To be hurt children were excluded from a family day out this weekend?

[ladyrushford]

Hello. So - bit of a thing this. I married the oldest son of five siblings (4 boys, 1 girls)!and three of the siblings have children of their own. My DH and I have 3 - DS1 (13), DD (11) and DS2 (4). Two of my husband’s brothers have two kids a piece so there are 8 cousins in total. Our DD gets on really well with one of her cousins, a girl who is 9. Our oldest son has severe cognitive delays and tends to keep to himself. He is also the oldest of all the cousins (there are 8) but he loves his family and loves seeing his cousins, just expresses it differently.

Anyway, my SIL invited my daughter over for a sleepover with two of her cousins. There was no invitation for my two sons, which I put down to age and perhaps need as well. My oldest son was quite upset he wasn’t invited but I tried not make a big thing of it and said it was likely he was a lot older than the others. But it didn’t sit well with me. My DH shrugged it off as he doesn’t like conflict or confrontation of any kind.

My BIL actually collected our DD on Saturday (off his own back). We live an hour away, the majority of the family are relatively close to one another. I am not very close to my IL’s though I tried for years to get on better terms with my SILs (wives of my husband’s brothers) but all invitations/suggestions were always politely rebuffed. I am not invited to a lot of events - baby showers, engagement parties etc. i find out after the fact. It stings but what can I do? We’ve never fallen out but something is rotten.

DD goes for the sleepover. On Sunday I see a big host of photos on WhatsApp. Two of the brothers and their families were in the pictures with all their kids. Only myself, DH and two sons were excluded. They didn’t even hide it - but took photos as if to brag about what a lovely day they were having?? I can’t think why they thought this would be ok and for the first time my DH is quite shocked by the behaviour towards us and also can’t understand why this would happen? I feel like it comes back to their dislike of me (without making it all about me) because what possible reason would they have to exclude their nephews? I do wonder if they just don’t want my older, complex needs son around which would make me very, very angry. I can’t work out why they don’t care about my 4 year old?

My daughter had a great time but I realise now we can’t let this happen again as we’re essentially allowing the exclusion of two of our kids. I don’t need to be best mates with everyone but I’ve never had a problem with my SILs (I do now though, the fucking bitches). I collected her from their house on Sunday and spent the entire drive rehearsing what would I say, then bottled it, purely out of respect for my husband. They even asked after my sons, and I said, ‘they would have loved to have come to the pumpkin picking thing’ but it was completely ignored.

Would I AIBU to just wash my hands of them all, and cut contact? I never feel welcome and only see them at my PILs house and honestly, they aren’t my biggest fans either. It’s exhausting but I keep the peace for my husband and for kids? So they have a big loving family (I don’t have cousins, or aunts or uncles or anything like that). But I’ve had enough of this and feel it will just hurt all my kids in the long run, even though my daughter adores her cousins so much.

So…AIBU to just never see them again??

And I shouldn’t have called then fucking bitches. That was really immature and mean of me. I wouldn’t say that to their faces - I was lashing out on the internet. I shouldn’t have done that. It just felt very, very personal and it took me by surprise. I thought it was just a sleepover, which was lovely in itself.

OP do you have friends locally to you? Do you have people you see frequently, do your children have good local friendships? You just seem to be placing an awful lot on this family dynamic when they’re an hours drive away. I’d focus your energy on those close to home who don’t cause any upset!!

Op, yanbu to be hurt and pissed off. It's rude isn't it to take your dd for a trip out but not bother asking you and your dh to join. Yes the distance I suppose was a factor or it could've been last minute, whatever.

It is inconsiderate to exclude people like this.

Sadly, there is nothing you can do. Your dh having a word would be awks, they'd just gaslight and deny.

Just accept it for what it is, auntie is happy to have dd occasionally and be grateful your dd gets some fun with the cousins.

It is shit though .

Have I missed a cousin, you say 8 but you have 3 and 2 brothers have 2 each =7?

