes and we are all fine. Of course there are others who may have closer relationships but I probably hear more people who don’t have them.

I barely saw my cousins growing up and less so as an adult. DH has more than me and he hasn’t heard or seen his in a long time too.

It does seem odd.

I'd step back and stop asking to meet for coffee etc, as they clearly don't want to.

But I can understand that your DD was invited, and your sons weren't, given their ages. It just wouldn't have been the same for the girls.

So only 2 girls. Your dd 11 and 9yr cousin

rest are boys. So 456 yr boys and then your eldest who is 13 and youngest 4

yes all age cousins play but sleepovers for a 13yr and then 456 age boys are very diff - if nothing else time of bedtime would be hugely diff

your eldest likes to be own and youngest with Sen would be possibly hard work and you an hour away

This is why they weren’t invited

as someone else said - Honestly your eldest was too old and wouldn't have enjoyed it as he prefers to be alone. Your youngest was just too young for the sleep over. You're massively over reacting. Your daughter was invited because she matched the age range and would have enjoyed it.

are the parents alive as in mil and fil

seems very strange you don’t get invited to hen do’s or baby showers - I would either ask why or get dh to ask

you get ignored anyway so can’t make it worse

DH is one of five siblings. Event hosted by sibling 1, sibling 2 lives abroad, siblings 3 and 4 were at the gathering with their families. So DH - sibling 5 - and his family were the only ones not invited.

I see that you have decided not to say anything and I agree with that and most of the other previous comments. I actually think they might think they have done something nice for you. They came to pick up your daughter when you live an hour away, they had her sleep over, then they brought her for a fun day out! It also seems that the two sister-in-laws are not your husband’s actual siblings - it’s the brothers who are. In that case, they aren’t his blood relatives and whatever relationship they may have with each other is beyond anyone’s control and it’s not really his family excluding you (if that’s the case other times). You all just happened to marry into the same family and those two women get along better for whatever reason. It might be a nice gesture if you invite your niece for a sleepover at yours next time to return the favour.

@ladyrushford Oh man I felt all the pain with this one. Exclusion- even reasonable exclusion- will always hurt.

I have a brother with high support needs. Having friends was always an issue, because he didn't have a social life of anyone his age when we started getting older. The fact is most people don't have the capacity to look after someone with high support needs.

I genuinely have nothing other than a handhold for your entire family. It is only going to get more stressful as your daughter tries to have "normal" social life, but is torn between that and being around her brother. She is always going to have to chose, and things will always be unfair, and she will always feel guilty to some degree.

I genuinely think that your family was doing a nice thing, and didn't think about the wider context of what happened. As you are a bit isolated from them they might not have even considered that your son wanted to come because he doesn't interact with them alot.

Cut them off they are fucking bitches and assholes.
dont let them near ur kids they dont give a shite about them. Don’t blame urself this is all on them.

I think if your DH was upset that you both and your other kids were not invited to pumpkin picking he should raise it with in laws himself. His family - his battles.
There is a slight chance that it wasn’t planned in advance but just happened however I wouldn’t count on this. BiL picked your DD up because he didn’t want you to drop her off and see that family event was happening.
We don’t know why they don’t like you it could be age difference or anything else. They also clearly are not interested in relationship with your sons. However nothing much you can do about it in reality.

No.

Sibling 1 and 2 went, sibling 3 lives abroad, sibling 4 is OPs DH, sibling 5 is single and doesn't have kids so apparently doesn't count. Even discounting the sibling abroad, 2 out of 4 weren't there.

Given the relationship history, I do think this was a deliberate exclusion. People are saying 'only 2/5 were invited!' but pumpkin picking is an activity for children. The reality is only one family in the general area with children of the right age weren't invited. Being an hour away wouldn't have stopped them inviting you if the relationship was good, especially as someone needed to do a two-hour round trip to pick up/drop off your DD.

People are correct that you can't force a relationship, and I think it's wise to take a step back and not bother inviting them to things anymore. And while they're under no obligation to be your BFFs, not inviting you to big gatherings like baby showers, where they wouldn't have to engage with you one-on-one, is a bit rubbish.

I would take a step further than you've proposed and leave liaising with his family up to DH. If the SILs message you about something with DD, just reply with "I'm sure she'd love to. I'll let you talk to DH about the details." Then tell your DH he needs to manage the fallout with your older son that has occurred because of the actions of his family.

I don’t actually think you’re being unreasonable. It’s one thing to have had your DD only for the sleepover, due to age / gender / needs of your two boys. But they could have invited you to meet them the next day for the pumpkin picking. For those saying it wasn’t the whole family, it was just two siblings out of 5 - but OP’s DD was there! So no it wasn’t just two siblings!

Probably nothing that bad, just normal teenage behavior, but the siblings are self involved, and don't know how to be adults and move on, so they ice her out completely in utterly selfish behavior.

Exactly this! Given you can’t see this so obviously, I highly doubt your version of being ‘exluded’ all the time.

I think the two SILs happen to get on very well together and really like including your DD. And that’s a good, positive, kind thing which you wouldn’t want to jeopardise.
Hard as it is for you, it’s best not to show your two boys that there’s any reason to feel hurt or excluded which means you have to regulate your own feelings of exclusion first. I think you have done well to dial down your upset after the sensible comments on here. It’s easy to become a bit paranoid about feeling excluded when it happens repeatedly so I do feel for you.

But, if your DH felt excluded by his two brothers when you weren't invited to the next day pumpkin picking I think it’s up to him to have a reasonable word with them or one of them at least, to find out why and how that happened. There could be a simple enough explanation to make you both feel lighter about it all and maybe they would also then be a bit more mindful.

Maybe it’s your DH who needs to try harder with his siblings so that you all benefit better as a family. Has he generally been close to them as they all grew up or has there distance for some other reason, big age gap maybe?