AIBU to think our baby timeline isn’t that rushed?!

[elsamayy]

I’m 37 and my partner is 38. We’re both financially solid and in good jobs. We’ve been together for 6 months, but have known each other for 4 years as friends before getting together. Things are going really well, and we both want to build a future together.

Our rough plan is to move in together next spring (so around the one-year mark in the relationship) and start trying for a baby at the end of next year (18 months in). I'd rather not get married, although my partner is keen, so that might also happen at some point.

I was chatting with some girlfriends over the weekend about these plans, and they essentially told me that I’ve lost the plot and that 18 months in is far too soon to try for a baby. For context, my mum and sister both had healthy babies at 40 on their first attempt, but of course, I know fertility is unpredictable and there are no guarantees for me. I feel our age compresses the timeline, especially if we end up wanting a second down the line.

I’m trying to figure out if our timeline is actually rushed, or if my friends are just projecting their own pace. They are both going through some issues in their personal life, and I wonder if their personal circumstances are clouding their views on this topic.

What do Mumsnetters think? Is this timeline mental? Feel free to be honest!

We don't know you or your partner. If it feels right to you then go for it.

If you were 30 it would be too rushed. As things are, not at all. In fact I might consider shortening it a bit! It's also very significant that you have known each for 4 years, not just the 6 months you've been together.

I don’t think it’s rushed. You’re being realistic about your age. There are no guarantees: we started trying a year ago after being together two years, just after we bought our house. We’re still trying. It can take a long time.

I think time is not on your side if your want a family. At your age you need to get on with it.
i think the fact that you’ve known him for 5 years does change things. In other circumstances I’d maybe agree with your friends but I think what you’re planning seems fair enough. I would advise you get married though as it carries certain protections for you if you end up holding the baby.

I wouldn’t have wanted to do it having been with my husband for only 18 months, if I’m honest, but I didn’t have the age pressures.

You have to make the call that’s right for you. If you do want two, presumably you’ll have to turn that around quickly too, and that’ll generate comments too - pretty much every aspect of parenting does - so make a decision you’re comfortable with and don’t invite comment on it.

The only thing worth contemplating is whether your friends are saying this because they see something about your relationship that you don’t, or aren’t acknowledging, and if there’s any validity in them feeling it’s too soon, or if it’s just a general principle.

If you’re both happy it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks, go for it. At your age you do need to prioritise kids if that’s what you want.

I’d wonder if their comments about it being rushed are an indication they see issues in your relationship…

Are they coming from a place of...
18 months in a relationship regardless of if you knew each other before, might not be enough time to really know if your partner will be a good parent and equal partner, have you been able to resolve disagreements calmly, have you talked about parenting in depth, like making sure you dont end up default parent, sharing money, same parenting values, has he proven himself to be someone quick to apologise, have you proven you work as a team even when you've annoyed/upset each other, or one of you is stressed, have you proven you look out for each other when ill, has he proven to be someone open to researching/consulting experts/trying new things (crucial with parenting) not 'my way or the highway'. So many things to think about.
If you are certain of all these things because you have discussed/experienced them (and not just making assumptions) then best of luck to you.

I don’t think it’s too rushed given your ages. I think you just need to talk and discuss everything and make plans for how things are going to be, how you’re each going to pull your weight, divide chores and childcare etc. Let’s face it there are people who have waited 10 years and he has still changed after having a baby! I’d also watch like a hawk for any issues while living together.

Not rushed at all. In fact if you are both very serious about having kids I’d be tempted to accelerate things and move in sooner.

I would shorten the timeline honestly

Not rushed. You’re no spring chicken so you can’t afford to wait.

I disagree with a lot of PPs because even though time isn’t on your side, it’s still better to be cautious.

By all means keep to your timeline, but remain flexible. Relationships can change once you start living together and it can bring up new issues to work through.

I would also definitely advise to get married for your own protections, as it’s more common that you as the mother will be financially worse off after maternity leave and potentially wanting to go part time etc.

Why wait until the spring to move in together? Get on with it now. And seriously consider getting married before having children. I’d suggest a timeline of moving in together asap, spring wedding, then try for a baby after that.

You’re too old to wait too long. You’re also old enough to hopefully know your own mind and needs. You’ve been friends for a while. Relationships can go wrong after kids even when people have been together years before, other relationships are clearly solid from the get go.

My advice really is to have really serious conversations about the finances. Don't end up disadvantaged. This is the biggest source of discontent in my experience.

I agree with pp, it doesn't sound rushed to me, bearing in mind your ages.
However - what about the difference in your attitude to marriage? That may not be a problem at all, but perhaps delve into that before going much further. It may not be an issue, but then again, it could be.

This is what I wondered

We have been talking at length about finances, since we are both very financially careful. I am the higher earner, but we both earn well. The plan is for him to go part-time 4 days a week for a couple of years if and when a baby arrives.

I'm 36 with a newborn and I've been with my boyfriend 2 years next march. I'd hurry up the TTC at your age honestly.

Do consider it may be longer than a couple of years. It can be harder to sort childcare when school hours are shorter than nursery.

If you had the luxury of time and youth, I'd say what's the hurry.
I would suggest you even move in sooner as that's when you get deeper insight into your relationship. Not just him, but how you work as a team, negotiate, share etc.

I think they are suspicious of him because they know he had a depressive episode a few years ago. He has since been diagnosed with ADHD (successfully managed now), and it appears that his depressive episode was the result of many years of undiagnosed ADHD.

He has been doing really well for 2 years now, sees a therapist and a doctor regularly, and takes good care of his mental and physical health.

Not rushed if you have history. I would absolutely get married though, if you are able to have children. It doesn’t have to be fancy but protect yourself.

Sounds fine to me and is pretty much what I did! As long as you’re both on the same page about the baby I would crack on.

Have you discussed how you/he will manage when a baby comes along and he won’t have as much time for taking care of his health?