AIBU to think our baby timeline isn’t that rushed?!

[elsamayy]

I’m 37 and my partner is 38. We’re both financially solid and in good jobs. We’ve been together for 6 months, but have known each other for 4 years as friends before getting together. Things are going really well, and we both want to build a future together.

Our rough plan is to move in together next spring (so around the one-year mark in the relationship) and start trying for a baby at the end of next year (18 months in). I'd rather not get married, although my partner is keen, so that might also happen at some point.

I was chatting with some girlfriends over the weekend about these plans, and they essentially told me that I’ve lost the plot and that 18 months in is far too soon to try for a baby. For context, my mum and sister both had healthy babies at 40 on their first attempt, but of course, I know fertility is unpredictable and there are no guarantees for me. I feel our age compresses the timeline, especially if we end up wanting a second down the line.

I’m trying to figure out if our timeline is actually rushed, or if my friends are just projecting their own pace. They are both going through some issues in their personal life, and I wonder if their personal circumstances are clouding their views on this topic.

What do Mumsnetters think? Is this timeline mental? Feel free to be honest!

But we’re not just ‘basic biology’. There’s a strong correlation between maternal age at first child and educational level and income. It might be biologically brilliant for women to have babies in their teens, but it’s going to mean that those babies are disadvantaged both economically, by being born into poorer and less stable households, and emotionally, by being born to parents who are barely adults themselves, and who are likely to be heavily dependent on family help.

Your friends can only advise, the decision is between you and your partner, and it sounds like you've both had many discussions around it and have good plans in place. I echo what other posters have suggested, to move the timeline up if you you can.

I also think not getting married for the moment is a sound idea. I'd be open to it down the line though

Completely agree, in my wide social circle (we're all in our mid 40s now) only two had a baby in their 20s (aged 27/28) and one of those was unplanned. A few had a child aged 32-35 but the vast majority had first child aged 37-42.

I had my first at 40 - most women in my antenatal group were aged 35+. All were over 30. Now my child is in Yr1. There are several other Yr1 parents older than me - some in their 50s. But age at birth is hugely socially patterned. My area is full of educated professionals. Loads of dads at school drop off and pick up as the women are just as likely to have career.

I had my dc on similar timeline but got married. I wouldn't advise getting married, I was the higher earner, very short marriage and left with the baby, I kept most of my assets but the divorce was costly and stressful with a young baby. If you would be happy to have a baby either by yourself or together, go for it but I wouldn't be rushing into marriage.

This was pretty much our timeline though we moved in slightly sooner and we didn't have the additional having known each other as friends before. Worked for us

You need to start trying now tbh

It seems a sensible timeline to me. If you were desperate for a baby or definitely wanted more than 2 kids then I'd say go a bit quicker as 37 and 39 can be very different fertility wise. But most women will get pregnant in their late 30s within a year and it's not your main priority.

Not rtft but from the op, that's almost exactly what we did. Met DP August 2020, bought a flat together in December 2021, fell pregnant June 2022, DD arrived February 2023. It felt right so we did it, regardless of what everyone else thought. You do the same!

You know what, you could have met yesterday and be pregnant today and it would all work out wonderfully, or you could have known each other 20 years and he leaves the day after you find out you are pregnant.
My point is, do life on your own timeline. If it feels right, then go for it.

DH and I have been together five years. We started dating October 2020. I was pregnant by September 2021. We started trying to conceive in July 2022. At which time I was 36 and he was 35. We started living together a week before we found out I was pregnant. We had known each other at school from age 11-16 but very little contact since then. He added me on Facebook a few years prior but zero interaction there. So by the time we had been together a year I was 6 ish weeks pregnant.

it’s your timeline. It’s your life. When you are sure of someone you are sure. We were sure and knew the practicalities would fall in place, we weren’t getting any younger (fertility etc) so just tired.

people will judge. Let them.

As long as you have agreed how the future looks and are happy it's not rushing. I was engayafter 1 Yr married after 2 and trying took a several months to conceive. Kniw couples who where together for years before having kids and split up before kid was 3 and 5.