YABU, although I understand your hurt. The cousin and your DD are close in age and the same sex. Your boys are 4 or 5 years' different? It's normal for them to do things separately. Has your DH asked about the pumpkin picking? Maybe that was a last minute thing.

Between us, my sibling and I have 4 children,2 each. One pair is very close in age (same sex) the other are same sex but 5 years apart. The close in age cousins spend loads of time together, my other DC doesn't get invited as much because as kids, 5 years is a big gap. And that's fine. They have a good relationship and one day maybe they'll be closer from unforced proximity!

You have multiple children and simply cannot expect all children of different ages and genders to want to hang out with all their cousins. Some are closer than others. Just because they're family it doesn't mean they have to force friendships.

you wouldn't expect to have your sons invited to a family friends sleepover when it's just DD, I don't see this as any different.
I would allow your DD to continue the closeness she has and not try and force or make a point of not inviting your sons. Organise play dates for your sons and fill their cups away from the cousins.

forcing friendships and self inviting your other children, one with additional needs, isn't going to make anything anymore comfortable for anybody.

tough position to be in, but this is very normal in families to be closer to some than others and it's not necessarily a bad thing.

None of that matters. The fact is the grown ups are brothers so they should have invited the other sibling and his wife.

Cousins do not all have to be the exact same ages for these family days out.

There's no 'should' about who you have to invite to go pumpkin-picking, any more than there are 'shoulds' about having to invite all siblings to a sleepover purely because it involves cousins rather than friends.

Realistically, is anyone really going to want to drive for an hour with two children of very different ages, to spend maybe half an hour or an hour picking a pumpkin before going home again, and which was possibly a fairly last-minute thing, anyway?

Because I think that's part of the issue when one person is coming from a distance and everyone else is local -- the long-distance person invariably wants to stay longer, or have a collective lunch, or go back to someone's house afterwards to make it worth their while having driven all that way, whereas for the local people, who have other routine things going on on the average weekend day, they may just want a quick trip to the pumpkin farm and then to get on with grocery shopping, delivering children to sports and birthday parties, chores etc.

not really as we moved here fairly recently. I work full time so I haven’t quite settled into the area. I’m slowly trying to get myself out there but the reality of it I’m a carer as well as a parent so nights out, joining clubs etc becomes an extra complication. My husband works away, long days and nights, in his role but when he’s physically at home he’s great.

I guess I sound a bit desperate to be part of the family! I just wanted to understand why they’d not include my sons if it was a big day out but a lot of people feel I’m being quite selfish and immature about it all so I’ll take it on the chin!

I wouldn’t call pumkin picking a big day out. It’s like a pp said half an hour in a field.

I think it is however hammering home that you have no village, for fun or help.

I take it you had to move for work.

I guess I sound a bit desperate to be part of the family! I just wanted to understand why they’d not include my sons if it was a big day out but a lot of people feel I’m being quite selfish and immature about it all so I’ll take it on the chin!

Maybe it wasn’t a big day out …just an hour or so. Choosing a pumpkin doesn’t take long.
But I do think that because your DH was upset by not being asked, instead of asking him not to say anything, you could in fact, encourage him to ask his brothers how it all came about- if he felt inclined to do so.
There may be a simple explanation.

I think it’s fine, I’m part of a big family and it would be ridiculous if everyone was invited to everything.

So the kids in this country are girls aged 11 and 9, boys aged 13, 6,5,4 and 4?

Unfortunately - SEN aside - the 13 year old is likely to be less close to his cousins because of age and sex difference. The younger boys may become closer as they all grow up and can ask for their cousins to come to things, just as the 9 and 11 year old girls are asking for each other at sleepovers etc now.

DH's sister and DH's brother's wife are much closer to each other than I am to either of them, and both have a DD aged 11, so their DDs are also close. My kids are older and are boys, so although everyone gets on and will kick a ball about or whatever at occasional whole family events, my two SILs will plan more stuff together, and I think that's fine.

