How would you feel about this if I was your DIL?

[MickeyThunder]

It’s my husband’s 40th next year, and we’ve been talking about booking a holiday to celebrate. The idea came up in front of my parents, and they said they’d love to come along. My husband was fine with that, so I went ahead today and booked flights for a 4-night break. It’ll be me, my husband, our two kids and my parents.

It’s only just hit me that we/I haven’t mentioned it to my husband’s parents or invited them, and I’m wondering if they might be upset when they find out...

There’s no plan to invite them, Id rather not go if they did to be honest! (and my husband isn’t bothered at all about them being there), but I’m just not sure if we’ll get any backlash or if they will be really hurt.

For context, we get on much better with my parents. They’re very easy-going, and my husband would definitely agree. My FIL, on the other hand, can be quite difficult, and I’m not particularly close to him or my MIL.

On the face of it I think this is rather thoughtless. I wouldn't appreciate it if I was a mil. My dh gets on very well with my parents hut he has a very loving relationship with his own parents. My parents wouldn't dream of inviting themselves along like yours have done as they would see it as overstepping.

I appreciate that your dh has a very different relationship with his parents than my dh has. Tbh, I would just ask if he would like to invite them along.

It very much seems as he has isolated his parents in favour of yours and you've gone along with it as it makes your life easier. That is a shame for his parents but if they want a relationship with their adult son then it is up to them to take the time and energy to invest in it. It isn't your responsibility to manage his relationship with his parents.

People seem to be attacking you OP for what was ultimately your husband's (reasonable sounding) choice.

It's nice that he has had a chance to have a more positive parental type relationship with your folks when he can't get that from his own family.

I don't think you are doing anything wrong maybe wouldn't broadcast the holiday guest list and ask your parents to be discrete about it. Just for an easier life.

Yes - I think they would be rightly pissed off.

we have this in my DH's family. Several of the siblings have 'normal' relationships with ILs. One sibling and their partner wouldn't think twice about doing what you are planning to do. It is clear they have always prioritised the partners family. The parents would never let on how much hurt this type of behaviour has hurt them over the years. The sibling and their partner would I'm sure say all the things that you about them. Yes IL relationships can be tricky but they brought him into this world so unless they are genuinely abusive / toxic i think it is wrong to overlook them like this.

I suppose you'll be fine when PIL book holiday to celebrate your child's birthday and forget to ask you?

OP's PILs have never been interested in her children and don't babysit so it's hardly punishing OP if they refuse to see her at Christmas and say they won't babysit! I would imagine that would be OP's ideal state of affairs.

OP has a severely disabled son and her in-laws have never helped with him. Her own parents help a lot.

I doubt that OP's PIL will be doing that. OP and her DH have a severely disabled son who will never live independently and although her parents provide help and support for their grandson, OP's PILs do not.

I love how so many posters are threatening OP with some dire consequences of her actions, which, if they had read all her posts, would know could never happen. The chances of OP's PIL taking their disabled grandson on holiday are slim to none. They are not interested in their grandchildren.

Didn’t your parents ask about DH parents going too? Or they just pushed themselves into your trip without any consideration of whether his own parents would see him on his big birthday or not.
They sound over involved. I’m surprised at their behaviour. Not nice.

That made me feel so sad for you.

@Flatandhappy - poor you. It is sad if a dc has “fun” in-laws, and rich ones to boot.

Maybe OP’s in-laws aren’t so much “baddies” who never help or show any interest, but have acknowledged their place and have withdrawn over the years as a consequence.

Also loads of dads are quiet with not much conversation. Tough on him that rival dad is full of beers and banter.

I get it - my in-laws were a total pain. But to eliminate them from our lives would have been very unkind.

Couldn’t OP at least offer something more than “of course we will invite them to his party later” ? Perhaps the dh could see him by himself and go out to tea or whatever is in their comfort zone. They may not be up for conga-ing in Benidorm or whatever fun OP’s parents get up to, but would still love some time with their son, however yawntastic OP might consider it.

