Cold heartless daughter

[Beeings]

My daughter is 11. I went out to shop earlier and unfortunately fell. Two work men who were nearby came over to make sure I was ok and then helped me home. My daughter opened the door to see me hobbling up the path being supported by these two guys and her reaction? An eye roll. One of the guys said “your mum has just fallen” to which she rolled her eyes again and said “right”.

When they had gone I asked her why she’s so uncaring and she said I make a Rama out of everything and “why couldn’t you just walk home like a normal person? There isn’t even anything wrong with you”.

She’s always been like this, so cold and uncaring, why? AIBU to be upset by her reaction?

I guess when you are hurt it’s hard no to accept help. People make all kinds of assumptions based on very little information. Her daughter doesn’t sound very kind.

I'd imagine that if there were any additional, relevant information, the OP would have included that. Unless, of course, her intention was just to villainise her daughter by missing it out. People can only go off what they have.

OP, both of my children are kind, compassionate people but, at 11, both would have felt a combination of embarrassment and concern. Seeing a parent sick, injured or vulnerable can rock their own sense of safety and make them feel very vulnerable and exposed. They don't really understand their emotions (a lot of adults don't either!), cant name or articulate them and so their reactions can also feel off.

There is possibly a need for some reflection here, as others have said.

What is the emotional environment like in your house generally?

Is seeing you cry a regular occurance?

I'm inclined to agree with others that a fall bad enough to require assistance home from two men would also require additional follow up.

You say that you didn't ask them and "they just did" but I would only have accepted that if I'd really needed it. Otherwise, I find that, "No thanks. Its very kind of you to offer but I'm fine," works well. I mean something must have been said. They must have communicated to each other or you in some way.

Empathy has become a buzzword that black and white thinking virtual signallers seem to use determine someone's character. Empathy is such a nuanced issue, people can be perceived to show less empathy for so many reasons that could be cultural, related to past traumas/experiences, empathy fatigue, or simply being a more stoic person. Some people even naturally have less of it, it doesn't automatically make a person a psychopath/sociopath in the making.

Most people on this thread are projecting themselves and their own parents, its not helpul. She sounds like a uncaring child and to assume its ops fault is awful. Take what shes saying. I was mortified at any age to see my mam upset, i might have been a tad awkward but would never in a million years be cheeky enough to say whay she said. And thats the issue for me. Her cheek and attitude in front of strangers or in private for that matter. Teach ber better manners and to be kinder, if youre not kind to your own mam what chance have you got with others, it starts at home, thats what ill teach my kids rather than all these people saying its fine, this is whats wrong with the current generation, letting kids get away with anything and letting them think its acceptable

What a weird update.

Yes you ABU - she is an 11 year old child.

Is this something she has had to witness numerous times?

To be supported by two men to your house because you cant walk by yourself does seem a bit odd. Why didn't they call an ambulance?

Be really honest with yourself, are you a bit dramatic?

Because I immediately thought of my mum reading this post. Don't get me wrong I love her to bits, but everything is always a fiasco with her. Especially when we were kids.

She could never just be ill, she was always on death's door. If she had a sore back she'd be walking around the house clutching her back doing breathing exercises like she was in labour. I remember my brother knocked a toy skateboard into her ankle once and you'd swear he'd deliberately smacked her in the face with it the way she screamed and then went on about it. She didn't even have a bruise. If anyone dropped a plate it was a calamity. If anything broke it was world ending. Literally everything was always blown up to catastrophic proportions. (Which I'm still recovering from, my husband was baffled the first time I broke a glass in his home and burst into tears)

(Unless it was something that has happened to us, then it was brushed off as nothing but that's a whole other story)

My point is that living with a drama queen is exhausting, so if you do maybe have a flair for the theatrics I don't think an eye roll from a tween is that big a deal. Eye rolling is practically a second language at that age anyway, and being embarrassed by one's parents a given.

And the fact you're calling your 11 year old child "cold and heartless" because she didn't leap into Mother Theresa mode when you fell over does make me think you might have that flair for theatrics.

I had a childhood friend that I would describe as dramatic. I was about 11 years old and roll eyeing would have been my way of coping and thinking here we go again! Your heading cold heartless daughter is so alarming she is only 11 years old. I opened the chat presuming your daughter was an adult. I am guessing if you were honest you may be dramatic at times and your daughter knows this. I hope you manage to have a chat with her and I am sure your daughter is not heartless just maybe fed up!

