AIBU to think our baby timeline isn’t that rushed?!

[elsamayy]

I’m 37 and my partner is 38. We’re both financially solid and in good jobs. We’ve been together for 6 months, but have known each other for 4 years as friends before getting together. Things are going really well, and we both want to build a future together.

Our rough plan is to move in together next spring (so around the one-year mark in the relationship) and start trying for a baby at the end of next year (18 months in). I'd rather not get married, although my partner is keen, so that might also happen at some point.

I was chatting with some girlfriends over the weekend about these plans, and they essentially told me that I’ve lost the plot and that 18 months in is far too soon to try for a baby. For context, my mum and sister both had healthy babies at 40 on their first attempt, but of course, I know fertility is unpredictable and there are no guarantees for me. I feel our age compresses the timeline, especially if we end up wanting a second down the line.

I’m trying to figure out if our timeline is actually rushed, or if my friends are just projecting their own pace. They are both going through some issues in their personal life, and I wonder if their personal circumstances are clouding their views on this topic.

What do Mumsnetters think? Is this timeline mental? Feel free to be honest!

At your age, I don’t think it’s rushed. Realistically, you aren’t going to get back out there at 41 if the relationship fails and find a partner to have children with. If you want a child, have one and accept the risk that it’s a new relationship and may not work out, but hopefully you’ll be mature enough to co-parent together.

I would get married though. Even if it’s just on paper.

Honestly I would start trying asap. 37 is already quite late to start trying. Do you want more than one as well?

Maybe, but I think I would be happy with just one as well. My partner is keen on two, but again it depends on how life pans out.

I would get married though. Even if it’s just on paper.

Apologies if I'm being dim, but what does this mean?

It would be more rushed had you not known one another for four years, that makes it better. Plus you don’t really have time to mess around.

I think this is a big positive, much more so than if you were pinning everything on having a baby. I hope everything works out for you beautifully, whatever the future holds.

I think your friends' misgivings are understandable from the perspective of an outsider, but that obviously doesn't mean they're necessarily correct!

If you have a baby right now you will be in your fifties when it is at university.
Consider that in your calculations.

That's pretty normal, I think? My mum would have been 55 when I left uni, and she had me at 33.

Glad to read you are not getting married.
The reality of a baby is so different from planning.
Many men find the reality very different and with mental health struggles the challenges of a full day of care can be very difficult.

Juggling a house and baby is seemingly beyond many men.

Be wary OP. Being the main breadwinner AND carrying the mental load gets old very quick.

Many many women regret their choices down the road.
Much easier to separate if you are not married.
Don't rush into it.

And then consider whether you will be in good heath, whether you'll want to carry on working to pay for university and how old you will be when and if you have grandchildren.
Women need to realise that they really are leaving it too late when they have babies in their forties.

It depends on your priorities.
I’d be picturing the worst case scenarios and seeing which I found preferable.

1. you get pregnant now, the relationship doesn’t last, but you have a child.
2. you postpone trying to conceive and find you can’t have kids, but you still have your relationship
3. the worst one - you postpone kids, find you can’t conceive, and split up.

When I was your age I knew I wanted kids more than anything else, so I left my partner (who said he wanted kids then changed his mind - long story) and did it on my own, because that was my priority. But everyone is different. If you’re happy to risk being child-free, then let the relationship evolve and see what happens. If you really want kids, then I wouldn’t wait around too long.

I mean... so what? That's completely normal. Anyone who has a baby at 32 onwards, which is far from late, will be in their 50s if/when the child goes to university.

Oh, come on! You're being absurd. People in their 50s are rarely doddering elderly retirees, and nobody has any bloody control over when - or if - they have grandchildren.

The whole thing of urging women to pop out all their babies early like brood mares is fucking weird.

I’m 53 with a 13 year old, and am far from the oldest mother in his form. It’s pretty normal.

I married my husband 13 months after we met and then fell pregnant first cycle after we tied the knot. It’s our second wedding anniversary today and our daughter has just gone 15 months old. I have never been more certain about anything quite as much as I am about my family/ marriage. When you know you know. That said, up until this exact point in my life I would be telling my friends to slow down. For reference I’m 31.

See, I think women need to think about all kinds of things when they’re choosing when to have a child, and how old you’ll be if you become a grandparent really wouldn’t be top ten.

Exactly. I was born in the 1970s and my own parents were in their 50s when I started university.

I don't have any friends who had children in their 20s except one, who had her eldest at 28... which was a complete accident.

Ditto. One friend who had a child at 26, recently married and unplanned. She now says she doesn’t know what she was thinking.

You have left it a bit late in all honesty if you are 37 now and waiting another year to try you will only be starting to try at 38, you have no idea if you can get pregnant and even if you did the chances of miscarriage increase with age. I probably wouldn't wait at your age, however I'd be concerned about having a baby with someone with known mental health problems, it's hard having a baby and puts a strain on you and your relationship, I wouldn't want to do this with someone mentally unstable. A friend of mine did and it didn't end well. Both working and caring for a baby is really tough, my husband and I have no known mental health issues and we really struggled at times, being totally exhausted and trying to juggle a baby, work, life it's the hardest thing I've ever done.

I realise it is probably your last chance for a baby so you maybe don't mind if you end up having to go it alone if it gets too much for him?

It's not weird, it's basic biology.

I met my husband at 24 we were engaged and moved in together 6 months later. We married when we had known each other 20 months - we have now been married 24 years and had 3 children. If one of my children now told me they were getting engaged after 6 months i would be worried no one said anything at the time- he was 30. I guess if you know you know.

Same! One friend had a baby at 27, happy accident in a stable relationship which she decided to keep but I don't know anyone who intentionally had a child in their 20s.

I'm not the person you quoted, but I'd imagine they mean get married legally even if you don't bother with any of the social accoutrements like name changing, rings, a wedding, referring to one another as spouses.

My eldest has just finished uni and my youngest is still studying, I’m 57, I don’t see the issue?

I see no reason why I wouldn't be in good health in my 50s (but ill health/death can happen at any age and we have insurance for that), and I'll have to keep working until I'm 65 anyway because that's how long our mortgage is 😂It's very unlikely anyone of my generation will be taking early retirement like boomers did - no-one has any money, we're all paying off massive mortgages.

Grandchildren are entirely up to my son and his future partner, nothing to do with me. I wouldn't consider that for a second. If they come along while I'm still around then that's great, but there are no guarantees and basing your own child-bearing on having grandchildren is very odd.

'Too late' for what?