How would you feel about this if I was your DIL?

[MickeyThunder]

It’s my husband’s 40th next year, and we’ve been talking about booking a holiday to celebrate. The idea came up in front of my parents, and they said they’d love to come along. My husband was fine with that, so I went ahead today and booked flights for a 4-night break. It’ll be me, my husband, our two kids and my parents.

It’s only just hit me that we/I haven’t mentioned it to my husband’s parents or invited them, and I’m wondering if they might be upset when they find out...

There’s no plan to invite them, Id rather not go if they did to be honest! (and my husband isn’t bothered at all about them being there), but I’m just not sure if we’ll get any backlash or if they will be really hurt.

For context, we get on much better with my parents. They’re very easy-going, and my husband would definitely agree. My FIL, on the other hand, can be quite difficult, and I’m not particularly close to him or my MIL.

OP, do you think your inlaws would come if invited? Hypothetically speaking ;-)

Your happy. Husbands happy. Just enjoy the lovely holiday. If his parents are miffed.....so be it.

Have to agree

I agree too. What’s the thread about then? In-laws are pants. No one likes them. They are selfish. The end.

The OP in setting the original question of course led most posters to conclude that she was being at best thoughtless and at worst a bit mean and exclusionary.

I’d have been hurt, but then my children know that I would go to the ends of the earth for them. Your DH knows his parents best, and it sounds like he feels pretty much ignored and irrelevant to their lives. You need to respect his decision to avoid having them there.

If it comes up, I would frame it more explicitly than you have in terms of childcare- your parents offered to come along to help you with childcare. You know that PIL find it difficult to spend extended amounts of time with the children, so you felt it would be unfair to put them under pressure to join you.

I can't understand the op having a moment of doubt and posting aibu, because the situation is unusual! I'm sure in an ideal world she'd love for the relationship with the inlaws to be as easy and good as with her parents. But it's not, and it's not her doing or her responsibility to nuture her DH's relationship with his parents. It's a them problem OP. The more I read of your posts the more I think YANBU. The inlaws are reaping what they sow. But I imagine things might feel strained when they find out, but really that's on them. Go enjoy your holiday OP and I hope DH has a lovely birthday 🎂

• I CAN understand, not can't 🤦‍♀️

Agree, can't understand why the thread was started in the first place. Her thoughts are still firm that they are right to not include their in-laws for their sons big birthday so unsure what she gained from the thread.

So if you have considered all angles, that’s fair enough then OP. You know them better than anybody here possibly can.
You feel you have nothing to worry about and so can enjoy your husband’s birthday celebration holiday with your parents. Enjoy it!

Completely pointless post. You said you wouldn't have i voted them anyway, youre not close and you dont like them. Do you even care if they're upset?

Do people actually think this way about family members? It doesn’t matter if they are upset etc. I never see this in real life, only on mn. Most normal people are bothered when they upset other people.

Sure, but then why post?

Your original post didn’t outline the full situation. You asked how people would feel and they answered but the people who answered have a good relationship with their adult children. I definitely wouldn’t invite them if you aren’t close, they probably wouldn’t want to come anyway. I still think it’s unfortunate timing for your own parents to come along on this particular occasion. You keep saying your FIL is a nob. What’s MIL like? Is she off hand herself or is she a pleasant enough person?

I agree.
There must have been a niggle in the back of OP’s mind about it.
And all the questions/comments/answers to her original AIBU must have suddenly brought about the realisation, or reassurance, that she was absolutely 100% correct in the first place not to bother about the feelings of her ILs.

It was quite a bit of a drip feed though. OP’s first post, - that she just happened to get on better with her own parents than her DH’s parents was very different to her subsequent posts giving fuller explanations.

hmm I thought so too!

Yes it was a drip feed, that’s true. I don’t understand why the OP didn’t tell us how difficult her FIL was in the first place? This would have been a completely different thread if she had.

Mortally wounded … 🤕

No she doesn’t.

I'm not sure why you asked, you seen pretty sure with your decision and that you have done nothing wrong. 🤷🏼

Yes, because she hasn't.

I wouldn’t have asked op, as my pil would be devastated but she sounds nothing like yours, in your case it sounds completely fair to not have them.

Why ask then if you aren't going to take on board opinions?

@MickeyThunder you say your parents aren’t rude but they invited themselves along to your DH’s celebratory holiday, I think that’s quite rude. DH and I discussed going on holiday for my milestone birthday in front of my parents one year and it didn’t occur to them to invite themselves along, and they certainly wouldn’t have for DH’s birthday trip.

@MickeyThunder

You’ve had some very harsh responses, here OP, but thankfully a few I personally agree with. Obviously, without the interpersonal context, it’s easy to say they’d be hurt, and they probably will be, however, the family dynamics are what they are, and that doesn’t happen over night. You can’t choose your own family, but you can choose who you spend your quality time with.

Sounds like you will all have a lovely time away, OP! Offer to do something with them just before or after, if they can be bothered.

This is what I wondered to