Me too.

They are perfectly capable of suggesting we do something for one of their birthdays! they go for meals and dont invite us. Last time we went out for food with them was last year in december.

Once we walked into our village pub for some food and they were already in there eating. They could of invited us but they didn't.

Why is it her job and not the son’s?

Grown man right there and it’s OP’s fault he hasn’t done anything with them on his birthday?

If OP had forced it upon him when he didn’t want them there, OP would be told she was unreasonable.

Also what is stopping his parents from asking, from what another poster said, they did give birth to him so he has to have them at his birthday.

It’s also not the norm for many people to celebrate their birthdays with their parents.

The amount of posters making it OP’s job to facilitate her DH’s relationship with her in-laws and go out of her way when the in-laws wouldn’t do the same for her and their son is ridiculous.

If he isn’t bothered and his parents don’t invite him to their birthday meals either, why is the onus on OP to invite them on a trip that her DH wouldn’t particularly enjoy either if they were there.

Posters moaning about her parents going, yet they’ll likely be helping OP and her DH with their disabled son.

Why should you invite them if they are hard work and you don't enjoy their company. Why do family think they can add nothing to family member's lives but be offended when they don't get invites to things. If your husband is OK with it then don't give it another thought. If they made more effort to be a positive part of your life you would have invited them when you invited your parents.

I am completely baffled with some of the assumptions and consequences people wish on us.

There is 0% chance on this earth the in laws would ever willingly take either of our children on holiday by themselves. They are too lazy for that.

and as for @LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway post. Strange. I am not afraid of my parents at all, I'm unsure where I gave that vibe. I have never had a argument with my parents either.

Yes, my parents are the favourite grandparents but this is because they do stuff with them. Hard not to be the favourite when the bar isn't very high.

My IL haven't popped over on xmas day in years, the effort they make is sticking money in a card and then asking us to collect it! They could be busy all December if they wanted and it wouldn't effect our life.
I never ask them to babysit so no problem there either. My children are both teens now.

Iv spoke to my husband and asked his thoughts last night.... He doesn't want his parents there so we wont be inviting them. His own words was his dad is a prat and he doesn't want to deal with the hassle.

He also said he will drop it in conversation in the coming months what we are doing with for his 40th... so I will not be directly telling them, he will.

If they would like to treat him to a meal before we go for his 40th then we will all go out, if not then they are welcome to his party... where I am sure his dad will be a bit of a knob anyway.

But this is an issue between the PP and her DS just as in this thread the relationship issue is between the DH and his parents. He does not wish to invite them or (apparently) spend a great deal of time with them. Its simply not reasonable to hold women responsible for all relationships in the family including the relationship between partner and parents (which is what so many posters on this thread have done).

Two things strike me on this thread:

• Not all parents are the same and giving birth does not give us lifetime rights over our DC. At least one of my DCiL is NC with their birth parents after struggling with them for years and an abusive childhood. The idea that they should be involved in their lives or invited on holidays purely because they are biological parents is simply wrong. In between abusive and loving there is a big range and DC should not be obliged to cater constantly for uninterested parents - caring and showing interest works both ways if a relationship is to work.

• Our DC are not psychic. Sometimes we have to be honest and let them know if we are sad, even if we don’t want them to change plans. That gives them the opportunity to do something different with us another time. Its perfectly reasonable to say “disappointed but let's plan X” and as a DC that was my preference so that I could accommodate each in different ways. As a parent I sometimes suck it up and sometimes say “let’s plan X”.

In the case of the OP she has organised a birthday celebration to which the DH’s family are invited. Its not down to her to force a holiday invite that her DH does not wish to make.

