Cold heartless daughter

[Beeings]

My daughter is 11. I went out to shop earlier and unfortunately fell. Two work men who were nearby came over to make sure I was ok and then helped me home. My daughter opened the door to see me hobbling up the path being supported by these two guys and her reaction? An eye roll. One of the guys said “your mum has just fallen” to which she rolled her eyes again and said “right”.

When they had gone I asked her why she’s so uncaring and she said I make a Rama out of everything and “why couldn’t you just walk home like a normal person? There isn’t even anything wrong with you”.

She’s always been like this, so cold and uncaring, why? AIBU to be upset by her reaction?

Was just about to come and say this.

I don’t know any child who wouldn’t be concerned that their mum had injured herself.

I hope you’re ok and yes I’d be concerned that my child was rude and condescending.

Yes ,yes and yes

Does she have a dad / siblings? What are they like emotionally? I suppose I’m wondering if her dad is affectionate or the type to say crying is for wimps etc. Does she rarely cry if she’s hurt herself?

It’s a developmental stage which is hard wired in to the brains of pre-teens and teens to be a bit sceptical and negative as this kept them safe when they start exploring outside of their tribe for the first time to eventually seek mates and procreate. Not having a lot of empathy kept them alive.

There have been experiments done which prove how much more negatively teens interpret facial expressions and completely neutral questions or expressions than the average adult,

It’s a bit like toddlers getting very particular about their food the minute they are old enough to toddle and explore.

So please don’t take it personally op!

Are you laid up with a bad sprain or broken bone? If not it does seem excessive to need two men to support you back to your house. even when my friend broke her ankle she just had one friend prop her up on the way into the hospital.

Sounds like she’s really embarrassed by any perception that people are attention seeking or being “dramatic”, some people are just like that. Sometimes one person in the family is a bit OTT and others react by going completely the opposite way. obviously I have no idea if that’s the case in your family or if she’s just being a really performatively uncaring person.

Not to be cold and heartless too but be reassured - she could see you were ok as you were right in front of her. It might have been different if someone rang up and said “your mum has fallen over”.

Why do I have The Omen theme tune in my head?
Just kidding OP!
To me, mum falling over should at least get 'are you ok mum'? Out of politeness, if nothing else.

I remember being 10 years old and my mum sitting down on the edge of the armchair next to me and sat on a big bodkin needle I'd left there, she jumped up screaming (understandably!) and I remember quite clearly just giving her a withering look and wondering why she was making a fuss. I have turned into a very kind and caring person, I just assume this is all part of normal childhood behaviour?

My ds 8 laughed at me when my knee popped out of joint and I was in visible pain yesterday . I don’t know why he acted like this , he was not kind at all and I wasn’t impressed

My DD was like this when she was young and it worried me but I read you can learn empathy and so have gone out of my way to teach her it ever since. She's now much much more caring and empathetic. Try and do some active teaching of empathy and see if she recognises other people's feelings matter.

I'm reading this and thinking this is why so many parents say their child is being bullied yet no one expresses concern that their child is the bully. I know this thread isn't about bullying, but a child who seems to show no empathy is more at risk of becoming a bully or an abuser. The first person to know this characteristic is a mother. But instead of advice on how to deal with this and how to help DD develop empathy, everyone on MN blames the mother for how she raised her unempathetic daughter. I've seen this before, a mother worried sick her DS was becoming a bad person and bullying and the response was similar. So the message being sent out is don't ever seek advice if you are concerned about your child's negative behaviour..yet the right advice and help could prevent another bully developing in this world. Everyone moans that they exist but no one is willing to help a concerned parent.

Do you make a drama out of everything? Posting that your 11 year old was embarrassed of you feels quite dramatic. Most parent just need to breath too close to their children to embarrass them at that age

God, I remember falling over taking my DD to scouts one night at that age, she was mortified and wouldn’t go and knock on our neighbour’s door when I couldn’t get up. 🙄
I had to hobble back to the house and ring my FiL to come and take her. She’s 35 now, I think it’s time to remind her 🤣

Absolutely this! 👏👏

I was like this. Exactly the same as her but only with my mum who has an absolute form for making a big drama about everything, playing the martyr and sympathy farming.

Did you break a bone? It does sound a little dramatic having two men help you home if an ambulance wasn't called. Playing devil's advocate, perhaps OP is a habitual drama queen and the eye-roll was her daughter thinking "not again". The catastrophising of a mere eye-roll is rather telling, essentially insinuating that her daughter is devoid of any empathy and a sociopath in the making.

The way this is written rings alarm bells for me. It does sound very dramatic and that you cry and expect sympathy a lot from your DD, and now you accuse her of being 'cold and heartless' which is, again, very self-pitying and overdramatic.

I remember my mum having minor surgery when I was growing up - she would leave the bruises uncovered and hint to strangers that she was being abused. She would give people sob stories and also tell them how awful and unsympathetic I was. So my spidey senses are tingling for this dynamic.

Bloody hell your title is a bit dramatic, no wonder she was embarrassed!

I’m blown away by the comments on the first page. Her reaction doesn’t sound normal in my circle. I don’t want to call her mean but she comes across as lacking empathy.

This

I think if you're doing a considerable amount of crying in front of your daughter and expecting her to comfort you, then this is her way of putting some boundaries in so she's not completely engulfed by your need.

It depends. Can you look at your own behaviour objectively and examine if you are a bit of a drama llama sometimes? My children have seen me cry but due to something proportionate like a funeral for example. My mother in law on the other hand cries at the drop of a hat and it’s a little bit wearing and attention seeking at times. Your daughter is probably in a bit of an awkward teenage phase where big shows of emotion are a bit embarrassing.

Agree with this 👆

Wow some harsh comments on here!
wr don’t know OP and how hard she fell, why is the assumption that she’s making a drama out of nothing!?
Her daughters comments and eye rolling don’t mean that OP wasn’t really hurt and jarred by her fall!
Im assuming that the daughter isn’t an overly sympathetic child and this is fairly normal for her?

Personalty traits can be inherited, so I'm afraid she probably gets this either from her father or someone else in the extended family.

@JadziaD

tweens and teens are usually pretty indifferent to how adults feel

Maybe in small children, but not in tweens or teens, and indifference is not disdain, which is what her reaction was.

I've found that children & teens who were consistently arrogant, heartless or spiteful mostly turn out like that as adults, only they learn to hide it better. Those kind of character traits, like empathy, are deeply ingrained.

Although, who knows what's going on here. There might be undisclosed reasons why she has such reactions.

So many opinions when in reality, nobody on this thread knows!!

no one knows if the daughter is ‘cold and heartless’

and no one knows is the op is a drama queen.

detailing what your own child would do, if you’re not a drama queen, is completely irrelevant. It’s not like with like.