I had a relative growing up who was a massive drama queen (thankfully not my mum!). If she was ill the whole world knew about it. Her kids were always mortified by how she behaved both in public and at home and would regularly roll their eyes when she would moan about her latest "ailment".

The reality - and irritating thing - was there was never anything seriously wrong with her at all. Those in our family who DID have serious illnesses (Parkinson's, stage 4 cancer...) all dealt with their illnesses with no fuss or "woe is me" behaviour.

My mom would cry daily for hours when I was this age and it was really draining. She did have a valid reason but it was still tough and I would sometimes be exasperated.

What happens when she (dd) is ill? Does she lie about needing sympathy & feeling sorry for herself or is it a stroppy push on & get on with it?

Ever heard of that thing that nurses get called compassion fatigue? Children with emotionally unstable parents also get it. Years and years (all she’s ever known) of emotional blackmail and being expected to perpetually give of yourself while not being able to ever have a feeling or get emotional support yourself from your alleged caregivers will do that to a child. It’s a well documented response to emotional abuse. You cannot judge the child on having bad manners, you have completely missed every red flag of what her life is like.

My DM is prone to histrionics and your daughter sounds like me at her age. There was always some drama with her. She used to call me cold hearted as well, but literally no one else provokes that “oh ffs” reaction in me. I lost my patience with her quite early in life after her life decisions started having a catastrophic effect on me and it became clear that she expected endless understanding from me but gave very little in return.

Children need to see their parents modelling resilience, not crying about things that don't really justify it.

But why did you let two strange men help you home? You must have been quite badly injured if you required help to walk - a break or a dislocation or a bad sprain - in which case why didn’t they take you to get medical attention instead? Surely that would be more logical.

Of course if you weren’t badly injured enough to need medical attention, and you still turned up on your own doorstep crying and accompanied by two strange men helping you to walk, I can well understand why your daughter rolled her eyes. It’s all very dramatic, OP.

Calling your 11yo cold and heartless is pretty dramatic in itself.

She is your daughter. It is not her job to validate you or show empathy. It's your job to do that for her. Sounds like perhaps you don't like her? maybe she's not the daughter you thought you'd have 🤷‍♀️ at 11 I think it's pretty rare that they would be able to emotionally validate you and when you think about it, it would be weird if she could. The other option is you are worried about her but explaining yourself clumsily? Is there more context?

Are you not also 'projecting' from your own experience? 🤔

Now you're making assumptions. The OP does seem to be one of those massively over dramatic people, based on what she said, and it sounds like the daughter has seen it all before and is just a bit embarrassed by it.

Of course she’s massively overdramatic. She let two men “help” her home despite apparently not being badly injured enough to require medical attention, and good on the daughter for not pandering to it.

File under “oooh I just love all the drama, Mick!”

This. At 11 I noticed my daughter kept disappearing when we were out clothes shopping (for her). I suddenly realised she was in embarrasses to be seen with me. It hurts. It stings. And it took until post Uni for us to become close again. My son,on the other hand don’t change - he was just a more sensitive soul.

Sounds like overdramatising is a regular thing for the OP. Anyone's patience would wear thin, nevermind an 11 year olds. Why is she home alone anyway. I'm not sure why the child has been deemed the uncaring one.

I'd be more concerned by op's self pity than the daughters cold heart.

Also, if you had genuinely acquired an injury that warranted two full grown men to help you home as you could not walk, why wouldn't you simply order an uber to a Minor Injuries unit? You could have put a stop to your home first to pick your DD up. It sounds like the ending of a dramatic scene at the theatre, the injured party hobbling home propped up by two big strong men.

I have reread your post as I’ve seen so many people saying basically you’re a drama queen. I don’t see it. I’m assuming the shops weren’t far away. When you fall you can twist an ankle that you can’t put weight on at first but does not necessarily need a trip to A&E. Now you could be a drama queen or your daughter could just not be very kind. There is no proof either way. So folks be a big kinder as the OP could already be having a tough time. If she is a drama queen she could have anxiety. I’m shocked how unkind some people are here. My turn to get roasted.

And roasted you will be......😁