AIBU to think our baby timeline isn’t that rushed?!

[elsamayy]

I’m 37 and my partner is 38. We’re both financially solid and in good jobs. We’ve been together for 6 months, but have known each other for 4 years as friends before getting together. Things are going really well, and we both want to build a future together.

Our rough plan is to move in together next spring (so around the one-year mark in the relationship) and start trying for a baby at the end of next year (18 months in). I'd rather not get married, although my partner is keen, so that might also happen at some point.

I was chatting with some girlfriends over the weekend about these plans, and they essentially told me that I’ve lost the plot and that 18 months in is far too soon to try for a baby. For context, my mum and sister both had healthy babies at 40 on their first attempt, but of course, I know fertility is unpredictable and there are no guarantees for me. I feel our age compresses the timeline, especially if we end up wanting a second down the line.

I’m trying to figure out if our timeline is actually rushed, or if my friends are just projecting their own pace. They are both going through some issues in their personal life, and I wonder if their personal circumstances are clouding their views on this topic.

What do Mumsnetters think? Is this timeline mental? Feel free to be honest!

Sending you a hug @Crushed23! It is a tough spot to be in, and we often find ourselves in this situation not entirely out of choice.

Well we disagree. You can be happy to co-parent with someone and not find it necessary to get married to them

I'd be moving quicker at your age!

however that is not a judgement of your timeline - which essentially is nobody elses busines..

Oh it’s fine, I don’t feel hard done by at all! I’ve had a great life so far with some fab years single / playing the field. Also I was incredibly immature until my 30s really, so if I had settled down with any of my ex-boyfriends, it would have been a disaster.

I’d say I’m actually on the fence about having a baby (70-30 for-against, but it changes weekly lol) and can totally imagine a wonderful future without children just as I can imagine a nice future for DP and I as parents.

Best of luck with moving in together.

I actually think it might be that people who openly do this level of planning (rather than say, keeping it to themselves) present as quite anxious and controlling and that could well be what your friends are picking up on and reacting to.

Being honest I would probably start trying even earlier if possible. 37/38 might mean it takes longer. Obviously it might not mean that but having had experience of infertility I would caution getting a move on.

Marriage does not equal legal and financial protection if you are the wealthier partner. When my relative's husband became abusive it took her many many years to get a divorce as he used every trick in the book to stall the process - controlling her long after the relationship had ended. She was then ordered to pay him, the man who had abused her and their children, tens of thousands of pounds in the divorce settlement. He now pays the absolute minimum towards their children (hides income). If they hadn't been married she would have been legally free of him the day they separated and financially much better off. Marriage is definitely not just a piece of paper - it's a legal contract that too many people sign without realising what it entails. It is certainly not all about love and protection that's for sure.

If it helps, this wouldn’t happen now as you one party is simply informed the other is divorcing them. They can’t stop it happening (they can of course stall a financial agreement)