Yes they are perfectly capable, physically, of inviting you.
But have you ever had the thought cross your mind that they could be emotionally hurt about the lack of contact and are a bit afraid to make things worse. I mean, maybe they came to your village pub in the hope of catching a glimpse of their son, - who knows.
You must have some small niggling doubt in the back of your mind or you wouldn’t have posted your original AIBU.

I’m not trying to be mean OP. But from all you’ve said about them it’s not that they are mean either. It’s just that you get on better with your parents than his.
They are still his parents and hurt people do try to act in very nonchalant way sometimes…eg his dad not coming in from the garden when you dropped by. It’s self protection sometimes.

It can take real effort to get along with in-laws….having to decide to give it a real selfless, generous go at trying to love them, going that extra mile, - for your partner’s sake if not your own.
And it could be that you have all (them too) fallen into this very passive state of not bothering each other. That’s a bit sad.

I mean, maybe they came to your village pub in the hope of catching a glimpse of their son, - who knows

Oh good grief this is stretching it a bit. Far more likely they just went out for dinner without overthinking.

Relationships take two. Its not the OP’s job to “work the hard miles” to create a relationship between her DH and his parents. Its the DH’s job and its also his parents’ job. Not all parents are interested in their DC and DGC. Some are, some are not and from observation over the years you cannot force it.

You'll pull a muscle with all that reaching you're doing love.

Maybe the ils haven't been given the chance.
That's why they've pulled back.

I'm a mother of sons,I have gc.
And I feel marginalised.
Her family can drop in whenever.
Her family do all the babysitting.
I have to make an appointment to see them.

I wouldn't mind when they lived miles away with a young baby,I was the only 1 tp go see them.

I don't blame dil,it's my son as well.
But there's only so much rejection before you distance yourself.
I think untyoure that mil it's very hard to understand.

Sorry but just no... they never went to the pub to get a glimpse of their son. That's too much of a reach. He does see them. Probably for the equivalent of 2 hours a month over the space of 3 visits a month. I probably see them every other month for an hour.

I dont think there is an excuse for his dads behaviour when he didn't come in from the garden. Its rude. I would never be so rude to anyone visiting my home. My own parents would never be so rude either. My dad will stop what he's doing (even when in the middle of painting walls) and greet myself, his grandkids and son in law.

I am friendly and polite when I see them, I never stop my husband going there or our kids but my husband doesn't go the extra mile, his parents dont go the extra mile so I certainly will not be going the extra mile for them.
I have a disabled son and a daughter and I still work 4 days a week. I go the extra mile every day for both of my children, not for people who cant be bothered to say a hello.

They are welcome to have my kids and babysit whenever!

Id love a night off to go away with my husband but from past experience (a long time ago) when we asked so we could attend a wedding, all we get is huffing and puffing, passive aggressiveness comments about what time will we be back in the morning and moaning that our son will be up throughout the night so they wont get a full nights sleep.

I wont leave my kids where they are not wanted. They are better then that.

All of this is reasonable, but then I do wonder why you started the thread in the first place.

The thoughtful thing to do would be to do exactly as you please but leave his actual birthday free to see his Mum if either of them pleased. I still don’t understand why this wasn’t an option.

And if you genuinely don’t think she’s interested enough to care, why start the thread?

I think the issue is the way you worded your OP. You asked how we would feel if you were our DIL? That was bound to lead to a lot of projection on the part of posters on here. If you’d given all the info about what your PILs are like in the first place and asked AIBU about not including them in your DH’s 40th birthday holiday, you might have had different answers.

For example, we would never invite my DM rather than my MIL to a special birthday holiday for my DH and my DM would be very shocked and embarrassed if we did. Because my DH has a lovely relationship with his mum and my DM is friends with her herself. It’s a completely different scenario, so it can’t be compared to your situation.

I think his parents should have been invited, it's a little hurtful and they can always say no. I also understand though if the relationship isn't as strong why you would forget. but hopefully there is still time to rectify.
You obviously feel bad so you can still do the right thing.
Hope your husband has a lovely 40th no matter what.