I don’t know why everyone is reading your situation the wrong way. It’s not rocket science!

For older and younger son not to be invited to the sleepover that’s fine. OP knows this.

The day out which obviously included coordination to get it organised, potentially buy tickets for a large group etc this is what the OP is upset about being left out of. And she is fully justified in this!

it’s not nice to be left out especially when it comes to kids being left out. It could have been a really fun day with all the cousins making memories together. But for whatever reason your in laws are actually being bitches so you were also justified there.

keep your head help high and feck them. I would want to say something but that’ll just give them something to talk about. Let daughter continue with her lovely cousin bestie relationship. And don’t even bother inviting SILs anymore for anything. Let them be bitches together. You don’t need them.

the absolute pile on in this thread by some people is shocking. It’s not hard to decipher what went on and that op was hurt. Let her rant ffs and provide some comfort.

Why are the SILs "bitches" rather than the brothers of OP's DH "gits" for not including their own brother?

(I disagree with your premise anyway, but make the woman-blaming make sense...)

I missed previous comments about it being 30min in a field.
I always assumed people spent a couple of hours at pumpkin picking. I never seem to be able to find the time to do it.
Maybe next year!!!

Op I wouldn't be doing a 2 hour round trip for that.

Well I don’t suppose the BILs had control of the guest lists for hen nights and baby showers.

Calling them bitches as she’s been left out numerous times. The brothers are also tw@ts for continuing to let a family member to be left out time and time again. Hope that balances it out for you

unless you have booked some big event type place with a proper cafe, colouring in stands and some type of entertainment. It’s very much a muddy farmers field with maybe a few Halloween spooky decorations, and some hay bales with stacks of pumpkins to take photos near.

I couldn’t spend hours there it would be cold and boring after a couple of photos and picking what ones you like.

Easier to blame the married in.

You have a point though. Why isn’t it on the brothers to invite their brothers family. Why are women once again getting the blame for making their own plans.

Sils Inviting each other as they are actually friends.

The post specifically referenced the pumpkin picking

(separately, I don't think anyone should be obliged to invite family on their hen/stag do unless they also consider them friends)

Thanks - it really sounds like I'm not missing much. It is sounding like one of those things peoples haybale FB photos make it look more exciting than it is.

Sorry to take the thread of track.

Agreed. I mean, I'm genuinely fond of two of my SILs, and enjoy seeing them at DH's family events, but it would never have occurred to me to invite them to that kind of thing.

I don't understand why your not invited to family events that's hurtful and sounds a lot like a family clique.
Your daughter being invited to a sleepover was it just girls or if mixed are they the same ages more or less.. maybe that was a factor in it.
It's a difficult one stopping your daughter going if the others arnt invited and her missing out.
I would have it out with hubby's family as to why your treated like this regardless of him not liking confrontation .
Don't be a doormat to them show them you won't put up with it any longer by speaking your mind .

If only 3/4's of the mums on here would learn to read before being so judgemental it would be a great start..alot of these mums sound like they would be great friends with your SILS..unfortunately some families don't get along for no reason no matter how much you try..I'd let your daughter have her friendship with her cousin and just ignore the rest of them but really your husband should have sorted this out way before now..good luck going forward 💕

Greetings LadyRushford
God Bless You&Yours
Not in a million years do I think you're being unreasonable whatsoever 😢
I'm heartbroken for you & completely compassionately comprehend & empathise, wholeheartedly
I've Twins & during their earlier years, my more highly functioning Twin Child got invited to some more Birthday parties etc
I had to just say directly to the parent, it wasn't fair to exclude one, because they went everywhere together at this time
Most oftentimes the parent would apologise profusely & then invite both my Twin Children
Most surely I believe in the power of communication & just outrightly, straightforwardly asking them why did they not invite your Sons too?
What have you got to lose? You could only gain insight & maybe invités for your lovely Sons too, from that day forth
Worth a try, we don't know until we try
Wishing You&Yours All The Utmost Very Best 💚🕯️💚