How would you feel about this if I was your DIL?

[MickeyThunder]

It’s my husband’s 40th next year, and we’ve been talking about booking a holiday to celebrate. The idea came up in front of my parents, and they said they’d love to come along. My husband was fine with that, so I went ahead today and booked flights for a 4-night break. It’ll be me, my husband, our two kids and my parents.

It’s only just hit me that we/I haven’t mentioned it to my husband’s parents or invited them, and I’m wondering if they might be upset when they find out...

There’s no plan to invite them, Id rather not go if they did to be honest! (and my husband isn’t bothered at all about them being there), but I’m just not sure if we’ll get any backlash or if they will be really hurt.

For context, we get on much better with my parents. They’re very easy-going, and my husband would definitely agree. My FIL, on the other hand, can be quite difficult, and I’m not particularly close to him or my MIL.

I would feel hurt but I think there are ways you can frame it to them to minimise hurt - ie. Say they were going anyway and you wanted to as well, say that you'll do something just with them etc.

But its up to your DH to manage this, not you

Why is it up to the DH to manage it?

This.

The more I read of the OP's posts, the more I think her parents may be a bit entitled, and demanding, and the OP, and the husband too, are afraid to say anything, in case the parents kick off. But the OP is happy that her husband's parents aren't coming on this birthday trip as she dislikes them anyway. (Although, as people have said, it is sounding more and more like the OP planned all this with her parents...)

I think the husband needs to be taken to task for this too though. Allowing this to happen - with his own parents being left out - is cowardly.

If I was the parents being left out, I would find it hard to move on from this, and even if I was asked to anything in the future, I would not be going. And I would not be doing Christmas with them any more either. I'd decide I want Christmases to myself from now on. (Well, DH and I.) I may find an afternoon free in mid December to see you, but after that I'll be busy. Oh, and don't even expect me to ever fucking babysit! Ask the favourite grandparents...

Enjoy polishing that rod that you made for your own back there!!!

.

If your FIL is so rude as to not come in from the garden to say hello when you visit, you owe them nothing.

I wouldn't worry about it.

I hear you op. Everyone is saying yabu, but I don't think yabu. It sounds like you're not that close to his parents and just because they're his parents it doesn't mean they trump everything. Your dh should spend his birthday doing whatever he wants.

Oh come on, you know this is a really hurtful and insensitive thing to do. Obviously. You can make all the excuses you want to about how horrible MIL and FIL are but you must realise this is really shit of you and doesn't reflect well on you either.

I have a similar dynamic in our family. MIL and FIL can be difficult and my parents are more easy going. DH turned 40 last year and we also booked a holiday to celebrate but as our family of four (DH and I plus our DDs.)

There is no way I would have invited my parents and not his, despite having holidayed with them before. Because there's no getting around it, that would be a spectacular dick move. I can only imagine if I had invited my mum and dad they'd have asked whether the in laws were also coming. You know, since it is their son's actual birthday.

Although considering your parents were rude and thoughtless enough to invite themselves onto this holiday it isn't exactly a surprise that you are also behaving badly.

It's shit of your DH too. I can only assume you'll be fine with your own DC doing this in future.

I think this sounds fine? It's his birthday and his choice who goes. Presumably taking your parents will mean that you've got some help with your disabled son, which will make it more enjoyable for you both.

Why is it the DiL’s responsibility to manage her DH’s relationship with his own parents?

This wasn’t a surprise trip, they both planned and organised it, DH chose the timing. He chose not to ask his parents even though they were inviting his in-laws.

That’s really not nice to invite your parents to his birthday trip and not his. Of course his mum will be hurt!

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5434359-how-would-you-feel-about-this-if-i-was-your-dil?postsby=MickeyThunder

Worth reading the OP posts before rushing to judgement.

DH was fully involved in the decision making process and chose the timing over his birthday. He is the one who has chosen not to invite his own parents, its the DiL who is worried about it. He is the one who does not want to spend more time with his own parents.

But of course, DiL’s fault. Can’t be down to the DH, can’t be down to the PiLs long term relationship with the DH. Everything is the responsibility of the woman in the relationship

To be fair it sounds like OP's parents invited themselves!

I would be very hurt if my DS had a milestone birthday with her parents but not me and DH. It wouldn’t shock me though she’s a horror

Of course you are entitled to go on this holiday with anybody you choose.

His parents may bitch about it, you can't control that.

Does it really matter?

Even if it were the case, there was nothing to stop the DH inviting his own parents. He has chosen not to. Unless the DiL goes and invites them behind his back I don’t see what she can do. His relationship with his parents is not her responsibility - its his and theirs.

Yes her DH is responsible. But it’s still a shitty thing to do.

Yes they can do what they like, and invite whoever they choose. But the question was ‘how would you feel if I was your DIL’ and the answer from most people is ‘hurt’

what they do with that information is up to them

Yeah, but he wouldn’t be having a 40th if it weren’t for them! Like it or not, it’s the day his mum gave birth to him.

It’s fine not to invite them on holiday, but insensitive to plan it over their son’s milestone birthday. Unless you are confident they won’t mind, in which case why start a thread.

this whole ‘I can do what I like/ I have boundaries’ schtick is fine but there are consequences to that.

Exactly!

He was right there. He has a voice and could have said something at any time before OP booked their tickets.

Funny how several posters are calling OP mean and rude for not thinking of them, yet next to nothing towards her DH for not thinking of them either and that should speak volumes about how he feels about his parents, but of course it is the woman’s fault for a grown adult male not considering/or thinking of his own parents.

If he wanted them there, he would have said something, and obviously he isn’t bothered.

It is his birthday and his choice on who he wants there or not.

So parents should be invited to their adult child’s birthday regardless of what kind of parent they are simply because they made them?

I.think.it is op to your husband to invite his parents. Keep out of it. They are his parents not yours

@MickeyThunder
I honestly wouldn’t worry about it.

Judging by his parents lack of interest in
their own son/you and your DCs, they probably won’t even give it a thought.

They’ve reaped what they’ve sown.

DS1 often goes away with his wife’s family. They are very rich, they pay. We all have meals together, spend some holidays together etc., but obviously there is no question of us going too. I was a bit upset when he was away for his FIL’s birthday trip (even though it wasn’t his actual birthday) and missed my 60th but I couldn’t compete with an all expenses trip to the US so I just accept it is what it is.

I wouldn't bothered at all. It's just a holiday that's occuring when his birthday is

Honestly it’s not very nice at all and I would be very hurt if my son went away with his in-laws and didn’t include his own parents for his birthday. His parents may not be the easiest to get on with but they ARE his parents.

And over 17 years it has never occurred to you that it may nice to do something with them for your birthdays? Even if you don’t do it for you then do it for them? You do not sound the nicest of DIL’s!!