Cold heartless daughter

[Beeings]

My daughter is 11. I went out to shop earlier and unfortunately fell. Two work men who were nearby came over to make sure I was ok and then helped me home. My daughter opened the door to see me hobbling up the path being supported by these two guys and her reaction? An eye roll. One of the guys said “your mum has just fallen” to which she rolled her eyes again and said “right”.

When they had gone I asked her why she’s so uncaring and she said I make a Rama out of everything and “why couldn’t you just walk home like a normal person? There isn’t even anything wrong with you”.

She’s always been like this, so cold and uncaring, why? AIBU to be upset by her reaction?

I imagined an adult DD who stole your house and business out from under you and threw you out onto the streets.
Not an 11 year old rolling her eyes. It sounds like the normal adult child roles have been reversed in your house.

You sound rather over-dramatic OP.

OP won’t be back. Don’t blame her. No empathy or advice, just nasty judgment.

Not all behaviour of children of school age is the parents fault.She may well have learnt it from her peers at school or from social media or her father,who has not been mentioned.

I was raised in a home with a mother that would cry over anything.
She would make a fall over sound like she needed ICU and complain for days.
By the age of 10 i was fed up with it.
She once took the rubbish out and tripped on the path didnt fall over but the bin man had to help her back to the door with her limp and croc tears, she was walking fine as soon as the closed.
And had to ring everyone in the phone book to let them know what happened how sore she was and how uncaring her daughters are.
I moved out at 16 i was the last to go the rest had gone.
Dad left 17 months after me he said he had, had enough of the over sensitive always blubbering and making little things in to dramas.
Her second husband divorced her after 2 year same reasons.
We was not uncaring or cold hearted we just got fed up with it.

I think you sound over-dramatic and she is responding in turn by not engaging with it.

The men helped you home as a nice thing on their behalf, not because it was a medical emergency. If it was a medical emergency, it would have be handled differently - you wouldn’t have been moved and an ambulance would collect you instead. In the situation you were in, you probably could have made it home unaided so she was right in that respect. I mean the average adult, can survive a fall without major injuries? Logically you can see that your fall was likely minor in grand scheme.

What were you expecting her to do? Fawn over you? It’s not natural for an 11 year old to turn into a caregiver for her parent. It’s unfair to put caring responsibilities on children. If you needed certain things, you should have just asked the men ie other adults to help. At the very most, I might expect an 11 year old to get you a glass of water or a blanket or something- but otherwise you would be expected to resume adult life.

I’m so sorry you fell - really horrid to fall over. But she is only 11 and was probably embarrassed. My Nan (she was a young Nan) was very much a drama queen and attention seeker and I definitely would have been mortified if it was her who had fallen and been brought home supported by two men (i realise this isn't the right way to react, it’s just how I would have reacted as a pre-teen). And I’m not saying you are an attention seeker.

I remember being 15 and very cold/indifferent about things. My mum was worried that I was some sort of psychopath with zero empathy. I’m 31 now and cry at everything! I’m an over-empath, but it took until I was about 22/23 years old. Our brains are still developing in this area until we’re about 25.

When I read your first post I imagined one of those dramatic people who is clumsy and falls over all the time and embarrasses people! Does this happen often?! I don’t think my son has ever seen me cry, so the fact she says constantly cry makes me think you do it a lot and she’s bored of it!!

Hmm. This reminds me of me as a child.

My mum was a very emotional, very openly tearful person when I was a child. I’ve gone into this at counselling. She always was for as long as I remember, and continues to be. We don’t have a great relationship.

My counsellor feels that I never got to be “the child” as my mum was so emotional, and it made me feel unsafe. A child doesn’t want to be “the comforter” etc.

Is there a pattern of her witnessing you in distress or needing support and comfort from her? Do you cry a lot that she sees?

I honestly feel like I live on a different planet to MN sometimes

DD1 is a pretty normal girl who'll be 11 in a few weeks.

I can tell you right now, if I walked through the front door with an injury, she'd say "Mummy! What happened? Are you okay?"

