To be hurt children were excluded from a family day out this weekend?

[ladyrushford]

Hello. So - bit of a thing this. I married the oldest son of five siblings (4 boys, 1 girls)!and three of the siblings have children of their own. My DH and I have 3 - DS1 (13), DD (11) and DS2 (4). Two of my husband’s brothers have two kids a piece so there are 8 cousins in total. Our DD gets on really well with one of her cousins, a girl who is 9. Our oldest son has severe cognitive delays and tends to keep to himself. He is also the oldest of all the cousins (there are 8) but he loves his family and loves seeing his cousins, just expresses it differently.

Anyway, my SIL invited my daughter over for a sleepover with two of her cousins. There was no invitation for my two sons, which I put down to age and perhaps need as well. My oldest son was quite upset he wasn’t invited but I tried not make a big thing of it and said it was likely he was a lot older than the others. But it didn’t sit well with me. My DH shrugged it off as he doesn’t like conflict or confrontation of any kind.

My BIL actually collected our DD on Saturday (off his own back). We live an hour away, the majority of the family are relatively close to one another. I am not very close to my IL’s though I tried for years to get on better terms with my SILs (wives of my husband’s brothers) but all invitations/suggestions were always politely rebuffed. I am not invited to a lot of events - baby showers, engagement parties etc. i find out after the fact. It stings but what can I do? We’ve never fallen out but something is rotten.

DD goes for the sleepover. On Sunday I see a big host of photos on WhatsApp. Two of the brothers and their families were in the pictures with all their kids. Only myself, DH and two sons were excluded. They didn’t even hide it - but took photos as if to brag about what a lovely day they were having?? I can’t think why they thought this would be ok and for the first time my DH is quite shocked by the behaviour towards us and also can’t understand why this would happen? I feel like it comes back to their dislike of me (without making it all about me) because what possible reason would they have to exclude their nephews? I do wonder if they just don’t want my older, complex needs son around which would make me very, very angry. I can’t work out why they don’t care about my 4 year old?

My daughter had a great time but I realise now we can’t let this happen again as we’re essentially allowing the exclusion of two of our kids. I don’t need to be best mates with everyone but I’ve never had a problem with my SILs (I do now though, the fucking bitches). I collected her from their house on Sunday and spent the entire drive rehearsing what would I say, then bottled it, purely out of respect for my husband. They even asked after my sons, and I said, ‘they would have loved to have come to the pumpkin picking thing’ but it was completely ignored.

Would I AIBU to just wash my hands of them all, and cut contact? I never feel welcome and only see them at my PILs house and honestly, they aren’t my biggest fans either. It’s exhausting but I keep the peace for my husband and for kids? So they have a big loving family (I don’t have cousins, or aunts or uncles or anything like that). But I’ve had enough of this and feel it will just hurt all my kids in the long run, even though my daughter adores her cousins so much.

So…AIBU to just never see them again??

where have you got that from? Nothing OP has said suggests 3 siblings were involved, just, "Two of the brothers and their families were in the pictures with all their kids."

As well as the sister who lives abroad not being invited (understandably)
OP and her family weren't invited
The grandparents weren't invited
The single brother wasn't invited.

Or, put another way, out of the 11 adults in the family, only 4 (two couples) met up, because they live nearest each other and have kids the same age.

Sounds fine to me. Trying to arrange every single family outing for when all 19 people could make it (or even "just" 16 if excluding the sister abroad and her family) would be a nightmare.

That’s really bad advice. Op has no power here sadly. If she “speaks up” and lambast them for not inviting her what will they do?! They won’t start inviting her as that would be even more awkward and they likely just then would t invite your Dd either. So frankly there’s not much you can do.

Right. Do you normally throw a strop when someone invites only one of your children to a sleepover? Do you insist that all siblings attend or none?

And two siblings got together with their children to pumpkin-pick because they live close together, and they’re some of OP’s daughter was obviously included because she was sleeping over. This really isn’t evidence of a ‘clique”. Or indeed of anything other than the fact that the OP is lonely and insecure, hasn’t made her own friends locally, and as a result is unduly alert to slights from her DH’s brothers’ families.

