Cold heartless daughter

[Beeings]

My daughter is 11. I went out to shop earlier and unfortunately fell. Two work men who were nearby came over to make sure I was ok and then helped me home. My daughter opened the door to see me hobbling up the path being supported by these two guys and her reaction? An eye roll. One of the guys said “your mum has just fallen” to which she rolled her eyes again and said “right”.

When they had gone I asked her why she’s so uncaring and she said I make a Rama out of everything and “why couldn’t you just walk home like a normal person? There isn’t even anything wrong with you”.

She’s always been like this, so cold and uncaring, why? AIBU to be upset by her reaction?

Sure, so would my DD. But then, if I had to be walked home by two men after a fall, it would be such an unusual occurrance that we'd all know that at this point, I'd probably need DH to drive me to the hospital.

Also, let's not forget that tweens and teens can find a parent expressing ANY emotion embarassing. If I dare to have a short conversation or a little joke with someone in a queue or the person serving us in a restaurant, he's convinced they're thinking, "oh my god, this woman is psycho" whereas I tend to think they're not thinking anything beyond having a brief, pleasant interaction ion the middle of their day! The kid will die if he ever goes to America and sees the bouncy service and chat! :)

Or maybe OP is one of those people who cries at the drop of a hat, and her DD is fed up of it.

Surprised how many people think this is a normal behaviour for an 11 year old; my 15 and 11 year old boys absolutely would not react like that I know with every fibre of my being. They would be concerned and check I am ok.

I had to get home alone after breaking my lower back and my similar aged DD was very concerned. I made it home alone though so I’d be interested in what damage you had that meant you needed two men to help you.

TBF constant crying and drama has me rolling my eyes as well.

Sounds like this sort of "event" is quite common with you?

She didn't kick a kitten or smack a pensioner in the face. You seem to have overreacted a bit.

I remember my aunt falling down 4 slippery stone steps and my cousin poking her with his foot, hissing at her to get up. He was 10 and just embarrassed, he is in his 60s now and the kindest, caring man ever.
It's an age thing, dont worry.

Agreed. If my kids saw me crying, or being helped by 2 workmen they'd be concerned because it would be so unusual. Doesn't sound like it is for the OP.

How badly were you injured? I expect you went straight to the hospital if it was that bad?

I’ve had a slipped disc twice. I took myself to A&E both times. It was a struggle, but I never needed supporting by strangers.

A friend complained about an incident. She was with her husband in some public place and she had a fall. Some strangers helped her to her feet and asked kind questions. Her husband had just disappeared until everything was over. He didn't want to be embarrassed. And yes, he is ASD. Explains a lot.

I’m sure there is a back story, if I turned up hobbling after a shopping trip my oldest two around the same wouldn’t be eye rolling me and saying I always make a drama…
They would be genuinely concerned that I had done something serious to myself, mine are boys, but im not sure that makes a difference as I can’t imagine my niece saying similar to her my sister if she was injured either.
My children will tell me regularly if I’m being ‘cringe’ and I get a few eye rolls and general sass but if I’m injured, unwell etc they may be thoughtless but not lacking in empathy. Your description of her sounds a little ofd but if she genuinely lacks social graces, is uncaring and lacks empathy then I would be looking at why that may be.

My dd is and always has been like this. It’s extremely weird in our family as we are all caring by nature and many of us by profession even. She is missing an empathy chip somewhere. She isn’t nasty, she just doesn’t react with immediate sympathy where other people might. I have schooled her in what the more middle of the road responses are and she does have sympathy for people and can see WHY they might be upset or whatever-but her immediate natural reactions are a bit off. I suspect she has ADHD mildly.

Agree with PP that you sound melodramatic. How bad was this fall that two grown men had to help you hobble home? How often are you crying in front of your child?

Sounds like your child feels she can’t be the crying one because you always are. This is a form of parentification and is exactly why people try not to over-cry in front of their children. It’s not the child’s job to comfort the adult.

The fact that she wasn't concerned kind of says to me that this isn't an unusual occurrence for OP - so maybe her DD is just a bit sick of it.

Lots of people find tears, drama and upset very uncomfortable and don't know how to react.

Wrong thread.

Who needs enemies when your mother is someone like the OP

One of my dear friends is like this - cries a lot, expects sympathy from her children, and puts them in the situation of having to emotionally soothe and validate her. I’ve seen it myself and it makes me very uncomfortable. One of her DC is like your DD, rolls their eyes and just walks away as they’re so desensitised to it. Her other DC used to take on all the emotional burden of her various dramas and as a young adult now has poor mental health and is overly anxious as they’ve been in the parent role for so long, etc.. My friend doesn’t mean to do this to her children but she herself had a very narcissistic and emotionally neglectful mother and I think she learned early on that this was the only way to get attention, feel loved, etc.. She is working on it in therapy, fair credit to her.

Your post reminded me exactly of her, OP. Being honest with yourself, do you think this something that you might be doing on a subconscious level?

Oh I quite agree, my observation was clearly to state I don’t think that is normal behaviour for an 11 year old, so I’d be interested to know why it was she reacted that way, because I don’t buy the idea that most pre teens/teens would be too mortified to show any concern. So what’s going on.

I don't think it's great to cry in front of your children regularly. I mean unless something life threatening happened.

I agree. It's fine for children to understand that their parents have feelings and emotions but crying at the drop of a hat and over fairly trivial things makes parents look emotionally dysregulated which is frightening for a child.

If you're crying regularly in front of her she's probably a bit drained and has switched off a bit.

I also think its a bit of a jump to call her "cold" and "heartless". What you've described here is irritating but fairly normal and possibly just a reaction to the fact you're a bit prone to drama. Unless there's more to this than meets the eye...

Although it could actually be because the OP is always having some sort of drama. If you have fallen over, do you really need two men to help you get home. Unless there is a broken bone or other major issue (in which case you need an ambulance) then surely you can get yourself back without having two men help you! I would roll my eyes at this to be honest.

It completely depends. Where you making a bag drama out of a fall, did you really need help home.
I mean if you where badly hurt then it’s horrible of her but if you make a regular occurrence of “drama” then I understand the eye roll

Who are these other people crying OP? Are they all you or other grown ups?

Thinking back to myself at that age I'd grown out of crying when I fell over and remember being quite scornful as a teenager when a friend fell in PE (no injury) and started crying because I felt like she was too old to be doing that. I'd probably have been sympathetic to a child that was crying after falling over.

Well I don't know about heartless but some of the things she says are just plain rude. I cannot imagine any of my DDs speaking to me like that.

Where does she get this from?

I'm the same. My mother used to get very angry if either myself or my two brothers dared to cry...especially in front of other people, particularly family. I still get angry about how she reacted when I was 13, and found my pet cat, who I dearly loved, dead on the side of the road on my way to school. We were forced to go to mass that same night (Catholic and it was a holy day of obligation) and I remember spending the whole service trying not to burst into tears. We saw my grandmother afterwards (she lived on the same street as the church) and she happened to mention that I looked sad...I couldn't contain it any longer and burst into tears. My mother acted like I was making a big fuss over nothing and I got told off afterwards. Of course if she wanted sympathy....whole different story.

Nowadays my mother wonders why I'm 'so cold' (only to her, btw). Like my favourite saying goes 'You reap what you sow'.