Like a normal human.

That isn't role reversal, or making herself my carer, or a weird expectation. It's common decency.

Of course, OP may be an insane monster who expects all kinds from her daughter yadda yadda, who knows.

But the idea that in general it is normal and expected for an 11yo to roll her eyes when she sees her mum tearful and injured....bugger me. I just can't really express how dysfunctional that is.

It’s a bit ott to require 2 men to assist you home after a fall , I have an autistic 12 year old and I am 53 and 4 stone over weight and I can’t imagine needing two men to carry me home after a trip , nor would I allow them to inconvenience themselves in such a manner .
also I’d not be looking to my daughter to tend to my emotional needs either

having said all that I’d expect my tween who is entirely wrapped up in herself to show some concern …but nothing beyond “ you alright ? What’s for dinner? “

This sounds like me as a kid and it’s only as an adult I have realised it’s because my parents were incredibly unempathic and would shame me when I displayed emotion so I was just modelling their behaviour. Ironically they then shamed me for being cold.

Something could have happened to her when she was younger (that you may not be aware of) that in her mind now showing emotion = something unpleasant which was scary. Anger/irritability is the cover emotion for fear. So now she reacts like this because it helps protect her from feeling scared. She'll do it subconsciously. This could be another angle you might want to look at it from.

What happens if she falls over or something bad happens to her? If she is very stiff upper lip / doesn't get emotional easily, I can see that she might genuinely struggle to see why other people might see things differently. However her reaction is still rude, and in the category of 'if you can't say something nice then say nothing'

Wow she sounds a peach. 😲

I would at that age have been very concerned for my mother.

I think for that attitude she needs pulling up short. How very unkind.

You shouldn't be constantly crying in front of her. She shouldn't have to emotionally support you. It's for us to teach our kids how to get things in perspective and it sounds like that might be an issue in your house.

If I had fallen badly and been helped home to my children, I would have said something along the lines of "Silly Mum's had a bit of an accident and needs to sit down because it hurts, but let's hope it's not too bad". I would expect my kids to be kind about it but ultimately they're not there to support me.

Sounds like a very unkind response from the daughter. Not normal IME.

Not sure what evidence the comments blaming the mum are based on.

OP, I think you need to talk to your daughter about her response being unkind (if you haven’t done so already).

I expect the poor woman is possibly crying now with such character assassinations.She is obviously just concerned that her daughter is going to turn in to a bully or worse and she's asked the opinions of mumsnetters...It's extremely rude of a tween to act like that in front of strangers, don't you think?.Or is it the norm in today's society..I'm 60 ,so maybe old fashioned in my views but I take mother's side on this.

Reminds me of me as a child too. My mum would get drunk and be extremely over emotional and lean on me for support and then also scold me for crying at any point, so I learnt that being angry or irritable was "safer" than expressing my distress. I desperately need therpay for it now.

This response is spot on!

I read a very similar post last year - are there Midwich Cuckoo daughters behaving strangely all over the UK or is the same story again ?

I don't think it's cold. I think it is a pretty normal reaction for an 11 year old. Children fall a lot with no issue so they're not going to see it as a big deal.
I do wonder if you do dramatise things with the comment she made and the way you have described your DD.

I was embarrassed to even see my parents in public at that age let alone one falling over and having to be picked up by work men 🤣🤣 your emotions are not your daughters responsibility, at that age they only care about themselves, empathy comes with age

More that some of us have experience of family members expecting us to be the carer and adult from a young age. Overly emotional dramatics from a mother are draining and make a child grow up far too fast.

The posters saying their daughter would be concerned, perhaps they wouldn't be if you were crying and expecting sympathy every bloody day. For years.

I guarantee there would be a point they rolled their eyes.

What mother calls her 11 year old child cold and heartless. If anything is wrong with a young child's character, guess whose fault it really is?

Sounds like your scapegoat child is already seeing the real you. You could be my mother when I was that age. I wish I had eye rolled too instead of always taking on her dramas and becoming a people pleaser.