Did you miss this in the op 'tried for years to get on better terms with my SILs (wives of my husband’s brothers) but all invitations/suggestions were always politely rebuffed. I am not invited to a lot of events'

This isn't a one of pumpkin picking trip, the op and her dh are constantly excluded. An hour away is no excuse, the op has suggested meet ups and everything is declined. It isn't very nice for one sibling and their dp to be left out like this.

Yes, completely concur with
Totally true & yes absolutely it's not in concerns with the distance, if I'm remembering right, I'm sure the inviter drove to collect original commenter's dear daughter? So most surely, distance wouldn't be a factor 💚

It’s her DH’s family! The op and her two DILs only know one another because of who they happened to marry. It’s pure chance whether they get on or not. It’s not their job to do things as a trio. If her husband is not happy with the level of contact he has with his brothers, that’s his thing to address, if and as he sees fit.

Surely as his dw she is allowed to discuss it here?! I mean yes he could raise it but what is the point, they'll deny there's an issue but actions speak louder than words.
To exclude a sibling and his wife like this is shit.

As I said earlier "I do wonder if they just don’t want my older, complex needs son around which would make me very, very angry. I can’t work out why they don’t care about my 4 year old?" - is a stupid comment. And a very entitled and pointless one.

Anyone can not want to be around your complex needs son, and you can get as angry as you like, but they will still make their own decisions based on their own children and their own needs, not your wants or enraged demands. In fact, the more you get "very very angry" about people making their own decisions the more you and your complex needs son will be avoided.

Not wanting to be around a 4 year old is completely normal depending on the age group of the kids.

And as mentioned, a few weeks ago there was a thread here by a very stupid woman who has destroyed her relationship with her adult daughter. Like the OP, she tried to force her daughter to be the unpaid support person for her son and like the OP would not allow her daughter to have a life, friends and interests without him.

After decades of this abusive behaviour that OP then shrieked viciously at her adult daughter because she would not leave a celebratory weekend with her adult friends and run to visit her brother, per her mother's demands.

The OP there wouldn't listen just as the OP here is refusing to see what she is doing.

This is a well recognised dynamic, where parents of disabled/high needs children try to cram them into their other children's lives.

Your children are not his parents. You are. And only you and your husband are responsible for him.

Life is tough and EVERYONE has their struggles. Your son is his parent's responsiblity and you cannot force others - not even family - to want him around.
If you keep this nonsense up, your daughter and your four year old will lose out. You will not be able to force anybody to include our son, unless they choose to, though you may manage to ruin lots of get togethers, outings and opportunities for your other children along the way.

And once they grow up and realise that their mother tried to force everyone to include their complex needs brother in everything rather than letting them have their own lives and friends, your other children will walk away from you.

The other OPs daughter has gone non contact with her.

Stop trying to control how other people feel, act and who they hang out with. Family included.

You have three children, not one, and no matter your own personal feelings, your complex needs son does not rank more highly than the other two in terms of rights. They are not an amorphous blob. They are not his carers. They are individuals.

And do not pretend your children are not well aware of your stance on them not being allowed to enjoy themselves if the rest of the family is not also invited.

It is abundantly clear that this was NOT a whole happy family event and only you and your husband two children left out. Not at all.

From now on when one gets an invitation just be happy for them and never assume it must include anyone else, and that goes for your complex needs son too. Sorted.

And if you want to see your other family members, invite them to stuff at your house and build a normal, organic relationship with them where you are not "very very angry" at someone making their own choices based on their own family's needs and wants.

What a rude thing to say Worriedalltheday! You don't have to have siblings to understand when people are excluding you to be mean or bully. If your only advice, on an advice question, is to say "your wrong and don't understand life" then perhaps say nothing.

It is fair for OP to be upset that her sons were excluded. OP, I'd talk to your husband and tell him you are very uncomfortable and upset about this and the three options are you directly ask your SILs, he directly asks his brother's about it, or you don't accept any partial invitations in future. I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. It's nasty, high school like behaviour.