Tried to conceive from 9 months in due to my age. No regrets. No one can be 100 percent sure it will last but I felt like there was a strong chance we would. Know plenty of people together for years, had children and then split so no guarantees either way.

Hi op it is a fast paced relationship but if it’s what you both want go for it. Also would definitely leave the marriage for a long time especially with your finances being higher. Let’s face it no one knows what life is going to throw at them. you could have been together 20+ years and it fail. No one has a guaranteed relationship & life style that’s perfect but people try and succeed and some fail. That’s life!

It's not like you're 18 anymore and need to be together 6-8 years first. Had this discussion recently with my friend as she's currently expecting, she'll be with her partner about 18 months once baby is here. When your older things feel different, your not really figuring out yourselves whilst muddling a relationship, you both know what you want, love each other most likely live together so why not!
I was pregnant within a year of knowing my now husband, we now have a 7 month old too!

I think we are so well educated on avoiding pregnancy that the facts about odds and risks of conceiving ‘later’ are not appreciated. The fact is that at a population level it is harder to conceive and more associated with risk to the child and mother.

if there are fertility issues, it can take a year to find out, a year to investigate,several years to ‘treat’. You may feel ok one way or the other at the moment but the more mental time and energy you invest to conception, the harder it can be to let go of the idea.

I had my only child at 41. Best thing ever however a very long and painful route to get there. I wouldn’t want anyone to look at me as an example of it being ok to leave it late. It would have been so much easier for me to have known and tried earlier. In terms of providing for my child, I’d say it is better later - no mortgage, menopause out the way, looking to retire and on track for that, grandchildren (?!) - always bemused by that one; I don’t control my child’s relationships and future fertility choices anyway so I am not making my life choices based on that!

I would say that's fine, given your ages. I am also really fertile (have fallen pregnant straight away 4 times) but I only have one child. Losses are more of a risk as we get older. I had no losses before my child (who i had at 31), i'm 35 now and desperate for another. I think (in)fertility is mentioned a lot, but not the increased risk of losses as we age.

Truthfully @Moel , until this relationship, I assumed that children would not be on the cards for me, since I had such a hard time finding a man I connected with, and I knew that solo motherhood was not for me.

I spent the last few years making peace with not having children, which is also why it is so exciting to finally have that option in life.

That is just to say that I didn't delay motherhood out of choice; I delayed it out of circumstances. If I had met my partner in my early 30s, I think I would have tried for DC then.

I am lucky that both my DP and I are high earners, so I think in the event of a split, we would both be financially okay. I see marriage as an option down the line, but unlike having a child, it is not time-sensitive; therefore, we can take our time.

It’s not just assets though. You need to make sure you have something in place to account for medical emergencies, death etc. If you don’t have a civil partnership/marriage then your partner has no say in what happens (or vice versa). As a horrible example, if life support needs to be kept on or turned off (depending on the known wishes of the patient) who gets to decide that? If you are not a legal partner? An elderly parent? A random uncle if parents are dead? Any partnership that leads to children should have these legal areas covered.

You have no problems having a baby with someone, but don't want to marry them?

🙄

Marriage is not for everybody, there is plenty of people nowadays who choose to stay in secure, long-term relationships without getting married. I don't see that as so odd, to be honest. Most of my friends who have children are not married to their long-term partners.

I dont think that is unreasonable tbh

Of course it is. And completely illogical.

Having a child means you are tied to another person for 18 years, like it or not. And marriage gives you legal protection and significant financial protection.

If you're too scared to sign the contract, you shouldn't be doing the job.

Haven’t RTFT, but I’m in a very similar situation.

I’m 36 and have been with DP for 9 months. Unfortunately we didn’t know each other beforehand. We can’t move in together until summer 2027 due to DP doing a part-time Masters and needing to live in the university town for this. If that goes well, we’ll get married soon after that and start TTC. I’ll be 38.

It’s easy for people to judge and say “you’ve left it too late”, but not everyone meets a suitable partner at 27. And honestly, even if I had, I’m not sure I would have had a baby before 35.

Oh, and DM had a baby at 41, so I can also relate to thinking (wishing!) I have okay fertility too.