@CollsR i don't know that it is bullying in any away.
The SILs just aren't that close to Op, for whatever reason, could be absoutely anything from a different sense of humour to just a different attitude to life in general.

The girl was invited to a sleepover and the two families went out together for a short time the next day.

Maybe none of the other boys are as close to Ops boys as the two girls are.

The 4yo is young to consider sleepovers and the 13yo has learning difficultes.
Maybe sleepovers will happen in time for the 4yo.

@ladyrushford have you considered hosting any of the boy cousins for your 13yo to experience sleepovers.

So are the two sil best friends and look after each other's kids?

It was natural for dd to be invited for sleepover and not included sen dc or 4 yr old.

A conversation could have taken place. We are inviting DD only because is this ok with you guys. It's a bit weird to include 1 without saying why. It's not the same as a sleepover as it's family. Bother with all or none at all unless their is communication as to why.

Are your eldest sons needs manageable to someone other than you ? I only ask cos my daughter has special needs and I think someone other than me or her dad would really struggle to manage her and possibly they felt 4yr old was too young ? However you ALL as a family should of been asked to go if this was the case ,you could have joined the activities and took your sons home to sleep . I think it's strange as they asked your daughter.
I think they feel they couldn't manage your boys for whatever reason ,but their behaviour towards you is still poor just stay away give the same energy back that you receive .

Does anyone think it might have gone like this?

"Dad, can I have cousin Katy for a sleepover on Saturday?"
"Sure, I can pick her up and bring her over"
"Hang on, honey, aren't we doing that pumpkin picking thing with your brother Joe on Saturday?"
"Ah, yes - let's give the place a quick ring and see if we can add another kid and then I'll just pick Katy up a bit earlier so she can come too."

No conspiracy, bullying, whatever PP are envisaging - just a thing that happened.

As one of a large family, this isn't at all practical.

Yes completely concur with you, sincere soul
Your lovely compassionate comment for original commenter, helps restore faith in human-beings
God Bless You&Yours 💚

I think it's absolutely fine for one child to be invited, I have to say if you already have one or two children, having another three children round all of different ages is a LOT. Also nice for DD to have some time without her brother's and just to have a fun sleepover surely

How many children could they have comfortable had to stay over. Do they live in a castle? It sounds as though it would have been chaotic with so many on a sleep over and your eldest and youngest may not have been able to be accommodated on this occasion. How many extra kids could you have sleeping over at your home?

It totally makes sense for them to have invited the DD for sleepover. I'm assuming the girls slept in the same room.

Being fair the 4yo is too young and more like baby sitting than a sleepover.

The 13 yo has special needs and even if they didn't have special needs, its not really appropiate to have a 13 yo boy sleeping over with a 9yo girl, regardless if his sister is there or not.

@ladyrushford have you hosted any sleep overs for the cousins?

I get why you feel left out. However I’m wondering if maybe it might have gone better if when they mentioned the event you asked if you could bring your boys for a bit when you drop your daughter. Rather than leaving it for them to be put out in travelling all that way to collect your daughter, as well as hosting the event.

You are so angry that you are being excluded from the big happy family that you come up with the solution of…….cutting all contact with the big happy family.

Talk about cutting your nose off to spite your face.

Be a bit more easy-going. Not everyone will be involved in everything. Maybe some kids get on better some cousins than they do with others. Maybe the other families are dealing with their own issues. You have made wild conjectures about how they feel about you. Who knows how they all feel about you - and each individual will feel differently - but I can guarantee that if you become angry and vengeful they will all learn to hate you.

Relationships will change and develop over the years. Your best chance of enjoying being part of this family is to be nice to them and give them the benefit of the doubt.

If you decide you really don’t enjoy the company of any individual you can minimise the time you spend with them. Hopefully they won’t get angry and vengeful in response….

In general members of extended families only spend a lot of time together if the adult members enjoy each others company. They don’t tend to meet up for the sake of the children. You don’t really get on with them and you live an hour away. I think you not having an extended family makes you expect too much of your brother’s sibs and their spouses despite you not really liking them much. Concentrate on your nearby friends

@notthisagain2025 Who shit in your cornflakes. Your response is a bit much. You are wildly projecting